Yet it feels like an old version of a cable channel.
Where we are told what to be enraged about today.
What to fight about.
Who to blame.
Until a tragedy happens. Then it’s all kumbaya. Until we are told again who to be mad at.
Passion rules the human experience. After all:
If we don't stand for something we'll fall for anything.
My heart hurts. Because the thing I want more than anything remains just beyond my reach.
I’ve grasped and dug into the sand with every tentacle possible like an octopus looking for food.
I want my son back.
I want my family.
I never thought life would become so painful.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly blessed. I have people who love me. I have a husband who takes care of me. I have daughters who keep me afloat. But no one understands the pain.
Rainy days like today pull at my insides. I love the beauty. The freshness, the hope. Then my aching heart pulls me inside its grip. Like a mother duck leading her babies across the rainy road and one gets swept away.
Never question what good you’ve done in the world just because you didn’t become a power speaker or get a law changed or build an orphanage. Your power to the world might be that one thing you said to someone at one time (good or bad) that helped them think in a different direction.
Or the time you cared when someone else was suffering silently, and no one else seemed to notice.
Your power might be the silent prayers you send to those suffering needlessly. Even those you haven’t met. God knows your heart, it doesn’t have to be recorded or logged in.
We interact with 1000’s of people in our lives & every interaction is needed for the situation at the time. It’s done exactly for our or for their best interest and growth.
Someone said to me recently,
"I always seem to say the wrong thing & screw everything up".
“Oh my heck! That sounds like my life”.
Then I started thinking.:
No, If it was said, then it was meant to be said. Maybe to crack open an understanding that would otherwise not be cracked open. If all we see mirrored back to us- is green Teletubby fields & happy music playing in the background we are in denial (& unprepared) for the weeds & black smoke that will surely come. That’s not being pessimistic, It’s reality.
This isn’t about everything happening for a reason. People don’t NEED to suffer. Sometimes they suffer because of another’s free will and choice. This is about being true to your heart and loving it with honor. Giving yourself everything you’ve ever wanted from someone else, then passing that love onto those who need it.
This is true – even if we are talking to ourselves.
Meeting ourselves where we are.
Two years ago I wrote in my journal:
I wish I was more grateful I wish I felt more secure I wish I was more loving I wish I was less worried
I still wish for most of those things. Truth be told, the last few years have kicked my trash. I am extremely grateful for many things, on the daily…….My God KNOWS.
But it seems to never even out. If it’s not one thing it’s another. I find myself telling my same old story. It’s like groundhog day. If it’s not one child, it’s another. The places and spaces that appear as challenges in my life, seem too unsolvable, especially in the beginning. They stare at me in the face, like a bully on the playground. I seem incapable of what that GUY in the sky thought I could do.
My purpose? Do we ever find it? If it’s to enjoy each day for what it brings, as a wise elderly housekeeper told me years ago; then I’m gonna have to change my story real fast. I’m 54. I find joy in many places but I am not still not sure of my value. Joy seems selfish.
I know life is short. Problems are temporary. They change like a silent old black and white movie. Sometimes I feel like that is my life. It flashes before me without much (valued) effort from me. What effect do I really have on scenes that will play out anyway? Is everyone prone to these lonely thoughts? If you look at their problems, it would seem that way. Everyone just wants to feel relevant. Is relevance real? Is it genuine? Do I need recognition to feel real?
Yes, I know I shouldn’t.
I’m actually the Queen of NOT wanting attention. Don’t give me an award and ask me to speak. God No. I can think of no worse torture.
But, at times, I want to know I made a difference I guess. Don’t we all. Those who are in front of me want that to.
The never ending circle of life- of LOVE.
Anger says: “I’m so mad that I can’t get my way and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Sadness says: “It’s so unfair that I can’t get my way.”
Fear says: “I can’t imagine not getting my way.”
Denial says: “My way would be so much better.”
Boredom says: “My way is anything but this.”
Emptiness says: “It seems as if my way is always opposite or different than how things are.”
Acceptance says: “The Universe is always orchestrating life in my highest favor, whether it seems to be going my way or not.”
Peace says: “When my way is put aside, the way is shown.”
Compassion says: “I understand how you feel. I didn’t get my way either.
Joy says: “Everything is always going my way, no matter the details, outcomes, or circumstances.”
Love says: “I embrace the one who needs life to be one way or another and I cherish the one who has no particular way to be as the eternal innocence of all.”
Oneness says: “Even the notions of getting my way or having no way to be are equally unique ways of the Universe playing in form.”
Transcendence says: “All paths lead to the same way.”
Truth says: “I AM the way, the way I AM.”
What would love do? Sit with it. Sit with you. Sit with me.
It’s been an interesting week for me. It has made me see how full circle our lives flow. What we think one day will never change suddenly changes the next day. I have 2 Mint plants. The one on the left was the healthy big one when I bought them. The next one over was a measly lifeless scraggly plant. I didn’t think it would make it & I had the thought to toss it. But surprisingly, after I trimmed the leaves off the healthy ones to put in my drinking water· It slowly died! Then the other one somehow came to life & is now reaching for new heights; Growing up toward the skylight in my kitchen.
There have been times in my life when I was the plant on the left. Other times the situation was exactly reversed. The point of this Mint story is: Don’t ever think you are destined for whatever troubles you at one point in your journey. If I’ve learned anything in my short (5`3″) life is that no matter how I feel or what just happened to me…I KNOW it will change….little by little I’ll feel better or something grand will happen.
So if you are feeling defeated or sad today, remember: You won’t always feel this way. Tomorrow, really IS a new day. Things have a way of working out. But what you must do meanwhile…is do what it takes to get your mind clear & feeling better. It’s taken me a lot of years to learn what I need to do to get to that place. It would’ve saved a lot of heartaches if I had learned it sooner.
Clip the dead leaves that are holding you back. Find your place & pull yourself up into that place. Go toward your skylight. Find your Sun. Some Days you’ll be on top of the world, but be humble when you are there. It can change in an instant.
And don’t ever look down at that scraggly plant & think that you’re better than it. Both of you have the same innards inside. The same potential to be your greatness! It just might be hidden to the onlooking world. You both will ebb & flow thru life· So just be kind ·To yourself & others & enjoy the flow.