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Take What You Need

My job gives me the opportunity to intimately see into a person’s life…..in fact I see pretty much the whole spectrum from birth to death.

I’ve had the opportunity to watch 100’s of births and maybe half as many deaths.

After an emotional week at work which resulted in several awakenings, tonight my heart is full. Full of a sense of the struggles people face…
Sometimes silently… Sometimes in the public eye.

The sudden appearance of disease in your life; wrenching heartache & turmoil that you never dreamed of; or the pain of looking into the eyes of a lost soul, seeing the remnants of broken dreams shattered.

My personal awakenings included memories of my parent’s deaths mingled with twinges of regret; also the suicide of my brother 15 years before; who was my hero..my protector…my wizard.🤺

I’ve witnessed fame and the fall; anger and outright apathy. I’ve seen firsthand that disease, addiction and death have NO favorites. No one is immune. It doesn’t matter how famous, how rich, how respected you are, you can’t prevent  tragedy and strife from invading your sacred space.

Although our challenges are different, the one thing that we all have in common is human bodies & souls 💫 that need connection. Gabor Mate explains it well Here in this easy cartoon drawing.

What it comes down to is …..that ALL of us  eventually struggle with the same issues.

To think our time will never come or that our kids will never have to experience that deep pain is being very naive.

We all experience feelings of loss, regret, sadness, and guilt.

When those times arrive, almost everyone craves understanding & compassion without expectation;

A hand placed over theirs;

A gentle touch that says: “I’m not scared of your disease”.

Eyes that hold no judgement…. Just simple silence that says “I’m here”. A parting hug that says, “everything will work out”.

And most of all – A heart that says

L❤️VE

💜❣️💛❣️💚❣️💙

©Samantha Waters RN

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The Mother Love

The Mother Love

Love is not found in the Hallmark aisle.

Love is not found in boxed chocolates tied up with a silk bow.

Love is not found in a Facebook post with lovey-dovey pictures.

Love IS found in the quick breathe of a Mom who looks at her phone and sees the number of her child calling.

Love IS found with the expelled breathe of relief when the door to the treatment center or bus door closes with her child behind it.

Love IS found in the fallen tears on the pillow, alone, in the dark.

Love is seen when a mom looks into her hurting childs eyes as he lashes out at anyone who dares get between him and his master.

This life, this journey. We didn’t request to be in the club. But when we first laid eyes on the child, along with all the hopes and dreams to come; we unknowingly accepted the disappointments and pain that would surely come also.

The first time our child came home crying because someone was mean to them, we felt the fierceness rise inside us.

We knew instantly we would fight for our child’s heart. We knew we would do anything to soothe their pain.

Now they seem so far away.
We can’t save them.
We can’t bridge that gap to cauterize their bleeding heart. If we could, we would.

God knows we try.
We try bandaid after bandaid.

It doesn’t work.
The hemorrhage continues.
It filters through loved one’s lives and relationships like hot lava flowing from a huge volcano.

We wonder when it will stop. How deep is that hole?

No one truly knows.
So we forge through the pain.

Thinking we can’t go on.

But we will.

Because of that momma bond. Unbroken. Unseared.
We will go on.
And even if we can’t fix this boo boo.
We can still love.

We love DESPITE the pain.
We love THROUGH the pain.
We love because we are Mother’s.

We carry love from the pre-mortal existence before earth and we carry it through the galaxies into the afterlife.

Not time, nor space can douse a Mother’s Love.

Throughout centuries and worlds of hardships- nothing has stopped a Mother’s Love.

Beware, of the Mother’s Love.

It can crush unimaginable barricades.
Move mountains to plains.
Change hearts to Gold.
Make a meal out of nothing.
Sew a complete fictional character out of strips of cloth.

This war might think it has been won. The victory flag being raised by the devil himself.

But he doesn’t and never will…..
Know the strength of a Mother’s Love.

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Broken Love

Anonymous Guest post

I never wanted for us to fall apart the way we did..but then, no one ever does.
Our love was strong, powerful and passionate ..the sort of love that we all search for our entire lives.
But as we found that our attraction that was intensely overwhelming sometimes, we overlooked a lot of other things..
Things we should have been paying attention to.
We may have seen the truth but refused to acknowledge it, I can’t really say.
I tried to do whatever I could to make you happy..
Somewhere along the way, I began trying to fix you, to do whatever I could to make your life better..or so I thought.
I poured so much of myself into you and us that it slowly began to eat at me..
Tearing me apart, little by little.
I don’t know why I thought I had to save you, that you needed my help to fix your problems..
But that’s just who I am, I guess..a fixer.
I tried to do for you so much that I stopped doing for myself.
I lifted you up when you wouldn’t even stand on your own..and it broke me a little more every time.
So, now we stand at a crossroads and I don’t know where the path leads from here.

We have the love that most only dream of, but that’s been lost a little as we fought to keep going forward.
I don’t have any answers other than that I know I love you and I couldn’t make it work.

I’d fallen to my knees, drained as the struggle of carrying us both threatened to tear me apart..
But I’m rising again and finally remembering my own strength,
A little more every day, a little braver each time.
I know now I can’t save you or fix you- only you can do what needs to be done to make yourself happy.
So, as I stand in front of you, hand outstretched, the choice is yours to make.
Is our love worth fighting for, or does this chapter close our story?
I know we will do what’s best for both of us, just always know that I did all I could for love, for us.
If I have to walk away, I’ll always do it knowing I gave it my all.
In the end, that’s all we can really do.
Live, laugh, and love till we can’t anymore.

I believe in you,

I know we can emerge from this battle stronger, wiser, and closer.
What’s meant to be will always find a way,
Through the storms, I know we can make it, through
Now more than ever, I truly believe.

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You Forgot to Tell Me, Mama

Photo courtesy of author

Mama you forgot to tell me how hard it was.

You forgot to mention how those sweet little sticky faces grow up to get in sticky situations.

You forgot to tell me the battles they will face.

You didn’t mention how far my heart would drop when I heard my child was struggling.

You failed to tell me
about the lump in my throat when I heard my child was getting divorced.

You didn’t even mention my eyes; that they would cry a thousand tears when I didn’t know where my son was.

You didn’t tell me Mama.

You didn’t tell me what to do when I’m in my warm bed at night, my belly full, wondering how much weight my boy has lost this week or when he last ate a meal.

You must have missed the part when the phone call from the jail came. You didn’t tell me what to say to “Incoming call from a facility to house your child that obviously can’t control himself- do you accept the charges?”

No I don’t accept! I don’t accept that my little blonde haired boy who loved dump trucks, and dirt bikes and playing tricks on his sister; who loved to go fishing and camping and finding little baby frogs in the pond; is now locked up in a freezing cold cement cell.
I don’t accept that he says they only turn on the heat every few hours when a visitor or vendor comes by.

I don’t accept it because I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

I don’t even know if that God you talked about so much exists Mama. Because it seems like HE has forsaken me.

When I’m driving to work, I cry out to Him, the tears so thick, I can’t even see anymore. I beg and beg for this pain to stop. For my little family to be healed again. You didn’t tell me what to do then.

You didn’t tell me what to say when people ask “How are you?” “Fine” seems so ridiculously false.

Mama, I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m trying so hard to remember those simpler times.

The carefree days you told me about. The cotton candy at the fair and taffy down at the 5 and dime store.

You playing “kick the can” and swimming in the creek.

Photo by Shorpy.com

I’ll bet you never thought that sixty years later your youngest daughter would be asking you for answers to an unknown problem.

You loved my boy. The night he came home from the hospital you stayed up with him so I could rest & so he “wouldn’t choke”. If he did, you would always ” raise his left arm”. An old wives tale I suppose.

But it worked.
Maybe I could try something like that now.

Anything.

Anything you tell me to do Mama, I’ll try.

I know you did the best you could, I only wish you were here to help me again.

Maybe you could do something from heaven.
Can you start a prayer circle there? Do you guys pray?

Oh Mama.

I wish you would have told me that my heart never seems to heal. I wish I would have known the pain you felt when you lost your boy.

I wish I could have comforted you more.

Sometimes I get a whiff of your hair spray. Or Wrigley’s spearmint gum. Or the lilac bush we had in the yard.

It sends me back.
To when I thought my worst day was not getting a part in the school play.

Oh how life changes Mama.

Come to think of it, you did teach me how to deal with life. You made soup out of nothing, and mended clothes over and over. You put bread wraps inside my boots to keep the snow out. You marched to the school to stand up for me when I couldn’t.

You cleaned my house when I had my babies. You watched them so I could work night after night even as you were getting old.

You fixed cuts with that stingy red medicine.
You told me to stop yelling at my kids so much.

I realize now that you had the answers all along Mama!

It’s LOVE!

You did LOVE.
You were LOVE.
And you taught me how to love.

Thank you Mama.
Rest in paradise…..I’ll carry on from here.

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Love

That one day, that day you felt warm sweet love bursting out of your heart with such full velocity that you thought it would burst into pieces.

Another day you felt so much pain tightening into every vessel in your heart that you knew it would implode and kill you on the spot.

Then there’s the day you cried so many tears that the thought of joy and happiness was a distant memory never to meet your fractured heart again.

You became numb.

Neutral. Closed off to the possibility of either – or.

Autopilot. Apathetic. Numb.

What’s a heart to do?

Matt Kahn, my favorite (& only) spiritual guru; stated in His Video Loving Fearlessly:

If life is going to bring you something greater than you’ve ever imagined, it would begin with life NOT giving you what you wanted. So if you had something you wanted, and now you find yourself not, the only reason could be that life is making what you wanted disappear, so that something you couldn’t even imagine- could enter…..

How many times has this happened? You thought you would never recover from the pain but then someday, somewhere you look back and think, “Wow I’m sooooo glad I didn’t get what I wanted.”

Life is about balance.

Pain and joy.

Matt teaches extensively about self love. I know it’s the new pop-psychology theme of the year; but he shows exactly how to do it.

With phrases of “Loving What Arises” he teaches how to ask your higher self to help you bridge the gap from who you are and where you want to be.

So if you hate yourself, “love the one who can’t seem to love their selves”.

It sounds impossible, but if you are constantly accepting your every feeling to move you closer to where you want to be in terms of more loving, caring, more proactive, or strong; then it doesn’t seem so far away.

As you move toward self-acceptance, self love follows, then you are less likely to look to others to provide your happiness & worth.

This video is a great start on self-love.

So as this Valentine’s Day comes to a close, may we use the next 365 days to give ourselves the love & acceptance we so desperately search for in others.♥

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Wнy Don’т We Sneeze Wнile Sleeping?

I know, I know. You’ve probly never even thought about it. But I have. Cuz see, as a woman, there’s an interesting phenomenon that happens when we sit down to pluck our eyebrows.

We sneeze.

It’s strange, but true. So years ago when Google became a “thing” – yes, I’m THAT old- 👵, I looked it up. Yup just as I thought. The trigeminal nerve runs above the nose & eyebrows. 

When you irritate the skin around there, it stimulates that nerve. Into action or reaction. I am a nurse so I had to learn & memorize all those nerve things. But today I woke up and wondered why ( or if I actually do ) I don’t sneeze at night.

Apparently its for our own protection. “Even if an insect crawled across your nose you wouldn’t sneeze because those muscles are paralyzed while in REM sleep”.

That’s what  THIS says anyway.

Usually we don’t notice or question it. Until it’s something that we are driving our selves crazy wondering why we can’t get it.

I’m sure you have many stories of “I’m sure glad I didn’t get what I wanted back then”. I have a few. The biggest one was when I was 16 and pregnant living in small town America. I didn’t have much of a support system & it’s not like I could google “what to do when you find out you’re pregnant and you’re a poor, shy, naive girl from the sticks”

The best “solution” when I realized “oh my God I’m a statistic now” seemed to be this scary thing called abortion.

Don’t worry, this isn’t an argument for or against abortion, or to pluck.or not to pluck ( aka wax or bush brows- remember Brook Shields?) or even sneezing while asleep.

Its simply a reminder to learn to ᒪEᗩᑎ ᗷᗩᑕK
when you are frustrated at a situation you’re dealing with.

ᒪEᗩᑎIᑎG ᗷᗩᑕK let’s our natural instincts kick in. Leaning back or ‘feeling WITH’ lets us experience our feelings, the good, bad & ugly, then move forward with a decision that’s not wrought in turmoil necessarily, but in determination of the main goal.

That goal might be just to feel better in the moment- without regrets later or to plant seeds of hope for someone else, or to create stronger bonds with this person.

The most important thing is to get yourself to a safe place emotionally – so you can figure out the goal.

Wʜᴇɴ ᴡᴇ ᴏᴘᴇʀᴀᴛᴇ ɪɴ ᴇxᴛʀᴇᴍᴇ ᴇᴍᴏᴛɪᴏɴꜱ ᴡᴇ ᴀʀᴇ ɴᴏᴛ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ᴅᴇᴄɪꜱɪᴏɴ ғᴏʀ ᴏᴜʀ ʙᴇꜱᴛ ʟɪғᴇ.

Making those decisions while in duress leads us to second guess later or even spend years wanting a do- over.

My decision NOT to abort was made more by lack of knowledge & location than the incredible love & bonding that came later to my child.

That child turned out to be my saving grace, early on, as a child raising a child, & later on when my family faced many many challenges that almost broke us in every way possible.

That child was a second mother to my other 4 kids, and a best friend to me. She married, had 4 kids, became a much better nurse then me, even getting her Master’s in nursing.

But back to sneezing.

Not sneezing at night protects us from thrashing around, waking up many times, scratching our eyes out etc.

ᒪEᗩᑎIᑎG ᗷᗩᑕK when in dire situations helps us stop, reflect on what our goal is, and is REACTING with emotion going to help us reach that goal or will it break down the relationship further?

Breathe, sleep, don’t sneeze and ᒪEᗩᑎ ᗷᗩᑕK with ᒪᓍᐺᘿ today🧡

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Just Sit With Me

This reminds me of my mom, she was such an advocate for kids but anyone over 18 or so she determined should just “know better” .. And suddenly extended some sort of judgement or “opinion” bless her heart and rest her soul 🥀

What IS that magical age when we “know better”? And are we even the one to decide?

“If a child were to appear at your door – cold, frightened, alone, and tired from a long journey… If he or she were anxious, heartbroken, raging, and confused… unsure of why they have come here, where God is, whether or not they have been forsaken… Would you refuse entry to the little one? Would you first demand that his fear dissolve, her anxiety be healed, his confusion clarify, or her heart be mended? In your most authoritative spiritual voice, would you urge the little one to first “get over it,” accept everything the way it is, urgently forgive those who have harmed them, or quickly “raise their vibration?” Or would you provide sanctuary and safe passage from a long voyage? A warm, safe, contained temple in which the stories, the feelings, and the images of this one ragingly alive nervous system can be illuminated and held, articulated and metabolized in an environment of open, tender interest, curiosity, and love? Inside this majestic human body the beloved is at work, spinning out worlds of experience which are soaked with intelligence, sacred data, and saturated with both sweet and fierce grace. Things are rarely what they seem here… doorways and portals opening and closing by way of the breath of the divine as it makes its way into form…… as it finds its way into this rare world of time and space… with you as its vessel.- Anne Skinner