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What Does Love Say?

This is true – even if we are talking to ourselves.

Meeting ourselves where we are.

Two years ago I wrote in my journal:

I wish I was more grateful
I wish I felt more secure
I wish I was more loving
I wish I was less worried

I still wish for most of those things. Truth be told, the last few years have kicked my trash. I am extremely grateful for many things, on the daily…….My God KNOWS.

But it seems to never even out. If it’s not one thing it’s another. I find myself telling my same old story. It’s like groundhog day. If it’s not one child, it’s another. The places and spaces that appear as challenges in my life, seem too unsolvable, especially in the beginning. They stare at me in the face, like a bully on the playground. I seem incapable of what that GUY in the sky thought I could do.

My purpose? Do we ever find it? If it’s to enjoy each day for what it brings, as a wise elderly housekeeper told me years ago; then I’m gonna have to change my story real fast. I’m 54. I find joy in many places but I am not still not sure of my value. Joy seems selfish.

I know life is short. Problems are temporary. They change like a silent old black and white movie. Sometimes I feel like that is my life. It flashes before me without much (valued) effort from me. What effect do I really have on scenes that will play out anyway? Is everyone prone to these lonely thoughts? If you look at their problems, it would seem that way. Everyone just wants to feel relevant. Is relevance real? Is it genuine? Do I need recognition to feel real?

Yes, I know I shouldn’t.

I’m actually the Queen of NOT wanting attention. Don’t give me an award and ask me to speak. God No. I can think of no worse torture.

But, at times, I want to know I made a difference I guess. Don’t we all. Those who are in front of me want that to.

The never ending circle of life- of LOVE.

Anger says: “I’m so mad that I can’t get my way and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Sadness says: “It’s so unfair that I can’t get my way.”

Fear says: “I can’t imagine not getting my way.”

Denial says: “My way would be so much better.”

Boredom says: “My way is anything but this.”

Emptiness says: “It seems as if my way is always opposite or different than how things are.”

Acceptance says: “The Universe is always orchestrating life in my highest favor, whether it seems to be going my way or not.”

Peace says: “When my way is put aside, the way is shown.”

Compassion says: “I understand how you feel. I didn’t get my way either.

Joy says: “Everything is always going my way, no matter the details, outcomes, or circumstances.”

Love says: “I embrace the one who needs life to be one way or another and I cherish the one who has no particular way to be as the eternal innocence of all.”

Oneness says: “Even the notions of getting my way or having no way to be are equally unique ways of the Universe playing in form.”

Transcendence says: “All paths lead to the same way.”

Truth says: “I AM the way, the way I AM.”

Matt Kahn
What would love do? 
Sit with it.
Sit with you.
Sit with me.
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I Am My Mama

I don’t smoke.

I didn’t grow up with 14 siblings.

I didn’t work at a turkey plant cleaning up turkey guts.

I haven’t lost a child to suicide.

Even so, early this morning @ 6 am, I find myself leaning under my Elder bush transplanting a flower and the thought hit me:

I am my mother!

She had a beautiful yard. She would go out early in the coolness of the morning, sometimes before the sun was fully up, and weed. She despised weeds and my dad despised ants. Between the two, they kept their 1/13 of an acre virtually weed free and ant free!

Growing up and then starting my family, I had lots of thoughts of NOT raising my kids the way my parents did.

  • Poor communication
  • NO communication
  • Silent treatment
  • Poor
  • Old, old house
  • No vacation memories
  • Constant struggling with survival
  • No real goals except to get through the day
  • Family fell apart & she didn’t see most of her kids the last 10 years of her life
  • Always pushing up her glasses & trying to see
  • Always trying to cover her gray hair

I started out with great intentions. I made it my daily goal to master the secret of self-improvement. I was going to figure out all the answers then I could relax and enjoy a life of ease and have a happy family.

But here I am, three days away from turning 54. Fifty Four! My mama has been gone 13 years.

The similarities are easy to spot.

  • I’m weeding in the early morning
  • I struggle with relationships
  • Some silent treatment is definitely involved
  • I live paycheck to paycheck
  • My son has been swirled into the world of drugs to the point of me fearing his death daily
  • I still have zero clue of what life is and what I’ve mastered
  • My glasses- ugh the daily struggle
  • And my gray hair……always a task

You could say I’m my Mama.

At least I don’t have dentures at a young age like she had. She would take them out and scare the babies with. But I do push, adjust and take off my glasses 100 times a day. My hair seems to turn gray within days of coloring it.

My family is in shreds. After diligently putting effort into vacations, religion, nice housing, sports activities, my family has caved to the ravages of being addictions’ extended victims.

Those are the negative similarities. My mama lived a simple life. She wasn’t impressed by money or power. She didn’t really care for the luxuries of life or having material things, despite growing up poor.

Now, I want a simple life. After decades of always wanting more than my parents had, now I just want simple. Sure, I am impressed by a nice house with a pool and misting sprays coming off the porch. I also desire peace. My mom loved peace. She had an innocent way about her that screamed authenticity. She didn’t ever want to upset anyone, but her blunt manner and uncouthness did, at times.

I want my Mama’s innocence.

I want her ability to be forgiven because “she just didn’t know better”, instead of intentional. I want to be remembered like her, for the good things: her homemade chicken stew, her beautiful yard, her sense of humor.

I don’t want the usual idolizing after death but I want to be missed.

I want to be remembered when someone sees a yellow rose. Or smells Wrigley Spearmint gum. I want someone to hear John Denver’s “Take Me Home Country Roads” and feel a tear well up in their eye.

Mostly I just want to be loved.

Loved like my Mama and I want to Love like my Mama.

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Get What You Don’t Want

https://fb.watch/6gVjdFayK1/

Tony Robbins said this about his mother:

“IF SHE HAD BEEN the mother I WANTED her to be…I would NOT be the man I am….”

Although we all want a smooth life, drama-free relationships with family, partners & co-workers; none of us want painful toothaches or flat tires in the middle of nowhere.

It seems what we THINK we truly want – Isn’t what’s actually best for our growth…

Somehow those things are beneficial for our own “character building”. That’s an old-time cliche statement but what if it’s true?

What if it’s to help us be the best version of ourselves we can be? In order to help us see things we would NOT have seen if we were riding high on the hog the whole time.

My mama used to always say… “She must have had an easy life” when talking about someone who appeared problem free.

Key word APPEARED….

We just don’t know what battles someone has faced or is facing. And just because we happen to be the target of their anger at the moment, we can’t let it diminish our worth or stop our momentum.

We CAN’T kick ourselves over & over again for not living up to what everyone expects us to be TO THEM, just so they can feel better. Their perception of us is truly only reflective of the war inside them that they haven’t resolved.

This last few weeks the war inside me that I thought I had resolved, has exploded into a million pieces.
The struggle with wanting peace & acceptance & love from those who matter to me the most to me has been a bittersweet experience. It has forced me to find true unconditional love & acceptance within Myself.

All I feel is love toward them.
Because if I reject THEM because they are rejecting ME…then I am only rejecting ME ….. over & over…. & where does that get anyone?????
And if they don’t want to look at your face then oblige them and go away. Send them love from afar…….energetically.

Love really is the only answer……. Despite what you get back 🌼❤🌼

Home Base

My Son is Healed

He Just Doesn’t Know It Yet

Normally on days like this, I have many triggers regarding my son and the damage his addiction has caused, not only to himself but our entire family.

But today is different.

Today, I choose faith. Not HOPE, but pure faith. I’m not dissing hope. I’ve relied on it for months, year’s even. There’s nothing wrong with hope. Hope that things will get better, is what keeps people from sinking into an abyss of depression at times.

I’m going to get very vulnerable here. When or ‘because‘ hope hasn’t seemed to give me relief lately; I’ve been begging and bargaining with God to take my life in exchange for my son’s complete recovery AND my family to be healed especially for my son’s relationship with his kids to be healed.

(I know, I’m always trying to squeeze in an extra wish, but I figured I could get a 3 for 1 since they are all inter-related)

I also know this sounds very extreme. Before you suggest I go to a meeting and do self- care, thank you for the suggestion. It is what it is, I come to this place with much love and clarity have done a lot of self work. I’m not very well versed spiritually, or even strong in my faith but I believe in asking for help.

So, today I asked a prophetic dreams group that’s run by a lady I met; what prayers I should be chanting to facilitate my desire to fruition.

If this STILL sounds too weirded out, sorry. Desperate times call for desperate measures. My son is in jail on for his longest time ever- 6 weeks. As stated in my previous whining posts, its been a roller coaster ride. And not the new flashy, sexy roller coaster, but the old wooden, creaky, break-down-at-any moment roller coaster (where they would casually say: “You knew the risk” if you were to get hurt).

So putting my question to a group of potentially spiritually-in-tune people was a desperate measure also. The answers I received, however, changed my perspective. This is a summation of what they said:

STOP trying to make deals with GOD! STOP immediately because deals are only made with the devil.
God ONLY wants Love & faith from you that he already sent his son to die for all our sins.

You can’t pay or bargain with God!

If you ask for healing you have to believe you have it, whether you see it yet or not, that’s the true test, do not confess what “is wrong with them” instead speak that they are healed.

Thank God that they are healed by his stripes, that he bore their sickness, thank him OUT LOUD for each promise, it could take a few months or sooner but stick with it everyday, do not let other people confess so called diagnosis over your loved ones in distress, either.

I start now.

I start calling my son into healing. I’m through letting him slide back into an excuse to blame the devil or some other entity. Evil can be fought. And if he can’t see it or say it, I will be his voice. He still has to be the one to do the work and to first DECIDE to do the work. So through the jail message system I sent my first born incarcerated son this message of not only HOPE but of FAITH.

Happy Fathers Day Son. You WILL be an influence on your kids' lives again. They WILL love you again. There will be no confusion or shame because you will teach them about things that take dads & moms away.

These 3 years do NOT take away all you have done before then. Don't believe the shame mongerers. You have just been trying to survive yourself & in that regard you did amazing! You were an excellent provider & u were a loving fun dad. You can be again. 3 yrs is nothing out of a 60-70 year life.

You are loved.

I love you son, and soon, when you see the understanding in your little kids' eyes & feel their forgiveness, it will ALL be worth it.
Enjoy your day the best you can.

HḀṖṖẏ ḟḀṮḧḕṙṠ ḊḀẏ

To those fathers everywhere who are the wonderful hallmark version, to those who are stuck in their own struggle of survival and pain- and all those in between.

You are seen, heard and loved.

Your potential is not measured by your surroundings in the moment, but by the quiet moments of your heart. Where you ache deeply for your family and kids. Where your shame has pushed you into places and spaces that smothered you into numbness.

Whatever it is that pushed you into isolation, whether it was a society who said you wasn’t worthy of being amongst them; or your own spiral into self- defeat; you can come back.

Anytime, come back.

You’re needed. You’re wanted.

It might not seem like it.
We might be scared and worried at first, but it’s only because we care. We have been conditioned to fear the worst. So have you. That’s why it horrifies you to think of being that person you were before. After all – those were the days you needed to escape from. The stress and pressure of expectations and disappointment were off the charts some days.

What if you fail again?
Oh but my son, what if you don’t?
What if the last half or more of your life is filled with unbelievable joy? What if your kids and grandkids are gathered around you to hear your war stories? Not real war, but your days of the drug war. You won’t glamorize it, like alcohol is. You will tell the cold hard truth. You will tell those precious souls that evil starts small. With a thought. A nudge. A risk. A desire for something more. You will tell them not to be afraid or embarrassed to admit their concerns. If they are in over their head, it’s the right thing to do to seek help.

Come back.
So much love awaits you.
-© Samantha Waters

Sometimes society isolates people who are in pain into good old fashioned shame. We’re interconnected for a reason, we need one another and a perspective outside of our own in order to see the limitations of our own.-James Robertson
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A Mother’s Plight of Love

I used to feel sorry for people who didn’t have kids.

I thought what do they have to look forward to? Who’s going to take care of them when they’re old? How awful they must feel on Mother’s day and Fathers day.

But today as I looked at a coworker in that category my feelings changed.

I thought–She never has to see her child suffer. You can look at a kid in a faraway country and feel sorry for their circumstance but until you have had the full responsibility for a human–from the first flutter of movement or from first sight of their little face; then providing every aspect of their human needs for years and years- it’s not the same. Empathy versus deep unconditional love maybe?

You instantly become a fighter. An advocate and a mama bear ready to attack anything that threatens to come between you and this little previous human that is entrusted to your care.

You can love something at first site. And love can grow exponentially too. After hundreds of times looking into those eyes, you form a loving bond. Hundreds of meals fixed for them. Hundreds of baby spoons cajoled into their little mouths trying to get them to eat. And when they are hurt by the outside world or even worse-by someone close to them-the pain that you feel for them is indescribable. When all you want more than anything is for your child to feel loved and secure and just happy–just plain happy.

I spent years and years feeling a sickening pit in my stomach for how much pain my brother must have been in in the years before he took his own life. I can’t even imagine what magnitude of pain my mom must have felt at the same thought. I thought of my mom’s years and years of pain and suffering. And how, at times, she had no one to confide in.

Now here I am- my life more than halfway over with–and I have my own searing mother pain. My daughter tells me that we can’t control how people feel or what they do–therefore we can’t worry about it. Yes, that’s the practical thing to do. That is highly logical Captain Kirk. We can only control ourselves, our thoughts, our actions. But what if you are a “highly sensitive” person? What if you tend to reflect, analyze, & worry? What if every decision you’ve made was carefully thought out and made with the only information you had at the time and only the feelings & experiences in your own heart? But of course- it didn’t please everyone. Because you can’t please everyone. It’s easy for someone else to look at it and say this or that–but until they’ve faced it – in exactly your same scenario -there should be NO judgment.

No matter the age of your child- you hurt when they hurt. YOU are the ones seeing the pain in their eyes when they are left out of something in school or with friends. YOU are the one who sees the sadness of their face drooping. You are the one who catches the slight change in their tone of voice as they tell the world they’re fine, when you know their insides are screaming that they’re not.

Rick Warren the pastor and author of the book “The Purpose-Driven Life” talked about his son committing suicide at age 27. He said if love could have healed that boy he would be sitting here today. He was surrounded by love. A stable home. Lots of support. Yet his synapses in his brain weren’t working. He still didn’t “feel” it or process it- who knows. But the pain was there. The incredible pain. The pain that we would take away if we could. But we can’t.

We spend years nurturing our children and hope that everyone else will do the same. But everyone else doesn’t. Because everyone else has their own agenda. Their own pain. Everyone else has their own ideas of what life should be like in their world. If someone is frowning they think that person should just be happy. If someone is not doing what that person thinks they should be doing- they THINK “THEY should just be doing what I think they should be doing. …We do it all the time….every day “why didn’t he just do that?” Over and over we push our experiences and thoughts onto an entire other person’s life. Disregarding THEIR thought process and their feelings. Why can’t we all just be little robots going around doing what we should? Because we’re not. We’re only human. Like the Christina Perry song

Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human, yeah……

Happy Mother’s Day to every Mom who’s ever had the privilege of raising a child, even for a short time.

Happy Mother’s Day to every Mom suffering today because of loss or pain or illness.

Cherish your memories, and thank God for every moment you had and for every future moment you have ahead to honor your children and your role as their ultimate cheerleader and fighter.

To my Mom who has passed, here’s your favorite guy. I honor your memory with love.

Home Base

Take What You Need

My job gives me the opportunity to intimately see into a person’s life…..in fact I see pretty much the whole spectrum from birth to death.

I’ve had the opportunity to watch 100’s of births and maybe half as many deaths.

After an emotional week at work which resulted in several awakenings, tonight my heart is full. Full of a sense of the struggles people face…
Sometimes silently… Sometimes in the public eye.

The sudden appearance of disease in your life; wrenching heartache & turmoil that you never dreamed of; or the pain of looking into the eyes of a lost soul, seeing the remnants of broken dreams shattered.

My personal awakenings included memories of my parent’s deaths mingled with twinges of regret; also the suicide of my brother 15 years before; who was my hero..my protector…my wizard.🤺

I’ve witnessed fame and the fall; anger and outright apathy. I’ve seen firsthand that disease, addiction and death have NO favorites. No one is immune. It doesn’t matter how famous, how rich, how respected you are, you can’t prevent  tragedy and strife from invading your sacred space.

Although our challenges are different, the one thing that we all have in common is human bodies & souls 💫 that need connection. Gabor Mate explains it well Here in this easy cartoon drawing.

What it comes down to is …..that ALL of us  eventually struggle with the same issues.

To think our time will never come or that our kids will never have to experience that deep pain is being very naive.

We all experience feelings of loss, regret, sadness, and guilt.

When those times arrive, almost everyone craves understanding & compassion without expectation;

A hand placed over theirs;

A gentle touch that says: “I’m not scared of your disease”.

Eyes that hold no judgement…. Just simple silence that says “I’m here”. A parting hug that says, “everything will work out”.

And most of all – A heart that says

L❤️VE

💜❣️💛❣️💚❣️💙

©Samantha Waters RN

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The Mother Love

The Mother Love

Love is not found in the Hallmark aisle.

Love is not found in boxed chocolates tied up with a silk bow.

Love is not found in a Facebook post with lovey-dovey pictures.

Love IS found in the quick breathe of a Mom who looks at her phone and sees the number of her child calling.

Love IS found with the expelled breathe of relief when the door to the treatment center or bus door closes with her child behind it.

Love IS found in the fallen tears on the pillow, alone, in the dark.

Love is seen when a mom looks into her hurting childs eyes as he lashes out at anyone who dares get between him and his master.

This life, this journey. We didn’t request to be in the club. But when we first laid eyes on the child, along with all the hopes and dreams to come; we unknowingly accepted the disappointments and pain that would surely come also.

The first time our child came home crying because someone was mean to them, we felt the fierceness rise inside us.

We knew instantly we would fight for our child’s heart. We knew we would do anything to soothe their pain.

Now they seem so far away.
We can’t save them.
We can’t bridge that gap to cauterize their bleeding heart. If we could, we would.

God knows we try.
We try bandaid after bandaid.

It doesn’t work.
The hemorrhage continues.
It filters through loved one’s lives and relationships like hot lava flowing from a huge volcano.

We wonder when it will stop. How deep is that hole?

No one truly knows.
So we forge through the pain.

Thinking we can’t go on.

But we will.

Because of that momma bond. Unbroken. Unseared.
We will go on.
And even if we can’t fix this boo boo.
We can still love.

We love DESPITE the pain.
We love THROUGH the pain.
We love because we are Mother’s.

We carry love from the pre-mortal existence before earth and we carry it through the galaxies into the afterlife.

Not time, nor space can douse a Mother’s Love.

Throughout centuries and worlds of hardships- nothing has stopped a Mother’s Love.

Beware, of the Mother’s Love.

It can crush unimaginable barricades.
Move mountains to plains.
Change hearts to Gold.
Make a meal out of nothing.
Sew a complete fictional character out of strips of cloth.

This war might think it has been won. The victory flag being raised by the devil himself.

But he doesn’t and never will…..
Know the strength of a Mother’s Love.

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Broken Love

Anonymous Guest post

I never wanted for us to fall apart the way we did..but then, no one ever does.
Our love was strong, powerful and passionate ..the sort of love that we all search for our entire lives.
But as we found that our attraction that was intensely overwhelming sometimes, we overlooked a lot of other things..
Things we should have been paying attention to.
We may have seen the truth but refused to acknowledge it, I can’t really say.
I tried to do whatever I could to make you happy..
Somewhere along the way, I began trying to fix you, to do whatever I could to make your life better..or so I thought.
I poured so much of myself into you and us that it slowly began to eat at me..
Tearing me apart, little by little.
I don’t know why I thought I had to save you, that you needed my help to fix your problems..
But that’s just who I am, I guess..a fixer.
I tried to do for you so much that I stopped doing for myself.
I lifted you up when you wouldn’t even stand on your own..and it broke me a little more every time.
So, now we stand at a crossroads and I don’t know where the path leads from here.

We have the love that most only dream of, but that’s been lost a little as we fought to keep going forward.
I don’t have any answers other than that I know I love you and I couldn’t make it work.

I’d fallen to my knees, drained as the struggle of carrying us both threatened to tear me apart..
But I’m rising again and finally remembering my own strength,
A little more every day, a little braver each time.
I know now I can’t save you or fix you- only you can do what needs to be done to make yourself happy.
So, as I stand in front of you, hand outstretched, the choice is yours to make.
Is our love worth fighting for, or does this chapter close our story?
I know we will do what’s best for both of us, just always know that I did all I could for love, for us.
If I have to walk away, I’ll always do it knowing I gave it my all.
In the end, that’s all we can really do.
Live, laugh, and love till we can’t anymore.

I believe in you,

I know we can emerge from this battle stronger, wiser, and closer.
What’s meant to be will always find a way,
Through the storms, I know we can make it, through
Now more than ever, I truly believe.