Tag: life

The Beauty of the Cocoon

When I was in Sedona a few years ago I was sick for 8 hours straight. Couldn’t lift my head enough to walk or drive. I ended up watching the history channel all day.  I came across this fascinating documentary on Butterflies! It showed how the caterpillar attaches itself to the twig with all its legs and holds still and then drops to only the back 2 legs and hangs there while its protective coat is grown.
I thought. Wow! what discipline! The butterfly KNOWS it must do that–even though it may be perfectly happy being a caterpillar,  just inching along, finding treasures and doing life in a caterpillar world. But suddenly there just comes a time when it just KNOWS it must go find a twig!

I was so impressed with that beautiful creature emerging from the sheet that I took a picture of the TV.

I know we are not animals, but what if we were so in tune to ourselves and our destiny and what the universe is paving the way for us to have that we KNEW instinctively when to go find our twig. We just KNEW when to have the discipline and where-with-all to HOLD STILL & let something cover us up tightly– almost taking away all our freedom, knowing it was for our ultimate benefit!

To GROW into something fantastic and more beautiful than we could EVER imagine!!

What if that “something” that triggers our growth was buried in our trials? What if when we get knocked down–even daily, or yearly, or even that horrible once or twice-in-a-lifetime illness or death of a loved one that just shakes us–what if that’s our twig?

A sheath that seems to engulf us with pain and darkness, but really it’s protecting us for something bigger or making us stronger to honor that loved one.

No I’m not talking about “everything happens for a reason”. 

No one wants this shit.

Not even God himself wants this for his children. Some things happen due to free will which — some believe — was a gift given to us to come to earth. That free will is challenged constantly, by those we love and by those we barely know. First our parents try to mold and shape our strong will into doing good, for ourselves and others. Sometimes that will gets squished and splattered as we are taught to conform into staying between the lines of the educational system or the ecclesiastical system.

The battle is a constant tug of war, sometimes with barbed wire, as we figure out who we are and where we fit in.

For parents this is a challenge. We want our kids to be this and that and do all the things, but after a few years of push back, we realize they may not want to do this or that. So do we back down and say then go do what you want just don’t come crying to me after.

“You make your bed…you sleep in it…”

Or do we encourage free thinking and exploration while holding loving boundaries?

Even when this exploration causes great pain and turmoil?

The challenge of parenting has a lot to do with how we see ourselves. Are we capable of seeing ourselves as an emerging butterfly going through all the challenges to get through the cocoon? Or do we kick and scream the whole time?

This doesn’t mean we like it. Nor that we understand it. We just somehow know and realize that this is our lot in life and everyone’s lot is different.

So what will you do with your time of waiting? Will you be still? Waiting for the beauty, the snippets of joy? Will you hold on to your heart knowing the love for yourself and your struggling person is intact?

Can you stand in that gap of the time between light and dark–otherwise known as sunset and sunrise–knowing there will be a new day?

Can you offer hope and love to yourself for your transformation to learn as you go, to grow as you learn, and the love that comes out the other side?

Even if…..

Even if it’s not what you anticipated or remotely wanted?

What is the alternate?

The constant struggle for peace. Constant denying that there is a plan in place. Constantly thinking you know better than a God, or than your child’s innate sense of self. Constantly trying to change the course.

This isn’t about not helping, not trying to reduce harm. This isn’t about cutting off yourself from your own heart or your child’s heart. This is about what shows up. Seeing who you can help. Spreading kindness when possible. Expanding the life and love you have in your heart even if it’s hidden under years of pain and disappointment and loss.

I will try, along with you, to offer the best version of myself in this journey. 

I will still cry, pray, hope and learn all I can. I will take every opportunity that arises to find my higher self, and be my best self so that I'm not taken down to the depths of the tunnel of apathy and bitterness.

Because my life matters. My son’s life matters. Our own individual journeys matter. We are all playing out each other’s stories in the biggest Broadway play of life.

Sometimes there’s an audience, and sometimes we are desperately alone. Sometimes we roam free to discover more, sometimes we feel locked in our own prison. But wherever we are, we always have the ability to access our own strength and our own courage and our own volumes of love spilling out just waiting to be given freely.

365 Days

As I watched the black swirly water from my home box of hair coloring make its way down the slowly backing-up drain; I thought of how significant this is for the end of this year. All my disappointments, black clouds of despair, & misunderstandings going, going, gone down the black jole of nowhere. Disappearing– yet holding on just enough to let me wade in the remnants of their chaos.

Although I’ve had a lot of blessings this year its also been a year of frustration & roadbumps. What I HAVE learned is to never let yourself get too comfortable. We know change is a given & most of the time, its not our choice.

When we somehow assume that we have arrived or that now life can began to get better, the rug will be pulled out from under us again. I’m not saying to be a pessimist and I certainly don’t think living in a state of paranoia is healthy; but I do think if we live each day as if things could change tomorrow, it would be a little less disappointing.

The power dynamic in relationships contributes to the level of toxicity and can originate for many

reasons. Mental illness, addiction, or strong personality types.

People are very fragile inside. Just because you’ve nabbed that guy into marriage, or finally arrived at a place you have wanted, it’s not ever a given that it will stay that way. You HAVE to constantly feed that relationship, work on job skills, people skills. People are constantly evolving. Their emotions & feelings change & they are feverishly trying to keep up with their own thoughts and their own selves.

We can’t assume that we aren’t hurting them by saying something that we’ve always said before, or by taking them for granted, just because yesterday they may have responded a certain way– such as ambivalence. 

Their ambivalence might be a defense mechanism to not be hurt further.

Sometimes we don’t realize how cutting our words are until it’s too late. If someone is stonewalling us, we might be toxic or–at the very minimum- not helpful to an already challenging situation. Most people- people who have a heart-will eventually have regrets when the relationship ends due to death. If we can put aside our ego, and/or heal our benevolence and pain; while there is still time, then we can create stronger bonds that are helpful, not hurtful.

We can achieve this by practicing heart-centered communication that fosters family relationships instead of continually punishing ourselves and others with being right at all times and/or being the virtuous one.

Healed people don’t expect every interaction to fulfill their emotional needs. Healthy people don’t demand rigid rules of communicating.

Before my parents died I had one goal for many many years. It was to not have any regrets after they passed. I lived that every single day with them for 20+ years. And except for the very end of their lives, I have very few regrets.

I have now practiced this with my struggling son for the last few years.

On Christmas, my husband and I sat in a cozy Mexican restaurant in a rundown part of town with him. I looked into his eyes and saw a defeated man. I saw a glimpse of a loving dad as he looked at a picture of his daughter who was growing up without him. A daughter who he was very close to for the first 7 years of her life. Who he sent flowers to when he was working out of town. A daughter that addiction took him away from her and every time he gets close to being in her life, the prize is pulled further away, like a perpetually moving carrot. I saw his deep pain & almost disdain for what his life has become. He still thinks bigger than life, while having nothing to his name. He struggled to voice his feelings and explain how his behaviors seem to make sense to him, but to us they seem convoluted and chaotic.

My heart ached so deeply I thought I would crumble into tears. But I had to stay strong. I had to show my son hope. I had to let him believe that there was one more miracle n store for him. I had to somehow convince him that sobriety was better than this. That he would be a dad again despite tremendous obstacles and unhealed pain. I had to be the lighthouse that helps guide him out of darkness. And if I can’t guide him out, then I must be able to sit with him in pain. I will have no regrets with my son. That is my goal. He will know he’s loved and capable and strong. He will believe that many people love and care for him, even if they don’t or can’t say it.

I will remind him. I will be the voice of those still too unhealed and angry. I will be the link, the connection.

Because heart- centered Love is just that. It centers in the heart and stays there forever, despite circumstances beyond reasonable control.

As each new year starts it gives us an excuse to have no regrets- at least with how we treat people. One more day means we can try again. 365 days to get it right, do it better next year. We may not have the power to change the outcomes, but we have the power in ourselves to spread life and love over mangled and desperate souls.

So, just like my swirling black water tonight- I let go of everything I’ve perpetrated against unknowingly. People I’ve hurt and offended. You can’t move forward with the same problems if you are in the same mindset as when the problems were created, so I’m letting them go down the drain. Here’s a toast to 2023. May it be full of love- not regret. Full of appreciation-not bitterness. And full of heart-centered effort- not regret…💖🎆💖🎆💖🎆💖

Waking Up

In a world where every day is a new beginning….

Yet it feels like an old version of a cable channel.

Where we are told what to be enraged about today.

What to fight about.

Who to blame.

Until a tragedy happens. Then it’s all kumbaya. Until we are told again who to be mad at.

Passion rules the human experience. After all:

If we don't stand for something we'll fall for anything.

We’re told.

My heart hurts. Because the thing I want more than anything remains just beyond my reach.

I’ve grasped and dug into the sand with every tentacle possible like an octopus looking for food.

I want my son back.

I want my family.

I never thought life would become so painful.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m incredibly blessed. I have people who love me. I have a husband who takes care of me. I have daughters who keep me afloat. But no one understands the pain.

Rainy days like today pull at my insides. I love the beauty. The freshness, the hope. Then my aching heart pulls me inside its grip. Like a mother duck leading her babies across the rainy road and one gets swept away.

Oh my heart. What to do.

Enjoy the rain. I’m told. Just enjoy the rain.

What is my Purpose?

Never question what good you’ve done in the world just because you didn’t become a power speaker or get a law changed or build an orphanage.
Your power to the world might be that one thing you said to someone at one time (good or bad) that helped them think in a different direction.

Or the time you cared when someone else was suffering silently, and no one else seemed to notice.

Your power might be the silent prayers you send to those suffering needlessly. Even those you haven’t met. God knows your heart, it doesn’t have to be recorded or logged in.

We interact with 1000’s of people in our lives & every interaction is needed for the situation at the time. It’s done exactly for our or for their best interest and growth.

Someone said to me recently, 

"I always seem to say the wrong thing & screw everything up".

I thought;

“Oh my heck! That sounds like my life”.

Then I started thinking.:

No, If it was said, then it was meant to be said. Maybe to crack open an understanding that would otherwise not be cracked open. If all we see mirrored back to us- is green Teletubby fields & happy music playing in the background we are in denial (& unprepared) for the weeds & black smoke that will surely come. That’s not being pessimistic, It’s reality.

This isn’t about everything happening for a reason. People don’t NEED to suffer. Sometimes they suffer because of another’s free will and choice. This is about being true to your heart and loving it with honor. Giving yourself everything you’ve ever wanted from someone else, then passing that love onto those who need it.

Enjoy the journey and your part you play in it..🌼

What Does Love Say?

This is true – even if we are talking to ourselves.

Meeting ourselves where we are.

Two years ago I wrote in my journal: 

I wish I was more grateful
I wish I felt more secure
I wish I was more loving
I wish I was less worried

I still wish for most of those things. Truth be told, the last few years have kicked my trash. I am extremely grateful for many things, on the daily…….My God KNOWS.

But it seems to never even out. If it’s not one thing it’s another. I find myself telling my same old story. It’s like groundhog day. If it’s not one child, it’s another. The places and spaces that appear as challenges in my life, seem too unsolvable, especially in the beginning. They stare at me in the face, like a bully on the playground. I seem incapable of what that GUY in the sky thought I could do.

My purpose? Do we ever find it? If it’s to enjoy each day for what it brings, as a wise elderly housekeeper told me years ago; then I’m gonna have to change my story real fast. I’m 54. I find joy in many places but I am not still not sure of my value. Joy seems selfish.

I know life is short. Problems are temporary. They change like a silent old black and white movie. Sometimes I feel like that is my life. It flashes before me without much (valued) effort from me. What effect do I really have on scenes that will play out anyway? Is everyone prone to these lonely thoughts? If you look at their problems, it would seem that way. Everyone just wants to feel relevant. Is relevance real? Is it genuine? Do I need recognition to feel real?

Yes, I know I shouldn’t.

I’m actually the Queen of NOT wanting attention. Don’t give me an award and ask me to speak. God No. I can think of no worse torture.

But, at times, I want to know I made a difference I guess. Don’t we all. Those who are in front of me want that to.

The never ending circle of life- of LOVE.

Anger says: “I’m so mad that I can’t get my way and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Sadness says: “It’s so unfair that I can’t get my way.”

Fear says: “I can’t imagine not getting my way.”

Denial says: “My way would be so much better.”

Boredom says: “My way is anything but this.”

Emptiness says: “It seems as if my way is always opposite or different than how things are.”

Acceptance says: “The Universe is always orchestrating life in my highest favor, whether it seems to be going my way or not.”

Peace says: “When my way is put aside, the way is shown.”

Compassion says: “I understand how you feel. I didn’t get my way either.

Joy says: “Everything is always going my way, no matter the details, outcomes, or circumstances.”

Love says: “I embrace the one who needs life to be one way or another and I cherish the one who has no particular way to be as the eternal innocence of all.”

Oneness says: “Even the notions of getting my way or having no way to be are equally unique ways of the Universe playing in form.”

Transcendence says: “All paths lead to the same way.”

Truth says: “I AM the way, the way I AM.”

Matt Kahn
What would love do? 
Sit with it. 
Sit with you. 
Sit with me.

Plant Life

It’s been an interesting week for me. It has made me see how full circle our lives flow. What we think one day will never change suddenly changes the next day. I have 2 Mint plants. The one on the left was the healthy big one when I bought them. The next one over was a measly lifeless scraggly plant. I didn’t think it would make it & I had the thought to toss it. But surprisingly, after I trimmed the leaves off the healthy ones to put in my drinking water· It slowly died! Then the other one somehow came to life & is now reaching for new heights; Growing up toward the skylight in my kitchen.

There have been times in my life when I was the plant on the left. Other times the situation was exactly reversed. The point of this Mint story is: Don’t ever think you are destined for whatever troubles you at one point in your journey. If I’ve learned anything in my short (5`3″) life is that no matter how I feel or what just happened to me…I KNOW it will change….little by little I’ll feel better or something grand will happen.

So if you are feeling defeated or sad today, remember: You won’t always feel this way. Tomorrow, really IS a new day. Things have a way of working out. But what you must do meanwhile…is do what it takes to get your mind clear & feeling better. It’s taken me a lot of years to learn what I need to do to get to that place. It would’ve saved a lot of heartaches if I had learned it sooner.

Clip the dead leaves that are holding you back. Find your place & pull yourself up into that place. Go toward your skylight. Find your Sun. Some Days you’ll be on top of the world, but be humble when you are there. It can change in an instant.

And don’t ever look down at that scraggly plant & think that you’re better than it. Both of you have the same innards inside. The same potential to be your greatness! It just might be hidden to the onlooking world. You both will ebb & flow thru life· So just be kind ·To yourself & others & enjoy the flow.

Freeing

It’s kind of a relief, if you think about it.

This life

So much energy spent

On the fight, fighting for a reason
Different reasons

Then you find yourself in that moment….

Of trying to light a firework…….

Finding the fuse
Trying not to get burned
Running away

Hearing the hiss of the connection

And then nothing

Dead nothing

What? How can this be?

I saw the spark!

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

Nothing…..

You did nothing wrong….

It was never about you…