This is true – even if we are talking to ourselves.
Meeting ourselves where we are.
Two years ago I wrote in my journal:
I wish I was more grateful
I wish I felt more secure
I wish I was more loving
I wish I was less worried
I still wish for most of those things. Truth be told, the last few years have kicked my trash. I am extremely grateful for many things, on the daily…….My God KNOWS.
But it seems to never even out. If it’s not one thing it’s another. I find myself telling my same old story. It’s like groundhog day. If it’s not one child, it’s another. The places and spaces that appear as challenges in my life, seem too unsolvable, especially in the beginning. They stare at me in the face, like a bully on the playground. I seem incapable of what that GUY in the sky thought I could do.
My purpose? Do we ever find it? If it’s to enjoy each day for what it brings, as a wise elderly housekeeper told me years ago; then I’m gonna have to change my story real fast. I’m 54. I find joy in many places but I am not still not sure of my value. Joy seems selfish.
I know life is short. Problems are temporary. They change like a silent old black and white movie. Sometimes I feel like that is my life. It flashes before me without much (valued) effort from me. What effect do I really have on scenes that will play out anyway? Is everyone prone to these lonely thoughts? If you look at their problems, it would seem that way. Everyone just wants to feel relevant. Is relevance real? Is it genuine? Do I need recognition to feel real?
Yes, I know I shouldn’t.
I’m actually the Queen of NOT wanting attention. Don’t give me an award and ask me to speak. God No. I can think of no worse torture.
But, at times, I want to know I made a difference I guess. Don’t we all. Those who are in front of me want that to.
Anger says: “I’m so mad that I can’t get my way and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Sadness says: “It’s so unfair that I can’t get my way.”
Fear says: “I can’t imagine not getting my way.”
Denial says: “My way would be so much better.”
Boredom says: “My way is anything but this.”
Emptiness says: “It seems as if my way is always opposite or different than how things are.”
Acceptance says: “The Universe is always orchestrating life in my highest favor, whether it seems to be going my way or not.”
Peace says: “When my way is put aside, the way is shown.”
Compassion says: “I understand how you feel. I didn’t get my way either.
Joy says: “Everything is always going my way, no matter the details, outcomes, or circumstances.”
Love says: “I embrace the one who needs life to be one way or another and I cherish the one who has no particular way to be as the eternal innocence of all.”
Oneness says: “Even the notions of getting my way or having no way to be are equally unique ways of the Universe playing in form.”
Transcendence says: “All paths lead to the same way.”
Truth says: “I AM the way, the way I AM.”
Matt Kahn
What would love do?
Sit with it.
Sit with you.
Sit with me.
