Tag: love

Headed to Branson-in Spirit

I should be on a plane right now. Headed to Branson with my family on vacation. Instead I am matching the raindrops on my window with my own tears as they fall. I am driving in the middle of the bustling city wondering how I got here.

Not here physically. I know exactly where I am.
And it’s not pretty.

It's not the vacation I'm mourning.
It's the feeling that going on vacation brings. The temporary reprieve from life. The anticipation of new adventures. The guilt of spending money is washed away with the knowledge of bonds being strengthened and memories being made.

Instead of all those feelings, I’m facing the stark reality of my life in real time.
I’m facing a divorce after 5 years together. I’m facing how to manage $2100+ more in monthly bills that I’m now responsible for.

I’m facing how to maneuver what was an already stressed life to an even more stressful life.

There will be no more trips to see and save my son.
No more weekend adventures camping or 4 wheeling with my husband. No more phone calls when I’m broke down in traffic and need rescuing.

I can already hear the whispered voices: “She did it to herself. She should have knownā€¦ā€¦.she should have done this or thatā€¦..”
Some of the same things these same people have said about my addicted son and his life.

Is it true? Pretty much.
Is it helpful? šŸ’Æ NOšŸš«šŸ™…ā€ā™€ļø

Whether it’s my fault or not,
I’m still faced with the same issues plus a hundred more now. I’m faced daily with the sickening and stark reality that in just 2 weeks my son is facing prison. He will either comply or he will make things extremely more difficult for himself.

I still battle the everyday realization that he is stuck in some kind of time warp right now where he lives in survival mode instead of what he could be doing to prepare for court.

It’s mind-boggling and extremely hard to understand.

My stomach cringes in agony that he lives in such struggle and hardship. A groundhog day of broken down cars, dead batteries, moving and hiding them so they don’t get towed. Finding food, money and whatever else it takes to survive on the street. Cars are a great relief from the wind and snow but in 100+ degree heat they are just ovens. Especially with no gas.

But none of that should be my concern.

I’m supposed to live my life and forget about his problems. I tried. Obviously failed.

Now I’m losing ground myself.
Addiction can be blamed for a lot of things, but mostly it takes the energy and souls of those trying to fight it.
I found out that the scattered remnants of addictionā€™s consequences ( debt, relapses, criminal record, fines, fees, housing problems, abandonment of responsibilities ) all bring out the worst in others. Especially if they take a tough love approach and / or remain bitter and resentful.
Luckily my husband was my number 1 supporter in trying to help my son. But it still takes a toll.
Other issues are more bound to come up too.

Would this have happened without the addiction to bring it out?

Would other marriages survive if addiction didn’t come into it? Who knows? Maybe.

Life is one complete unknown.
We just have to do the best we can with what tools we have at the time.

I still have other healthy, happy kids. I have beautiful grandkids. I have a home- Thank GODšŸ™ā€¼ļøšŸ™ I have a job.
Today I was able to talk to my boy and for that I am grateful. He could tell I was sad and I felt his concern. He feels some responsibility and it adds to his shame of loss and pain.
Unfortunately, the tools seem so out of reach for him.
I have to rely on myself. I have to find a way to get stronger. I have no one to fall back on. No parents or siblings. I have to formulate a plan of action.

But first, I’m going to lean my head against this cold, rainy window and let the tears flow.
Because I know the sun will shine again.

Motherhood Lessons

Motherhood is about raising and celebrating the child you have, not the child you thought youā€™d have. It’s about understanding he is exactly she person he’s supposed to be. And if youā€™re lucky he might be the teacher who turns you into the person you’re supposed to-be.” – The Water Giver

Motherhood has its ups and downs for sure. Those of us who wonder if we did the right things in equipping our children with the strength, courage and character to ā€œmake itā€ in the world, should feel comfortable that we did what we could with what we had.

Age, genes, and life experience matter. A 20 year mother isnā€™t going to have the life wisdom of a 30 year old mother but age doesnā€™t necessarily give maternal instinct either. Some people have it and some donā€™t yet and may never. 

At the same time, well educated parents donā€™t necessarily produce the ā€œbestā€ kids either.

Then you have the discussion is what is a ā€œgoodā€ kid. Because Iā€™ve seen enough performative kids and adults behave well for years and climb the ladder in church or career only to fall and fall big. Not just lose their job big but go crazy and/or commit crimes big. Was it a midlife crisis or did they finally crack from the weight of always living for someone else?

  • As a parent, itā€™s easy to feel ineffective when you or your kids have suffered big losses.

In retrospection of my life, Iā€™ve found that going down those negative thought spirals does nothing for my self worth or my mental health and quality of life.

What DOES help my mental health is appreciating what I have and giving myself tons of self compassion. This means giving myself the love and appreciation that I crave and need from others but most likely will feel disappointment of it doesnā€™t come.

Finishing my book of the story of raising my kids was therapeutic for myself but also swings open the door for criticism and acceptance.

Will it be relatable? Is it too long? Is it to subject specific? (Drug use). Only time will tell.

Meanwhile I continue to try to not be dependent on othersā€™ opinion or at least be appreciative of it but then let it go.

Hereā€™s the link to my book if you would like to read more or support me in my efforts.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1958533262

I would love a review on Amazon. You donā€™t even have to buy the book, just read the sample and give me stars!

šŸ’Happy Mothers Day 2025šŸ’

Running Toward Pleasure

The phrase spoken in Netflix’s new “Painkiller”:

“All of human behavior is essentially comprised of two things: running away from pain and toward pleasure…….its a cycle….

This circle is our existence . It is the very essence of what it means to be human, being alive. But if we place ourselves right there between pain and pleasure…WE become the gatekeepers for everyone who wants to get away from pain then we have changed the world…….

Then you will never have to worry about money ever again”.

https://www.netflix.com/title/81095069?preventIntent=true

This is the basic premise to the Sacklers fortune and the subject of many lawsuits and legislation. It’s also the basis of tremendous suffering of many people for years as they navigate the consequences of addiction and the cause of many tragic deaths affecting millions of families. 

"A drug you never knew you needed"....

Was the sales pitch….

But then later one of the Sacklers states:

"I am appalled that someone would abuse this drug".

As a nurse, I see the residual effects of Sacklers pain pitch every single day. The pain scale is still taken as gospel and still used extensively and the Joint Commission which oversees hospitals, has the authority to inflict fines and reduce privileges and operations if pain is not addressed.

As a mom of a chaotic substance user I have walked in the depths of the Sacklers’ business model manifested as homelessness, incarceration, bankruptcy, endocarditis, congestive heart failure, sepsis, MRSA, coma, and progressive crimes to obtain the “pleasure”,

“For a minute people actually think they are getting their lives back. And they do. For a little while”

My son was the perfect model for this. He said when he was at the height of his pill use, he was the most productive he’s ever been. He also said everyone looked up to him and worshiped him. The minute they cracked down on pills, he was also the poster child for turning to cheaper and “more” accessible ways to manage his sickness. Then all bets were off. He would lose everything over the next 3 years. What bothered him the most, I believe, was losing the respect from family and friends. He was still essentially the same person trying to get by, now thrust into a world of illegal drugs, sketchy behavior to get said drugs and the loss of the ability to take care of himself and his responsibilities.

This is what struck me the most while watching the first 3 episodes of Painkiller. The irony of how quickly someone can go from being “ok” to society then have the wrath of “not ok” with all the stigma plus the world of the correctional system bearing down on them for essentially trying to manage an illness with drugs that are mostly the same. One just happens to be illegal.

I know that people who haven’t had a personal experience with addiction will have their opinion on it and might blow off movies like “Painkiller, Dopesick” and the one I based the info in my book on: “The Business of Drugs”.

“They should have known better”

“Everyone knows drugs are addictive”

Or my favorite:

“Play stupid games win stupid prizes” said by someone who is very smart and never does anything wrong, ever.

That’s fine.

Education and awareness is great but if you don’t have horses in the game, you don’t really care who “wins”.

As I go about trying to live a normal life with this weight always in the pit of my stomach; I notice this attitude throughout my interactions.

People are all going through their own struggles, and although addiction, homelessness, court hearings, jail, prison and related health issues are an immense burden to bear; others problems are big to them too.

As I was treating myself to getting my nails done the other day, I became fixated on the disparity of my nail lady’s “perceived” life and house and my life and house. Everything was high end, posh, in its place, comfy, cozy, and screamed success. As she talked about her pool cover being broken, having to pay for her boat to be cleaned, her dogs at boarding school, the struggle of buying skimpy school clothes for her teenager; I became more and more depressed. What I wouldn’t give to have what she had and wander around all day watering flowers and ordering fingernail polish instead of worrying about where my son is sleeping and if he’s eating and watching my phone for any number with his area code that could mean trouble and despair.

But when I got home and relayed all of my thoughts to my husband, he wisely told me: “Many people envy our life too, we have good jobs, lots of family, a safe -albeit small- condo, and a fridge full of food”. 

He forgot to mention the most important thing--someone who loves us.

The Sacklers’ story is an interesting one. They are portrayed as uncaring and unapologetic. They seem to believe that money will solve everything and fix any problems they created.

With money comes more options and opportunities but also different types of problems.

Would I trade my problems for others’? Some days. Would I want all the Sacklers billions? No, not if it’s blood money. Do I think having a few hundred thousand would solve most of my problems? Yes. But as it is, I am blessed beyond belief at what I do have. 

As my mama always said: "If you have your health you have everything".

My husband and I have our health, a safe and comfy home, food and vehicles and family.

Blessed beyond belief but yes, still praying for my prodigal son and all the issues surrounding that to be resolved and healed.

The other thing I realized is I can be mad all day long at the cause of addiction that barged its way into my family, but that’s not going to solve the problem. It’s not going to give my son an Intervention and break from his lifestyle. It’s not going to repair damaged relationships. It’s not going to miraculously change mindsets, and habits, and hurt feelings. All of those things have to be worked on constantly and intentionally by ALL involved.

All I can do is stay strong, healthy and loving. I will continue to get my nails done because it is a bright spot every minute of every day when I see my cute nails. It makes me think that one thing is right in this moment.

It makes me feel ā€œnormalā€ whatever that is. It takes me away from my world for an hour or two and if I play it rightā€”and not let the envy get to meā€”I can pretend Iā€™m in a luxury spa and filling up my basket. I can feed my body and mind with the good things that self care does. Replenishing my cells with vitamin filled lotion and pretty colors and relaxing music. I can relish in the similarities that we are two moms who love their kids very much and if the tables were turned l, of course would buy and have everything she has. We are women doing our best to live our best life with the challenges that each of us face. And although I would love to have rich people problems, I may not get to experience the growth and perspective that I get my being completely authentically ME, and being proud of who I am and what I have been through.

Self-Care Day

Although I don’t have a giant round window, sparkling chandelier, or even a free-standing tub; I do have a small quiet condo in the suburbs of the city.

Believe it or not, I can sit quietly, without any devices, on a Monday morning and hear nothing but the faint sounds of life doing what life does.

Today was the perfect day for my version of self-care. I spent the morning in a chasm of swirling thoughts about my son’s life in addiction and the legal ramifications of that.

Although I have chosen to emotionally support him and be available when needed; I do encourage treatment to him almost daily. I offer massive amounts of harm reduction. I keep writing to various people in the hopes that someone will come through with an idea and the resources to carry them out.

As door after door closes; I feel incredible sadness at my inability to make any headway with my son.

My son has been living in a different world than me. A world that scares me to the core. 

He has been shot in the leg. He seen people die. He's been exposed to horrific things--both in person and on video. Things he choked up even trying to tell me.

So even though he still has his signature traits of humor, introspection, and vision; the chemicals are changing his ability to see a way out. His logical reasoning to not make his situation worse –is on a break. His risk meter has been progressively getting weaker as he seeks out further methods of survival in the streets. Even though his words say one thing, his self sabotage makes him do another. His intention to fix everything tomorrow leaves him tired and struggling tonight. 

Tomorrow brings darker people, places & things that welcome more deviant behavior to numb wounded souls. Fulfilling their human daily needs seems to be the only goal.

He seems to be stuck in this pattern of chaos and hustling. He told me on Christmas he doesn’t have time for anything else but scrambling to survive. When I mention that it doesn’t have to be that way, he looks at me like I’m from another planet. I had to constantly tell myself that “No, this world is NOT normal. It’s not normal to be around shady and sketchy people doing shady and sketchy things while living in your truck.” Yet he seems so at home in that world.

His mind seems to operate on an all or nothing mentality. He’s either calling an old friend and proposing a half million dollar business opportunity (which the friend said yes!), to returning to chaotic use, the next week after a horrible fight with a person who holds the cards for certain aspects of his experience and his roles to fulfill.

I’m convinced he is hurting deeply. He does have a few free options for treatment. They aren’t the best and honestly, the two times he has been to treatment seemed to make him worse. My belief that despite having a higher ego personality and high intelligence; he has deeper issues to explore than 30-day rehabs can address. He seems convinced that he doesn’t deserve success either in sobriety or business and relationships including being a dad.

Despite his tough skin, the things that he’s been told must affect him. Things such as: He’s a horrible person and his addiction has been the most horrible thing known to man and that him relapsing is a spit in the face to all who’ve tried to help him. In which they packed up his things & put them out in the garage, as if he had the plague.

So I can judge his lifestyle all I want. I can listen to others who mutter, “When will he ever learn?” As they shake their heads in disgust but make no attempt to ask, “How can we help him? What can we do?”

My circle gets smaller and smaller in finding those who understand our predicament. There seems to be no one else who can offer help. I’m left to do my best every day to not think and worry about more trauma.

Bottom line, is that I will not let my inability to understand his actions keep me from loving him the best way I can. I refuse to treat him harshly and with vitriol and disdain. I refuse to cut off communication until he can “learn his lesson”, or “grow up”.

Even though I understand family fatigue and “giving enough chances”; the reality of my sons life being cut short is a statistical fact, due to a diagnosis of heart failure.

The chances of me losing my son before I die propels me to keep holding on, keep hoping, and keep loving as best I know how.

I still feel deep sadness most days. Sadness for what my son has lost. I know it pains him so deeply that he can’t break free of self-sabotage. I know he hates failure more than anything except maybe his fear of repeated failure. I know his family members’ reactivity and vitriol towards him bothers him deeply, which is why he stays away and isolates.

As for me, I can only keep loving the best way I know how. Knowing it may be my last interaction with my funny, strong, talented, lost, son.

I can keep remembering that there has to be a God that loves him even more than I do. A God who knows his struggles, who knows his heart. And who still sends tiny little miracles every single day to my son and to me– Via a yummy shared meal for him, or a flash of a joyful memory for me– thank you Facebook memories.

Or maybe it’s just the realization that I have had an amazing life being the Mom to all my kids and gratefulness is truly the key to happiness.

And Love of course. Which I will continue to do. And carve time out for my own self care daily/ weekly.

So after work today, I decided to actually go get my hair cut for the first time in years.

That’s right– years! For various reasons, I have cut my hair at home. It was strange being back in the salon environment. The busyness, idle chit chat. Hair, makeup, Things that – in my mind – are so unimportant. But as I sat there, listening and actually talking to my hair dresser; I felt something stir. 

I felt a version of my old me. The me who tried so hard to stay young. Who tried to exercise. Who tried to get out in nature every chance she could. Who kept her hair colored and her skin tan. A me who just wanted to feel and look the best I possibly could as the years crept up threatening to steal my youth.

I suddenly wanted that person back. As the hair dresser handed me the mirror, and asked: “What do you think?”

I wanted to yell:

“I THINK I’VE MISSED THAT PERSON! I THINK I LOST HER ALONG THE WAY OF FIGHTING FOR LIFE. I THINK IN MY QUEST FOR PEACE, I LOST WHO I WAS. I THINK I NEED TO FIND HER AGAIN!”

“So, you like the haircut?”

She trepidly asked.

“Yes, yes, I like it. Thank you.”

Love is the most divine healer –Val Kilmer

Building Emotional Walls

For years I’ve built many walls. Each time I felt slighted or scared, used or hurt, I would add another brick. Brick by brick I would cement each one with emotionally resistant mortar to ensure that I wouldn’t get hurt again.

One day I woke up wondering why I felt so trapped. I felt like I was surrounded by 4 walls. They were so tall I couldn’t see a thing! Walls were supposed to surround me in safety. I’m supposed to be happier by avoiding hurt. But my bubble of safetywasn’t all that bubbly. Those harf bricks couldn’t reach my still aching heart.

I wanted to be in control of my pain and I thought isolating me up like the Boy in The Plastic Bubble, would keep me in control.

By controlling who and what I let into my world, I would surely be healed of all these frailties.

But I wasn’t healing.

I was miserable.

Without having the opportunity to approach these issues; I was stuck in my own vortex of insecurity and trepidation.

All the times I had said:

If only people would stop bothering/being mean/ attacking my character/lying to me.

Or:

If only that group/company/ race or class of people/boss/ friend would pull their heads out and do what I want them to do; then my life would be manageable and tolerable and I would thrive.

When you find yourself becoming bitter, angry or acting in defensive ways; whether it be from a traumatic event like a hurricane (which triggers a fear of dying or suffering) or from rejection (triggering feelings of loss & judgment) or from the piling on of negative “events” outside your control (triggering the fear of completely losing control of your life & freedom); the natural instinct is fight or flight.

If you fight, it creates more resistance.

If you run— or hide in walls–you are only delaying the inevitable.

Even being isolated in my brick fortress couldn’t stop my self misery from overflowing and seeping through. Even bricks get condensation and moisture on them causing rot, decay and mold.

Allowing these emotions to take that much space in your precious body keeps the cycle going. So where were my thoughts going if there weren’t any outside influences directly in my face to trigger me?

My thoughts were still in the offense. And in the offensive. I was still replaying my story of hurt or unfairness. I was justifying my pity party by remaining hidden in “safeness“.

In these moments, it’s important to find your ability to return to the place you left off!!! BEFORE these thoughts overtook your head! Return to when you felt safe & loved! Return to when you completely loved your innocent self before you built these walls around your heart. That might be your inner child. Your sweet innocent inner child.

This isn’t hiding your head in the sand. It’s preserving your energy & returning to taking care of what you can. The things that are right in front of you–not the “what ifs”.

It’s giving attention to your own fearful, cracked tender heart & telling it that it will survive this. Until then, you’re not going to be living in fear & drive wedges between those you interact with.

If someone is assaulting your character & you can’t bring yourself to thank them for making you see how much this is triggering in you–then return to love–silently in your own heart.


Before the fear came.


Before your thoughts of how awful they are to judge you. Thank them silently for making you realize how much you Need to return to loving thoughts of them & their painful journey that YOU MUST be triggering in them!


Being able to intentionally  thank anything that makes you realize you need more self-care & acceptance; (because kicking yourself or feeling guilty or fearful does not return you to a loving place of empowerment)– but being grateful can.

Turn off the TV if it’s causing stress & strain in the morning or at night. I feel this every time I watch the news before work: I’m irritable, fearful, driving angrier, not breathing deep & cleansing. In these moments of rumination and discontent– I’m not extending love to anyone or contributing to the healing of the world. 

Love. It really is the answer to overcoming Every other emotion! Even if it's love you're giving to yourself.

Tis better than holding myself captive in a cage of my own self sabotage design.

Return to love
We ALL need it– now and forever.
šŸ’
Hopeāš“

Self-Care Day

Although I don’t have a giant round window, sparkling chandelier, or even a free-standing tub; I do have a small quiet condo in the suburbs of the city.

Believe it or not, I can sit quietly, without any devices, on a Monday morning and hear nothing but the faint sounds of life doing what life does.

Today was the perfect day for my version of self-care. After a busy weekend moving my youngest daughter in, I woke up not feeling well. I spent the morning in a chasm of swirling thoughts about my son’s life in addiction and the legal ramifications of that.

Although I have chosen to emotionally support him and be available when needed; I do encourage treatment to him almost daily. I offer massive amounts of harm reduction. I keep writing to various people in the hopes that someone will come through with an idea and the resources to carry them out.

As door after door closes; I feel incredible sadness at my inability to make any headway with my son.

My son has been living in a different world than me. A world that scares me to the core. 

He has been shot in the leg. He seen people die. He's been exposed to horrific things--both in person and on video. Things he choked up even trying to tell me.

So even though he still has his signature traits of humor, introspection, and vision; the chemicals are changing his ability to see a way out. His logical reasoning to not make his situation worse –is on a break. His risk meter has been progressively getting weaker as he seeks out further methods of survival in the streets. Even though his words say one thing, his self sabotage makes him do another. His intention to fix everything tomorrow leaves him tired and struggling tonight. 

Tomorrow brings darker places that welcome more deviant behavior to numb wounded souls yet it fulfills their human daily needs.

He seems to be stuck in this pattern of chaos and hustling. He told me on Christmas he doesn’t have time for anything else but scrambling to survive. When I mention that it doesn’t have to be that way, he looks at me like I’m from another planet. I had to constantly tell myself that “No, this world is NOT normal. It’s not normal to be around shady and sketchy people doing shady and sketchy things while living in your truck.” Yet he seems so at home in that world.

His mind seems to operate on an all or nothing mentality. He’s either calling an old friend and proposing a half million dollar business opportunity (which the friend said yes!), to returning to chaotic use, the next week after a horrible fight with a person who holds the cards for certain aspects of his experience and his roles to fulfill.

I’m convinced he is hurting deeply. His problem isn’t unavailable options or lack of treatment facilities. His problem is that despite having a higher ego personality and high intelligence, he must be convinced that he doesn’t deserve success either in sobriety or business and relationships.

Despite his tough skin, the things that he’s been told must affect him. Things such as: He’s a horrible person and his addiction has been the most horrible thing known to man and that him relapsing is a spit in the face to all who’ve tried to help him. In which they packed up his things & put them out in the garage, as if he had the plague.

So I can judge his lifestyle all I want. I can listen to others who mutter, “When will he ever learn?” As they shake their heads in disgust but make no attempt to ask, “How can we help him? What can we do?”

My circle gets smaller and smaller in finding those who understand our predicament. There seems to be no one else who can offer help. I’m left to do my best every day to not think and worry about more trauma.

Bottom line, is that I will not let my inability to understand his actions keep me from loving him the best way I can. I refuse to treat him harshly and with vitriol and disdain. I refuse to cut off communication until he can “learn his lesson”, or “grow up”.

Even though I understand family fatigue and “giving enough chances”; the reality of my sons life being cut short is a statistical fact, due to a diagnosis of heart failure.

The chances of me losing my son before I die propels me to keep holding on, keep hoping, and keep loving as best I know how.

Yesterday I woke up the most incredible realization that my son was alive and today I did not have to mourn him, unlike so many others. This was tremendously comforting for me and helped in my gratefulness journey.

I still feel deep sadness most days. Sadness for what my son has lost. I know it pains him so deeply that he can’t break free of self-sabotage. I know he hates failure more than anything except maybe his fear of repeated failure. I know his family members’ reactivity and vitriol towards him bothers him deeply, which is why he stays away and isolates.

As for me, I can only keep loving the best way I know how. Knowing it may be my last interaction with my funny, strong, talented, lost, son.

I can keep remembering that there has to be a God that loves him even more than I do. A God who knows his struggles, who knows his heart. And who still sends tiny little miracles every single day to my son and to me. Via a yummy meal for him, or a flash of a joyful memory for me.

(Thank you Facebook memories)

Or maybe it’s just the realization that I have had an amazing life being the Mom to all my kids and gratefulness is truly the key to happiness.

And Love of course. Which I will continue to do. And carve time out for my own self care daily/ weekly.

Love is the most divine healer –Val Kilmer

365 Days

As I watched the black swirly water from my home box of hair coloring make its way down the slowly backing-up drain; I thought of how significant this is for the end of this year. All my disappointments, black clouds of despair, & misunderstandings going, going, gone down the black jole of nowhere. Disappearing– yet holding on just enough to let me wade in the remnants of their chaos.

Although I’ve had a lot of blessings this year its also been a year of frustration & roadbumps. What I HAVE learned is to never let yourself get too comfortable. We know change is a given & most of the time, its not our choice.

When we somehow assume that we have arrived or that now life can began to get better, the rug will be pulled out from under us again. I’m not saying to be a pessimist and I certainly don’t think living in a state of paranoia is healthy; but I do think if we live each day as if things could change tomorrow, it would be a little less disappointing.

The power dynamic in relationships contributes to the level of toxicity and can originate for many

reasons. Mental illness, addiction, or strong personality types.

People are very fragile inside. Just because you’ve nabbed that guy into marriage, or finally arrived at a place you have wanted, it’s not ever a given that it will stay that way. You HAVE to constantly feed that relationship, work on job skills, people skills. People are constantly evolving. Their emotions & feelings change & they are feverishly trying to keep up with their own thoughts and their own selves.

We can’t assume that we aren’t hurting them by saying something that we’ve always said before, or by taking them for granted, just because yesterday they may have responded a certain way– such as ambivalence. 

Their ambivalence might be a defense mechanism to not be hurt further.

Sometimes we don’t realize how cutting our words are until it’s too late. If someone is stonewalling us, we might be toxic or–at the very minimum- not helpful to an already challenging situation. Most people- people who have a heart-will eventually have regrets when the relationship ends due to death. If we can put aside our ego, and/or heal our benevolence and pain; while there is still time, then we can create stronger bonds that are helpful, not hurtful.

We can achieve this by practicing heart-centered communication that fosters family relationships instead of continually punishing ourselves and others with being right at all times and/or being the virtuous one.

Healed people don’t expect every interaction to fulfill their emotional needs. Healthy people don’t demand rigid rules of communicating.

Before my parents died I had one goal for many many years. It was to not have any regrets after they passed. I lived that every single day with them for 20+ years. And except for the very end of their lives, I have very few regrets.

I have now practiced this with my struggling son for the last few years.

On Christmas, my husband and I sat in a cozy Mexican restaurant in a rundown part of town with him. I looked into his eyes and saw a defeated man. I saw a glimpse of a loving dad as he looked at a picture of his daughter who was growing up without him. A daughter who he was very close to for the first 7 years of her life. Who he sent flowers to when he was working out of town. A daughter that addiction took him away from her and every time he gets close to being in her life, the prize is pulled further away, like a perpetually moving carrot. I saw his deep pain & almost disdain for what his life has become. He still thinks bigger than life, while having nothing to his name. He struggled to voice his feelings and explain how his behaviors seem to make sense to him, but to us they seem convoluted and chaotic.

My heart ached so deeply I thought I would crumble into tears. But I had to stay strong. I had to show my son hope. I had to let him believe that there was one more miracle n store for him. I had to somehow convince him that sobriety was better than this. That he would be a dad again despite tremendous obstacles and unhealed pain. I had to be the lighthouse that helps guide him out of darkness. And if I can’t guide him out, then I must be able to sit with him in pain. I will have no regrets with my son. That is my goal. He will know he’s loved and capable and strong. He will believe that many people love and care for him, even if they don’t or can’t say it.

I will remind him. I will be the voice of those still too unhealed and angry. I will be the link, the connection.

Because heart- centered Love is just that. It centers in the heart and stays there forever, despite circumstances beyond reasonable control.

As each new year starts it gives us an excuse to have no regrets- at least with how we treat people. One more day means we can try again. 365 days to get it right, do it better next year. We may not have the power to change the outcomes, but we have the power in ourselves to spread life and love over mangled and desperate souls.

So, just like my swirling black water tonight- I let go of everything I’ve perpetrated against unknowingly. People I’ve hurt and offended. You can’t move forward with the same problems if you are in the same mindset as when the problems were created, so I’m letting them go down the drain. Here’s a toast to 2023. May it be full of love- not regret. Full of appreciation-not bitterness. And full of heart-centered effort- not regretā€¦šŸ’–šŸŽ†šŸ’–šŸŽ†šŸ’–šŸŽ†šŸ’–

Against A Crooked Sky

As I drove through the windy canyon, the familiar rolling hills of my hometown gave way to the rows of turkey coops dotting the fields. The wide open blue country sky was a welcome reprieve from the city. Years ago, raising turkeys was the main livelihood for the country farmers. As a child, I would help my dad drive the trucks between the feeders to fill them up with grain. That shy little blonde girl roaming the countryside, looking for another adventure; seems like a million eons ago.

I had been making this trip more and more recently. To see my boys, all three of them- in the same town together! Finally, after many years of living in different parts of the state, they end up just 2 houses apart. Jobs, families, and that creep- addiction had separated our family and torn it to shreds. But the last 3 months were a true miracle. My eldest son had done a complete 180 and turned his life completely around. It took a brush with death- a new scary heart diagnosis, but it still was his choice.

His new mindset was completely focused on becoming legal again, resolving his court cases, trying to reunite with his kids, and forging a new career where he could meet all his financial obligations. Well, that and surviving heart disease too.

Most of those went smoothly but not effortlessly, although he has a way of making it seem so.

My goal and purpose with this trip and others was to enjoy every second I had with him and my other kids. 

I wish I could capture the feeling of opening up Facebook and seeing my son doing life. Eating out, going to the lake, kayaking, riding ATVs. Things they had done together 4 years ago, now seemed like nothing had ever come between them.

I wish I could take this feeling of relief and gently hand it to every hurting Mom. I wish I could share my splintered heart whose gaps are being filled up with small mementos of my much-awaited hope.

Hope that I spent years clinging to. Yearning. Aching for moments that I have now. Along with it comes tinges of guilt. For those who are still suffering. 

Maybe it's a bit like survivors guilt.

I vividly remember the anguish. The sleepless nights. I see certain pictures and it all comes back. The endless worry and feelings of powerlessness. The minute to minute panic of the perpetual other shoe dropping. I felt like I was running, running against the crooked sky. 

Now I finally see the rainbow. The light at the end of the tunnel. The bliss of joy. Of relief.

I know that this good fortune could run out at any time, so it’s all the more reason, why I am covering myself in it. Soaking in his victories and just loving on him any chance I get. I think I’ve hugged him more in the last 3 months than 36 years. If only I could package up those hugs. Package up his essence, his joy. His smile every time I see him.

One of his little nephews asked if he was always so fun and pleasant, and we told him yes, He was. Later he can be told that sometimes drugs mask these qualities and that’s what the last 3 years were like. For now, it’s healing time.

I had this written on my chalk painted wall for an entire year.

If I could gift this feeling to other hurting Moms, I wouldn’t wrap it in a fluffy tissue bag with a pretty bow and a tag that says live, laugh, and love.

Instead, I would give them a bright glowing golden heart with the message: hold-on, hope-on, and heal-on.

A heart of intention, covered in precious dew drops of the tears of a thousand moms mourning the child they once knew. The dew would glisten and shine brightly to lead the way to give them hope. Hope that everyone's heart can heal. I would pass its energy onto trembling hands that have no idea what's in store.

I would cover those trembling hands with all the love and faith I could carry, gently warming them into a slow breathable calmness. Telling them to trust, to hope, to have faith that there is someone who loves them and their child even more.

Someone who has them gently wrapped in the palm of his hands ever so strongly, knowingly.

When the pain is almost unbearable, and they feel alone, they can hold on to that heart and connect to their loved one, wherever they may be. 

When you can't see the light, the Rainbow. You can't see any way out. Come back to your heart. That's where the God of your understanding lies. That's where your peace is. 

 šŸ’˜
As my friend Joanne so lovingly states:
 
That's where your safety lies.  That's where your child is safest.
In your own heart šŸ’œ


https://mailchi.mp/d56448346eba/lovewins

We Can Be a Bridge, a Tunnel, or a Brick Wall

You can be a bridge, tunnel or a brick wall.

The problem with irrational thoughts, is when you’re having them, they seem perfectly rational.

Whether

When bearing the weight of addiction, discouragement, the pain of loss, or the struggle with self-image after years of emotional abuse or deep wounds of childhood trauma or neglect; every person who is battling their demons has the same basic thoughts:

That they are alone.
That no one understands or that they don't want others to be bothered with the burden of their issues,
And that they have very few options.

Along with these thoughts come the overwhelming pain of loneliness, and then the desperately wanting the feelings to stop. Some succeed in making those feelings stop while others suffer silently, living seemingly normal lives.

Or living a somewhat secretive, self-harming life.

Until you’ve sludged through these thoughts. Its easy to make quick judgments about other people without knowing what they’re going through just to get through the day.
They suffer trying to not listen to what their disease is telling them- giving in to self depreciating thoughts that have ingrained themselves into their precious brain..šŸ¤Æ

You may not have time to help them or be a life-changer counselor but you could be the turning point of their day that gives them one sliver of light.

A spark of hope. Even showing a morsel of care.

How?

  • By NOT adding to their irrational thoughts of being unlovable, or broken, or otherwise not worthy of your care or your time.
  • Setting healthy boundaries that empower them to do the same.
  • Practicing the pause of making quick judgements or assumptions.

Basically by not being another brick in their wall of self defeat.

We can bridge the gap between chaos and distress.

We can be the tunnel to their freedom – escaping from the turmoil to see the light of a new day.

This is how we show a suffering human how to climb out of darkness. By being the light. By showing how healthy people communicate and solve problems.

May we all find our place of peace. There is beauty after pain, if even for a moment. Those moments added together , gives us purpose for our own lives.

Mint Plants

How can a plant help us see our lives in full circle? What can a few leaves, some dirt and a pot teach us about life?

What we think will never change- one day, suddenly changes!

That’s what!

I have 2 Mint plants. The one on the left was the healthy big one when I bought them. The next one over was a measly lifeless scraggly plant that was half the price. I had hope at first that I could save it, but soon decided it might not make it & I had the thought to toss it. After I trimmed the leaves off the healthy one, to put in my drinking water, it slowly died. Soon after, the second one took over & came to life & is now reaching for new heights. It’s growing up toward the skylight in my kitchen.

Funny thing is, there have been times in my life when I was the plant on the left. Other times the situation was exactly reversed.

Moral?

Don’t ever think you are destined forever in your troubles.

If I’ve learned anything in my short (5`3″) life, is that no matter how I feel or what just happened to me, it won’t last.

I KNOW it will change. Little by little I’ll feel better or something grand will happen out of the blue. Things have a way of working out. It’s just so hard to wait. Whatever it takes to get your mind clear & feeling better during that time is paramount. It’s taken me a lot of years to learn what I need to do to get to that place.

Had I learned it sooner, it might have saved a lot of heartaches.

I was in the place on the left just one month ago. I thought all is lost, there’s no hope. But almost everything I have hoped for the last few years has happened.

I feel blooming.

Light. Hope. Happiness. Redeemed. Grateful.

Even- dare I say it? Joyful.

I wish I could say it was of my doing, but I can’t. My mood transformation is nothing short of a miracle. My family has come together like a forest full of lush blooming, sweet smelling greenery. The love and support which I thought was a distant dream, has magnified ten- fold. Amidst heartache and pain, it has blossomed deep family bonds that can only move forward.

I believe we can create our own miracles in the midst of struggle. Not by controlling others, but by honing in on our emotions and thoughts to pull us out of the depths of utter darkness.

Find your place & pull yourself up to it. Go toward the skylight. Find your Sun. Somedays you’ll be on top of the world. But be oh so humble when you are there. It can change in an instant. And don’t ever look down at that scraggly plant & think that you’re better than it. Both of you have the same innards inside. The same potential to be your greatness! It just might be hidden from the onlooking world. You both will ebb & flow thru lifeĀ· So just be kind. Mostly to yourself.

When you are kind to yourself and others you can enjoy the flow so much more.

Remember to never, ever give up. Possibilities exist that are beyond our thinking when we are sinking. Faith in these possibilities, is a learned skill if you don’t naturally have that positivity.

Just remember: 

YOU ARE UNFINISHED BUSINESS in MINT CONDITION!