Faith, Hope & Vision

2021 started out to be about
👓 ᴠɪsɪᴏɴ 👓. Vision that didn’t happen in 2020. I wanted clarity more than anything. I was wrought in despair at where things were going.

During the year, it evolved to be more about нσρє.

нσρє that my people would feel safe & loved.

нσρє that bonds would be strengthened

нσρє that forgiveness would melt away pain & struggle.

нσρє that effort would override inadequacy.

I hoped beyond hope for those things- even if I didn’t completely understand everything or have clarity.

Miraculously, by the end of the year, I have received all that and more. Every night I thank God for my blessings. I still feel somewhat in awe at the goodness. I can hardly believe the miracles. True miracles that have happened in my family. Hearts burrowed in resentment were opened wide with love, if even for a day. Things evolved into the absolute best possible scenario. Step by step moving forward with positivity. But as usual, everything’s not perfect.

I still struggle with letting go. Letting go of the outcomes, and letting go of trying to control people.

I struggle with peace. Feeling peace in all things. Feeling peace amid chaos. There are times I don’t want to go on. The battle seems too big. My imagination gets the best of me or I see that blatant truth that some things will never change, and it pains my soul. I question what the point is.

These are times when I have to turn to music to calm myself. This one feels peaceful and helps me not feel alone.

I don’t know how long I have left on this earth. I don’t know what will happen in the time I have left. I only hope I’ve done enough good to be remembered by. As I read this quote by Mr Rogers, I know that not only do I need to accept others as they are, I need to extend that same love to myself too.

When all seems lost, when emotions are at their peak, when expectations turn into dust in the wind, we still have this little thing called ᖴᗩITᕼ.
ᖴᗩITᕼ that people are basically good.
ᖴᗩITᕼ that people are always doing the best they can at the time.
ᖴᗩITᕼ that things will always work out the best way they need to.
& Having ᖴᗩITᕼ that ᒪOᐯE will always prevail-if we let it.
L.O.V.E.
Letting Others
Voluntarily Evolve.

Happy Thanksgiving

I walked up to the counter at the convenience store with my drink to purchase. “Good morning! anything fun planned for today?” The cheery clerk said to me, his smile evident even under his big black mask. “He would have to ask today”. I thought.

I stammered and stalled a bit.

“No, not really”. I lied.

My stomach dropped in sadness. Sadness that I couldn’t actually say what I was doing.

Sadness that I couldn’t leap for joy and tell everyone what this day represented. Sadness that I couldn’t be happy and have everyone accept that happiness.

“Oh well, it’s probably for the best”. I thought as I walked out of the store. I need to conserve my energy for the day. I don’t need to waste it on explaining and justifying my happiness.

You see, I was on my way to rehab to pick up my son. The last few months had been a much-needed break from his addiction journey. This wasn’t a usual occurrence. Exactly 2 years ago to the day, he was headed to the airport to go to his first rehab in Kentucky. Two years ago this morning, we had a family intervention in the middle of a raging snowstorm. 2 years ago today, my son chose to not run away and go back to his life of drugs. He flew across the country with people he didn’t know and tried his best to battle his disease. His experience at that time lasted about 76 days. It was a miracle. And today is too.

Five weeks in jail, 2 months in rehab, all culminated to today. He was being released to sober living. With all the nervousness of the event, and the need to keep my excitement reined in; it was hard to feel relaxed and give thanks for it all. But I needed to. I just could not be attached to the outcome. I had done everything possible to help my son succeed. But the real work was on him. He’s the one that has to fight the demons. He’s the one that has to make responsible choices. He’s the one that can save himself. Not the store clerk. Not my family. Not me. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not his sober coach, probation officer, or judge.

How to explain all this to the casual person? Impossible. Yet if I said “My son is graduating from the University”, it would need no explanation. It would just be wonderful. Congratulations would be thrown around like confetti. For a rehab graduation, I can just hear the tongue in cheek

“Well…. alrighty then- congratulations”. As if it’s an afterthought.

It’s ok though. Those other people don’t have to live in my head or love my family or pay my bills. In reality, I will probably never see that clerk again. What matters is that my people feel loved. That my God calms my fears.

It’s as-if he was gone away to the university anyway. I didn’t see him for 9 months then for 16 months. Four years of struggle and strife. Not being at family events. In and out of jail. Worry after worry. He received the degree. The degree of grit. Persistence – even if it was in the wrong arena, he still survived incredible odds. He deserves an award of:

‘Most Likely to Get in Over His head and Come out with Valuable Lessons to Share’-

From the college of real life addiction in every city, America.

The day turned out great, despite the condition of the old sober living we took him to. After trying to change it- but lacking the funds; and going shopping to get him some supplies, I dropped him off at the door. At the end of this momentous day- he said, “Mom, it’s ok, it’s better than running and hiding like I have been”. I made sure to compliment and encourage him. I was so proud. I sent him this text later:

I just want to tell you how amazing you are. 
You're my hero. For how resilient you are, yet so kind and caring

None of this can be easy. Being tossed around & told what to do, but you are a champion. A warrior.
I'm so grateful I get to be your mom and I'm grateful that I get to see you grow in this journey. ... I mean you are still the same old boy but I love that I have that back.
🖤💯🖤

Thankful By Choice

Every single day I have a choice. I can choose to see what I want to see.

Every day for over a year this truck parked directly in front of the door that goes into the elevators at my work. It was blocking the door for 💯’s of other people even when there are 💯’s of other parking spaces. Every day I would get irritated at why they couldn’t they see how far forward they were. None of the other 4 parking garage floors had a car in front of the door.

I even took pictures of it and would post them on my Facebook page to show how irritated I was. Now, 4 years later; it’s completely insignificant. In fact, it seems ridiculous that I wasted the energy on it.

I mean, It helps that I don’t have to walk by it everyday too. But I also have had much larger problems to deal with. When you start having to worry about life or death matters, things like trucks and material items don’t even compare.

These days, I have learned I can choose to notice how self-serving people are.

When an elevator door opens, the people waiting to get on immediately head in with no regard to those getting out- paying no attention to this “societal “rule. Then there’s traffic. Everyone just trying to meet their needs. In a fast and dangerous way- I might add.

The choice to be irritated all day long is ours. Or we can choose to give people the benefit of the doubt EVEN under “suspicion LOOKING circumstances”. Matt Kahn proposes that even if the things that bother you weren’t there you would still feel the same. Unless you resolve the internal discontent. It’s hard to imagine that getting what we want wouldn’t make us happy, but we see it over and over again. Celebrities, politicians. Even people we know.

"If your life were any different, you'd feel exactly the same. This is the irony of life's eternal perfection. Once you no longer rely on outside circumstances, in order to feel good, or even require feeling good, in order to be relaxed and open, something far greater than the tracking of ups, downs, gains and losses awakens within you. This is the heart of awakening.-
Matt Kahn , Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution That Begins with You

We only have control of our own mind and reactions.

Things that are OUT of our control change can so quickly. We have a choice in these matters too but it should be easier in the other mundane, albeit irritating things.

It seems reasonable that the things that aren’t so much of a choice, such as a sick baby, or a job loss, or unexpected expensive car problems- are going to happen regardless.

This Thanksgiving week I’m going try to notice blessings. At least that person driving the truck and parking it to inconvenience others- doesn’t have car problems that day. At least they have a nice truck.

Or that those people walking into the elevator without letting others off- can walk that day. They are not stuck in a hospital learning how to walk again for whatever reason.

This week is HUGE for me anyway. 2 years of pleading, cajoling, begging, praying & hoping for is actually happening today. It should be a huge party. A celebration of life living and surviving. A pat on the back of beating one giant lap of this journey.

My son graduates rehab today. Its a huge feat. It’s not something that he has repeatedly done in his addiction experience, like some. This is only the second time. So it’s doubly, triply worth celebrating. Yet it feels on the outside like I can’t be happy.

The worry and stress out about what could go wrong. The living conditions he’s going into are worry some. The need to control his experience and do it my way. Or insisting that I know what’s best for another human. I get mad when someone else appears to know what I should do, yet I still want to control others thoughts and actions in order to make me feel better about the process.

I could continue these thoughts. I could join everyone else in not believing he can do it. I can participate in being nervous every second and judging every moment. Or, I can honor my son’s journey and give it to God. I can relish in the fact that I have had my son back for the last 3 months. In addiction, you can never get too comfortable. You have to just embrace every moment of positive interaction you can. I have even relished the negative moments because at least my son dares tell me his fears and struggles. He feels intense pressure to perform a perfect recovery. He feels financial pressure to pick up where he left off exactly 3 yrs ago. He has to show he can follow life’s rules again almost perfectly. This is with an insidious cunning disease that is never linear on his back always waiting to pounce.

Just for today, I’m going to enjoy and embrace my blessings. Just for today, I’m going to try to be an example of love. Just for today, I’m going to honor my fears along with everyone else’s.

Camping Freely

What does camping freely mean? Whatever it is, I was determined to do it, as I went on a quick camping trip in the deep mountains of Idaho last weekend. I wanted freedom. From stress, expectations, and the emotional draining of my work.

As I drove from the sun-filtered valley to the frosted backcountry, I wondered why people do this. Why do they spend days, weeks, and hundreds of dollars to “rough it?”

If it’s to “get away from it all”, why do we insist on taking most of IT with us sometimes? All for the feeling of leaving it all behind.

People spend hundreds on camping and thousands on the equipment to achieve that feeling. I remember when I first started listening to Tony Robbins, he talked about one of the basic needs of everyone is variation. We need variety in our lives to combat boredom.

  • 1. Certainty: assurance you can avoid pain and gain pleasure
  • 2. Uncertainty/Variety: the need for the unknown, change, new stimuli
  • 3. Significance: feeling unique, important, special or needed
  • 4. Connection/Love: a strong feeling of closeness or union with someone or something
  • 5. Growth: an expansion of capacity, capability or understanding
  • 6. Contribution: a sense of service and focus on helping, giving to and supporting others- Tony Robbins

Camping provides the variation and may increase connection to actual humans without technology. If we allow it to.

Whether camping, glamping, homeless or vacationing- people are still trying to meet their daily physical and emotional needs. In the safety of home, the physical needs are a bit easier; but take away a few comforts and it gets a little harder. That’s why so much of our vacation time is spent searching down food, and supplies- things we forgot.

I didn’t have any cell service on my camping trip and with my many kids and grandkids; and a son in rehab; I made the trip down the road every morning to get service to make sure everyone was ok. Other than that, it was nice to be free.

The second day I came down with a kidney infection. With no cranberry juice within 40 miles, I had only water to treat it. I realized that no matter what our plans there will always be new needs that arise. That’s why trusting in a higher power works for many people. But what it really did was force me to take care of myself. I spent the mornings sleeping and the afternoons reading.

As we rode around in the soon to be snow-covered ground; with my mind not cluttered up with the need to check social media or my blog for viewers; my thoughts were FREE to just roam. Like the moose we saw trudging through the trees, my heavy weights of worry I had been carrying were like the backdrop of a silent movie- still there but non-threatening, not all-consuming.

Everyone says nature is a grounder. It brings us back to center. It reduces the clutter in our mind because we have less obligations to worry about and more time to think about what matters. To the moose, all that mattered was getting food and water and staying alive. Even though we are not cavemen anymore, we really do spend our days meeting our needs.

My trip turned out to be a nice breather. We left a day early due to impending snow. Back into the groove of life where problems and worries remain but I had a little bit of heightened energy to face them. That’s what self- care does. Give’s our bodies time to catch up with our minds.

Here’s some pics from this trip and here’s my last one, if you missed it. Happy camping!

🏕️ 🏞🔦 ⛺ 🐂🦌🐻🌄🌌👨‍👩‍👦‍👦

Mind Habits

I know I’ve posted a lot about addiction being about ingrained habits/coping skills that make it difficult to break free from.

Daily habits are how we build a life we want. I am always noticing how habitual my every move is in my house, especially my night and morning routine.

We don’t realize the safety this routine provides us.

Those who don’t have the comfort of those rituals miss out on the benefits that they provide us in life.

As my son has been mostly unhoused and couch surfing the last 2 years, I have felt guilty at times in having the luxury of my safety rituals and habits.

Well-meaning people would say, he chose his life- you choose yours.
But that doesn’t mean I can just turn off my feelings.

It must be a mom thing.
We are nurturers.
Each time I leave a stressful workday and I’m in the comfort and safety of my car where I can completely relax from my day; I feel relieved- then sad, that my son doesn’t have that.

Yes, I know it’s the consequences of his actions- but that doesn’t stop a mom from feeling guilt, or sadness. We always want our row of ducklings doing ok and “in a row” and safe.

That’s why it’s such a mix of emotions when they are in jail. Yes, technically they are getting fed and have a bed; but the other traumatizing parts of jail are not conducive to healing.

The best part of the jail, in my opinion, is the daily routine and habits that they can start again. I think it helps get the brain back to sleeping at night and eating on time.

As recovery advocate-Michael Lasday states:

We cannot arrest our way out of this. We have to go way to the front end of why and how it starts, ( prevention of people WANTING) harm reduction in the middle and better & quicker treatment on the end. 

"Every increase in criminalization creates more scarcity, more demand, more reward and incentivized increasingly potent substances.

This is how we got here in the first place, not how we get out" -Mchael Lasday

I’m so grateful my son is out of there. But it’s still hard to not think (& worry) of the past and future. Each day is a gift.

The last 90 days have been an entire mountain of weight lifted off my shoulders. I have actually dared breathe. I have laughed at work and started looking at other people as real people again. I’m coming out of my Tunnel vision of turmoil. It felt good. Really good.

Then, just as my son is now experiencing, the realities of this life hit me.

He was so discouraged last night when he realized that others were still the same people as when he went into addiction.

He realized that he was the one expected to make all the changes and just get it right this time.

He realized that the bed he made for himself was still blaring bright white and being shoved down his throat. He was told by his old boss that he CAN’T even think of screwing up if he gives him another chance. My son said he feared he may never get to see his kids again just for gatekeeper reasons.

Do you know what pressure that puts on people? To start again with nothing. And not make any mistakes with a still-healing brain.

He will have to deal with it, I know. But my joy and gratefulness are being overshadowed by the realities of the world.

Depression and pain are real.

Having the stability and normalcy of the world was something I took for granted while I was fighting knee-deep in the arena of addiction.

Now that I have the garden hose out and washing off the muck, I see the world for what it has become.

I forge ahead not knowing if it’s really worth the effort only to be slammed down again.

The World seems so harsh.

Was I so buried in a different pain the last few years, that I didn’t see how harsh it was?

After my son’s first detox (at home). I remember showing him Chanda’s video about taking the drugs away leaving this raw core that doesn’t know how to deal with life without substances.
I think that’s where my son is at today.
And I feel oddly the same.

Even though I’ve never so much as smoked pot.

I still feel raw, afraid. Sad.

A grown woman.
Who am I to even complain?
🥀

As I posted my worries on my Facebook page, I received a great response from one of the Moms.

Truth is hard, change is hard, depression, addiction and we can go on & on about life's challenges.  Gratefulness &  mindfulness is what we need to practice because if we don't focus on here &now we are wasting time  on thinking past & future. If we  focus on what we do today - love others, do our best, and fuck the rest maybe life won't be so hard. Love you and thx for sharing your heart. Sending all of us parents who have to live without our beautiful children light love strength and healing hugs. 💕✨🙏✨💕 Forever Matthew's Mom😇- Debra Schmidt

It made me snap back into the present.

My son is A.L.I.V.E !

I have spent 2 years writing a book of my fears of him dying and he’s STILL ALIVE, yet I’m complaining! I

I must focus on now. I can’t worry about when he gets out of rehab. Or that he’s not humble enough. Or that he still thinks he has all the answers.

Maybe he does.

Who am I?

Gratefulness and mindfulness.

How can I do what that smart Mama suggested? Of course- meditation. Yoga. Affirmations. Any others?

This morning I sit in my living room and try to focus on NOW, just letting gratefulness enter my soul- without being forced with such thoughts of

I SHOULD be grateful.

I SHOULD be positive.

There ARE NO SHOULDS!

It is what it is in this moment. And in this moment I choose peace. Joy. Gratefulness. I looked around my tiny condo and just exhaled.

I relished in my things that make me happy to look at.

Even though they are material things -they are what’s in front of me right now and that’s really all we have.

This is how I start my mindfulness journey. I hope you enjoy.

Abstinence Can Kill

With contribution by Carolyn Ridout Stewart
The ropes course at JourneyPure.Credit…Ilana Panich-Linsman for The New York Times

Before addiction barged its ugly lying-two-faced head into my family, I didn’t know the difference between methamphetamine and methadone. Sure, being a nurse, when someone was “on meth” I knew it was the former. But as methadone started popping up as an alternative to opioids, I wondered how replacing one drug for another could possibly be better.

This subject sparks as big of a debate as the ‘disease versus choice’ argument for addiction.

Luckily there’s a movement to advocate for people with substance use disorder who are unable to suddenly go cold turkey off of years of substance use.

This article, which highlights one treatment center in Tennessee, called JourneyPure, explores all sides of the debate including the premise that medication-assisted treatment is just giving control of the billion-dollar opioid crisis back to pharmaceutical companies.

This was exactly my thoughts when I first started looking into treatment for my son’s substance use disorder.

Did I trust “the industry” that helped perpetuate my sons descent into this darkness? But what is the alternative? Cold Turkey? 

One argument in the article states:

“It’s true that if medications became the main form of addiction treatment, the pharmaceutical industry would benefit — an outrageous outcome, critics of the approach believe, given the industry’s role in creating the opioid epidemic.”

“There’s a small group who will probably need to be on M.A.T. for the rest of their lives,” said Mr. MacMaster, who quit drugs and alcohol 30 years ago, mostly through 12-step programs. “But everybody in this room knows drug-free recovery is really the gold standard.”

Shannon Siedzik came to JourneyPure from New Jersey to be treated for heroin addiction. She said she wasn’t interested in medication because she’d had a previous reaction to buprenorphine.
Shannon Siedzik came to JourneyPure from New Jersey to be treated for heroin addiction. She said she wasn’t interested in medication because she’d had a previous reaction to buprenorphine.Credit…Ilana Panich-Linsman for The New York Times

He stated that, as a state official, he had seen people enter the state’s drug court programs on medication, only to be forced by a judge to go off it and pursue abstinence-based treatment.

Faces and Voices of Recovery shows how to advocate for yourself if this happens

“These people were vulnerable, at high risk of overdosing and relapse,” he said. “We have to keep as many people alive as we can.”

There are many cases of deaths in jail cells due to withdrawal symptoms not being taken seriously.

In Kentucky, a woman Gave birth alone, because jail employees believed “she was distraught due to coming off drugs.”

So who is the judge and jury for those of our society who are struggling with obvious brain disorder which affects their rational thinking? Although autonomy and self direction are paramount to a persons success in recovery; they also need a thorough medical evaluation in order to place them in the best position for success.

“I am a clinician. The brain, sadly, knows what it wants. It too often overrides one’s capacity to set limits or to use mind over matter. Take sugar as an example. The vast majority of Americans are literally addicted to sugar. It’s the rare individual, indeed, who can be fully abstinent from sugar. Individuals with diabetes enjoy sugar free substitutes that allow them to overcome the terrible sense of sugar deprivation. If an infant were to go a lifetime WITHOUT sugar, that individual could live his or her life happily without sugar. Sadly, in the US, sugar is in almost everything we eat. Our brains learn to want, TO “NEED” sugar from an early age. Our government puts corn syrup (very high sugar content ) in almost all processed foods. Our citizens suffer from a 70% obesity rate from sugar and many are dying because of this sugar by-product. All that being said, individuals often commence opioid use innocently either as youthful experimentation or as a physician-prescribed drug for pain. I have a few patients with opioid use disorders started because of a sports injury in high school.

Opioid use disorders are informed by the brain’s powerful, cruel, unrelenting biochemical mandate: GIVE ME OPIOIDS OR SUFFER!

The vast majority of people cannot fight back against the brain’s totalitarian control. Think of being lost in the desert without water. The brain knows what it wants!

MAT: Medication Assisted Treatment saves lives. Methadone and Suboxone gratify the bullying brain and permit the individual to focus on his or her normal life requirements, family, employment, school etc. Without MAT, the individual is locked in an unending, all-encompassing search for opioids to satisfy the brain.

Abstinence is killing our children.

AA is evolving. My son uses Suboxone and is welcome in some AA meetings.” –Caroline Ridout Stewart, LCSW, harm reduction therapist.

As the argument goes back and forth between the risks of going cold turkey and replacing the dangerous needle users of un-regulated street drugs with a safer option; one fact remains clear to me:

A judge, parole officer, jail warden, or any other person in charge of a person with substance use disorder; should not be the one making medical decisions on someone’s long-term or even short-term recovery.

Every single person’s substance use is different, as is every person’s recovery model. Most of them have used substances to self-medicate for years, so yes their opinion may be a bit skewed. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a say in what treatment plan they are most likely to follow, given their own unique circumstances.

For my struggling son, I would give anything if he was off of everything and leading as functional “normal” life as possible. But the reality is, he has been through years of trauma in the drug world while abusing his body with risky behaviors. However, he is still human and deserves to have a choice on living a healthy life again.

Hope, is what every human relies on and should be given- freely without judgment.

Habits & Healing

While spending some time with my grand kids this weekend, the two eldest, 9 and 10; were playing in the sand on top of a mountain no less! (we live in an amazing place). As they were raking it and molding it, they kept saying “This is so satisfying!”

Our life is comprised of thousands of daily habits which we do without even thinking about them.  It’s these daily habits that determine where we end up- sometimes without us even knowing it. These ingrained daily habits keep us feeling safe and secure and somewhat connected or grounded in order to battle the things outside which we can’t control.

Being so ‘human’ requires us to constantly reach for a state of well-being that feels good to us in order to achieve that safety.  It is sometimes difficult to get out of the negative patterns that we developed just to feel ok.

There are many programs or rituals that keep us in sync to being in our healthiest state. Mel Robbins became famous with the 5 seconds in the morning routine seen here in my previous post.

I recently received this email from her that goes along the same concept as Tacos!

“Life Hack I’m Using 

Here’s a super cool life hack backed by science that will help you make your new habits stick — and it involves TACOS 🌮! Yes, you read that right. Forget willpower and pass the guacamole. To make a new habit stick you need a reward. 

Here’s why this works…every habit has three parts: a trigger, the pattern you repeat, and a reward. The reward is the MOST important part of changing a habit.

My reward for exercising is a breakfast taco. Once you have the reward in place, here’s the freaky part: Your brain won’t even think about what you need to do (exercise), instead tacos will just pop into your head randomly. 

Here’s how I’ve been using this hack: when the alarm rings at 5:30am (trigger “it’s time to exercise”) — tacos immediately pop into my mind. When I head to the gym to work out (new habit) — tacos.

When I am dripping in sweat and hyperventilating during squats (new habit) — my mind is all about the tacos. And when class is over, I walk down the block and get that reward — a King David Taco. BOOM 💥 the exercise habit is locked and loaded. 

Pick a reward and give it a try. Tag me on social when you do. It’s weird how well it works”.- Mel Robbins

Dr Judson Brewer has a seemingly simple solution to breaking a habit in this Ted Talk. He says it’s all about triggers and rewards:

Seeing what we get from our habits helps us understand them at a deeper level — to know it in our bones so we don’t have to force ourselves to hold back or restrain ourselves from behavior. We’re just less interested in doing it in the first place.

As we move past the daily mundane habits and onto more fulfilling things.  Think of the benefits and satisfaction of cleaning out your fridge, or going to the car wash.

The feeling that ‘s͙o͙m͙e͙t͙h͙i͙n͙g͙ i͙s͙ g͙e͙t͙t͙i͙n͙g͙ d͙o͙n͙e͙ a͙n͙d͙
y͙o͙u͙ a͙r͙e͙ a͙c͙t͙u͙a͙l͙l͙y͙ b͙e͙i͙n͙g͙ p͙r͙o͙d͙u͙c͙t͙i͙v͙e͙’ is so rewarding- temporarily. Until we need something else to fulfill us.

It’s all part of purpose, motivation and the reward system of the midbrain as shown here:

The reward pathway (deep orange) is activated when a
person receives positive reinforcement for certain behaviors (“reward”). This area is hijacked with massive amounts of dopamine when a person takes an addictive drug.

Setting new habits requires discipline and persistence. Therapist aide has a Worksheet to help achieve that. It basically follows the taco imagery from Mel:

  • Start with small changes.
  • Tie habits to other activities.
  • Celebrate your successes.

Healing & Cleansing

If you want to go a little deeper than tacos and perhaps clear your brain body first then add tacos, here’s a great exercise from my friend Mirna Trpkova.

“The techniques for Cleansing the Energy around the Physical Mind (Body) is to this day the most Powerful Self-Perseverance Method existing. Intuitively, we all know where the Stuck (Blocked) Energy in our Body is.

A simple scan/check-in via standing or lying flat on the floor will do it.

Giving one’s Conscious Mind attention to the place in our Body which needs it most is the First and most important Move.

Not much needs be done afterwards if one wishes to proceed Passive.

What can be done, though, is borrowing from the rest of our body, and giving unconditional support to the spot which needs it most.

Doesn’t this sound {like} the Analogy of the more Blessed giving to the more Unfortunate thus balancing out the scale of the Yin and the Yang… Not that we are to easily tell which one is the Blessed and which to be the Unfortunate one(!).

Much of life’s fulfilment lies within the Struggle. Until one gets addicted to it.

Not an easy Addiction to let go of.

Perhaps the hardest one of all.

Going back to the initial thought which should help tie it all in a knot…

Registering the Blocked Energetic Points in our Physical Body (Mind) will allow us to have more Free-Flow Creativity which is vital for giving one’s purpose to be awaken each and every day.

And, to overcome addictions such as “living a Struggle” and feeling “Unworthy” in order to tune in to Life’s Genuine and Beyond Good and Evil ways of balancing that sacred scale we all stand on…”- Mirna Trpkova

Ah, the old “upper limit theory” from Gay Hendricks. I love that stuff. Thinking (unconsciously) that we belong in a certain situation because we don’t deserve anything better.

Matt Licata has an excellent video on how to cope when life didn’t quite go as planned as far as Health, relationships, and career. He explains how healing from these traumas will push you toward better things. If that video doesn’t work you may need to enter your email address here.

The important thing is that we are constantly refreshing and cleansing out all areas of our life, like shaking our rugs out at home. This process of cleaning and creating space is so important if we want to receive inspiration and ideas to move forward in our lives.

Clearing Out The Tears

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Art-By Sandra Salana

After many years of many tears, this picture struck my heart today. It so closely resembles my feelings of the last few years. Dark tears of grief- of what paths my son had gone down. The inability to “fix” him. Seeing the pain in others as they coped with the loss of a person still physically here.

Lately though, I have actually been able to breathe- breathing in sweet gratitude for so many things. I need to give credit where credit is due.

My window washers.

My window washers who are always trying to clean up my tears.

A window washer

What do they do? With their buckets of fresh water and wands of hope; They go to great lengths and danger to give us clarity. With almost one swipe they can change our perception. Remember the dirty window story?

https://rememberthosewithoutadvantages.weebly.com/perspective.html

My story isn’t about others’ dirty laundry though. It’s about helpers.

I’ve had many window washers in my life, especially in the last 3 years.

The variety of window washer angels who willingly scrape those embedded tears from my dark stained eyes.

Firstly, My long-lost but reunited God. A God who, even as I was pouring out my tears of my long-lost son to him, gently washed them away speaking, “lay him at my feet”.

There are my grandkid window washers, who with their innocent smiles and bright laughing eyes pull me into their world. Taking me to baseball games, parks, hiking. Showing me the beauty of their world.

My daughter, who will ask me, “what do you need?” on those days when my sadness envelops me like a dark storm cloud. She might as well be whipping out her magic window washer to show me that I matter and that I deserve to feel good again. Even if only for a day. “What’s your plan?” She always asks. “Plan? I Plan to sit here in my misery.”

Then there’s my dear husband-the stagehand that never gets thanked. He pulls out his window washer and works his magic. When I need a back rub, a sounding board, or silence. Even if he doesn’t understand my undying devotion; he supports me over and over.

So yes, this picture strikes me. The sheer size of my problems in this picture, as I see them-is telling. According to my leaky saddened eyes, my world is a giant. My problems were so large, they seemed insurmountable. All the people trying to console me.

Until I declared my son healed. 

He wasn’t yet. He was actually in jail. He was frustrated and then suicidal. After they put him on suicide watch, he gradually started to feel better.

Now my son is 103 days substance-free! I want to shout it to the rooftops. It’s everything I dreamed of the last few years and more. But my studies have shown me that it’s not wise to be so sure. Relapse is common and with the contaminated drug supply, they are often deadly.

So I bask in silence. I let a smile cross my lips in occasion. I can almost wholeheartedly enjoy an activity or event, knowing my son is safe and being productive on his healing. He told me excitedly the other day:

“I’m such a better person than I was before my addiction”

I have to wonder, am I?

Did those saddened tears of disappointment do some good for me? Did I learn to love unconditionally? Not just the addicted one, but those who exiled him from their life?

Did I learn that my life matters, no matter what tragedy goes on around me?

Do I make even small improvements that help me feel better about my environment? Just yesterday I organized my desk display from chaos to cuteness.

But I also went to the doctor yesterday for the first time in 3 years and saw how much I weigh. I was shocked, to say the least. I now need a window washer to wipe away that problem.

Baby steps

Depression, Faith, Hope

If there’s one thing I’ve learned the last few years, is it’s ok to not know.

It’s ok to not know what the future holds. It’s ok to not have everything planned out. It’s ok to not know what the world will look like next year. I’m learning to trust by faith.

Faith over hope.

As I stated in this post, there’s a difference. In the process of just trusting, we may have some depression or sadness. As I listened to my audible tape “Care of the soul” on my way up to a camping trip yesterday, I listened with curiosity as he describes depression as a needed thing sometimes. It gives that space to reflect, to heal, to process. We don’t always have to live in this happy positive unauthentic state.

Anyone who’s experienced a “Dark night of the Soul” knows that you ultimately come out a better person. After all:

You can't know light without experiencing the dark. 
Notice dark night of the soul is about confronting of your own ego story and resistance to darkness. Facing the inner darkness is not about becoming evil. It is not an impossible task, cannot overwhelm or even harm what is real. It’s about accepting and integrating all of you. Inner darkness is the fear of seeing something you do not want to see, something that shakes up your conditioned understanding of the world and how it works. It is also the fear of feeling something you do not want to feel. Humans are taught by society how to hide these aspects of self. We are taught fear is a weakness. So we are taught to deny or avoid what evokes discomfort, taught to focus attention on things that feel good and overlook corruption, social-cultural mistreatment, abuse, exploitation of living creatures, Earth and human beings and energetic brainwashing of beliefs we come to hold. Many humans think they can run from their inner darkness. This is what is projected into the external world and what is arising to the surface as you are ready to acknowledge it and see things as they are. Some people go to great lengths to do all kinds of good deeds in effort to erase, counterbalance, or avoid recognizing discomfort. Yet, wherever you think you go, here it is. When unconfronted, darkness thrives. It exists when you don’t look at it. This is the nature of the dark. It is absence of light. Just start to turn and look at it, and it is evaporating. In dreams, face what is chasing you. Watch it disappear.” – Liara Covert

There are so many things in my life to be grateful for right now. When the little shadow of fear that lingers ever so strong in the shadows of my soul, starts to sneak up on me; I just have to grab onto my faith.

Faith that everything will work out for the best. I will have enough money to meet my needs. I will have a job. My kids will be ok. My grandkids will make it in their own way.

I am enough and I have enough- always.

By acknowledging what drives my depression or my worry ( fear) I can hopefully send it on it’s way and leave me in peace.

“Depression is caused by overconsumption. Overconsumption is caused by obsession. Obsession is caused by fear. Fear is caused by an absence of love. An absence of love is caused by a belief in others. A belief in others is caused by a label called others. A label called others is caused by a need to organize life into some form of understanding. A need to organize life into some form of understanding is caused by an inability to trust life as it is.

By loving the one who doesn’t know how to trust life as it is, the need to organize life into some form of understanding dissolves. As this occurs, a belief in others can be recognized as a belief in a label called others. Beyond the play of labels, a love that knows no other emerges from within you. As love emerges, you are absolved of fear, the tendency to obsess, or the need to over consume, at the rate in which the one who is depressed is embraced with equal respect, support, and heart-centered attention.

As depression is loved as never before, it becomes a vital stage of emptying out. As you empty out, the seed of ego dissolves to create space for the blossoming of consciousness. This allows depression to be a pivotal stage of growth and expansion, instead of something to fight, ignore, or avoid.” – Matt Kahn

What is the Difference Between Faith and Hope?