If there’s one thing I’ve learned the last few years, is it’s ok to not know.
It’s ok to not know what the future holds. It’s ok to not have everything planned out. It’s ok to not know what the world will look like next year. I’m learning to trust by faith.
Faith over hope.
As I stated in this post, there’s a difference. In the process of just trusting, we may have some depression or sadness. As I listened to my audible tape “Care of the soul” on my way up to a camping trip yesterday, I listened with curiosity as he describes depression as a needed thing sometimes. It gives that space to reflect, to heal, to process. We don’t always have to live in this happy positive unauthentic state.
Anyone who’s experienced a “Dark night of the Soul” knows that you ultimately come out a better person. After all:
You can't know light without experiencing the dark.
Notice dark night of the soul is about confronting of your own ego story and resistance to darkness. Facing the inner darkness is not about becoming evil. It is not an impossible task, cannot overwhelm or even harm what is real. It’s about accepting and integrating all of you. Inner darkness is the fear of seeing something you do not want to see, something that shakes up your conditioned understanding of the world and how it works. It is also the fear of feeling something you do not want to feel. Humans are taught by society how to hide these aspects of self. We are taught fear is a weakness. So we are taught to deny or avoid what evokes discomfort, taught to focus attention on things that feel good and overlook corruption, social-cultural mistreatment, abuse, exploitation of living creatures, Earth and human beings and energetic brainwashing of beliefs we come to hold. Many humans think they can run from their inner darkness. This is what is projected into the external world and what is arising to the surface as you are ready to acknowledge it and see things as they are. Some people go to great lengths to do all kinds of good deeds in effort to erase, counterbalance, or avoid recognizing discomfort. Yet, wherever you think you go, here it is. When unconfronted, darkness thrives. It exists when you don’t look at it. This is the nature of the dark. It is absence of light. Just start to turn and look at it, and it is evaporating. In dreams, face what is chasing you. Watch it disappear.” – Liara Covert
There are so many things in my life to be grateful for right now. When the little shadow of fear that lingers ever so strong in the shadows of my soul, starts to sneak up on me; I just have to grab onto my faith.
Faith that everything will work out for the best. I will have enough money to meet my needs. I will have a job. My kids will be ok. My grandkids will make it in their own way.
I am enough and I have enough- always.
By acknowledging what drives my depression or my worry ( fear) I can hopefully send it on it’s way and leave me in peace.
“Depression is caused by overconsumption. Overconsumption is caused by obsession. Obsession is caused by fear. Fear is caused by an absence of love. An absence of love is caused by a belief in others. A belief in others is caused by a label called others. A label called others is caused by a need to organize life into some form of understanding. A need to organize life into some form of understanding is caused by an inability to trust life as it is.
By loving the one who doesn’t know how to trust life as it is, the need to organize life into some form of understanding dissolves. As this occurs, a belief in others can be recognized as a belief in a label called others. Beyond the play of labels, a love that knows no other emerges from within you. As love emerges, you are absolved of fear, the tendency to obsess, or the need to over consume, at the rate in which the one who is depressed is embraced with equal respect, support, and heart-centered attention.
As depression is loved as never before, it becomes a vital stage of emptying out. As you empty out, the seed of ego dissolves to create space for the blossoming of consciousness. This allows depression to be a pivotal stage of growth and expansion, instead of something to fight, ignore, or avoid.” – Matt Kahn
It really does. Because that’s usually how we get hurt or offended or disappointed.
We finally get enough courage to open up and expose ourselves, and BAM we get slammed. Again. Then it takes us twice as long to creak open the treasure box- which is us- and peek out again.
I believe the key is in our expectations. What is our goal? Do we want love, acceptance? Sure, everyone does. By remembering that everyone is not in that safe space to receive us in our entire ‘raw-ety’; we can be ok with the people who aren’t able to hold space for us.
It can be a good opportunity for us to hold space for someone else though. Instead of striking back at them for not being emotionally mature and secure enough to accept us, we can model how to be emotionally mature and secure for them.
I found this except from The Conquer You Experience that explains how we don’t have to be completely vulnerable with everyone.
"Vulnerability is giving others a peek into the raw, true self, and providing a doorway for others to enter, if they choose, to do the same. It is a sacred experience, a gift, that shouldn’t be given to just anyone. It needs to be earned and shared in a safe space. Being authentic and vulnerable can knock down others protective walls and allow them to freely open up to their emotions, to feel, and to feel safe doing so.
Vulnerability is the great connector. When we share these vulnerable moments, we are putting a piece of us on the table for another to see, in all it’s magnificent imperfections. We open up knowing there is a possibility for judgment, rejection and pain. It’s risky. But when done in the right setting with the right people, it allows us to connect with others on the deepest of levels.
Greater intimacy (into-me-see), in all our relationships, is on the other side of vulnerable and difficult conversations. These sacred conversations allow for others to truly see us".-Taylor Cooper
A lot of the reason we lose so much faith in our dreams, visions, ambitions is because we believe that what inspired us to dream in the first place is actually not possible.
Because of life.
We blame life. But a lot of the time it’s not really life, is it?
It's really that we stop believing in US.
We stop trusting ourselves and pursuing whatever it is we always dreamt of pursuing because of one of two reasons:
1) Life didn’t go the way we expected it to go or
2) Life didn’t happen in the timeframe we expected it to happen in.
Yet, where do we get these expectations? Maybe we get them from comparison with others. We assume that someone else’s success during the same timeline as our timeline means our dreams won’t come true. We use another person’s path as a barometer of certainty. Which, ultimately, is flawed. Our paths are specific, not prescriptive.
We could also get these expectations simply from our own minds. Little illusions of how it should look and/or when it should happen. These illusions are not based in reality. They are just shifting perceptions—and most of the time these perceptions are completely born from fear
Sometimes it can feel like our minds are looking for reasons to give up. (Unless we retrain our minds to look for encouragements, which if you’re reading this, chances are your mind wants you to be encouraged. This is a sign!)
When we really think about it and dissect it, the only reasons we give up (or believe our time has passed or that we’re too old or too this or too that) are because of these faulty expectations. People have been defying “normal” for a very long time. And besides, we always need a new normal.
So, if you’re holding yourself and your life and your inspiration and your joy, hostage to faulty expectations or disappointments; it’s time to rethink. Time to retrain the brain. Time to start attuning yourself to encouragement. Time to look for signs that you’re on the right path FOR YOU.
If you needed a sign to not lose hope and to start letting go of expectations that are not serving you, this is it. Let them go and rise. Follow your path. Forget everything else.- Jamie Veron
If there’s one thing I’ve learned the last few years, is it’s ok to not know.
It’s ok to not know what the future holds. It’s ok to not have everything planned out. It’s ok to not know what the world will look like next year. I’m learning to trust by faith.
Faith over hope.
As I stated in this post, there’s a difference. In the process of just trusting, we may have some depression or sadness. As I listened to my audible tape “Care of the soul” on my way up to a camping trip yesterday, I listened with curiosity as he describes depression as a needed thing sometimes. It gives that space to reflect, to heal, to process. We don’t always have to live in this happy positive unauthentic state.
Anyone who’s experienced a “Dark night of the Soul” knows that you ultimately come out a better person. After all:
You can't know light without experiencing the dark.
Notice dark night of the soul is about confronting of your own ego story and resistance to darkness. Facing the inner darkness is not about becoming evil. It is not an impossible task, cannot overwhelm or even harm what is real. It’s about accepting and integrating all of you. Inner darkness is the fear of seeing something you do not want to see, something that shakes up your conditioned understanding of the world and how it works. It is also the fear of feeling something you do not want to feel. Humans are taught by society how to hide these aspects of self. We are taught fear is a weakness. So we are taught to deny or avoid what evokes discomfort, taught to focus attention on things that feel good and overlook corruption, social-cultural mistreatment, abuse, exploitation of living creatures, Earth and human beings and energetic brainwashing of beliefs we come to hold. Many humans think they can run from their inner darkness. This is what is projected into the external world and what is arising to the surface as you are ready to acknowledge it and see things as they are. Some people go to great lengths to do all kinds of good deeds in effort to erase, counterbalance, or avoid recognizing discomfort. Yet, wherever you think you go, here it is. When unconfronted, darkness thrives. It exists when you don’t look at it. This is the nature of the dark. It is absence of light. Just start to turn and look at it, and it is evaporating. In dreams, face what is chasing you. Watch it disappear.” – Liara Covert
There are so many things in my life to be grateful for right now. When the little shadow of fear that lingers ever so strong in the shadows of my soul, starts to sneak up on me; I just have to grab onto my faith.
Faith that everything will work out for the best. I will have enough money to meet my needs. I will have a job. My kids will be ok. My grandkids will make it in their own way.
I am enough and I have enough- always.
By acknowledging what drives my depression or my worry ( fear) I can hopefully send it on it’s way and leave me in peace.
“Depression is caused by overconsumption. Overconsumption is caused by obsession. Obsession is caused by fear. Fear is caused by an absence of love. An absence of love is caused by a belief in others. A belief in others is caused by a label called others. A label called others is caused by a need to organize life into some form of understanding. A need to organize life into some form of understanding is caused by an inability to trust life as it is.
By loving the one who doesn’t know how to trust life as it is, the need to organize life into some form of understanding dissolves. As this occurs, a belief in others can be recognized as a belief in a label called others. Beyond the play of labels, a love that knows no other emerges from within you. As love emerges, you are absolved of fear, the tendency to obsess, or the need to over consume, at the rate in which the one who is depressed is embraced with equal respect, support, and heart-centered attention.
As depression is loved as never before, it becomes a vital stage of emptying out. As you empty out, the seed of ego dissolves to create space for the blossoming of consciousness. This allows depression to be a pivotal stage of growth and expansion, instead of something to fight, ignore, or avoid.” – Matt Kahn
Talking about something difficult, no matter the risk of judgment or rejection, always winds up being much easier to endure than hiding from the things that need to be said. This is why the truth shall always set you free. The truth can always be said directly, diplomatically, and with the belief that no matter how anyone reacts to your sharing, each human being is hard-wired in connection to the Universe to become even more evolved over time as a result of each outcome. This is so, whether you are meant to see its evidence and no matter the opinions that others may have of you or the decisions you make. As you choose communication over avoidance, dare to believe in the unwavering support the Universe equally has for you, as well as others.
All of this is so you may be fully available to loving and encouraging yourself throughout the expression of your most difficult feelings, as your heart is divinely guided to share. In doing so it’s essential to remember, you don’t have to make anyone else wrong, in order to declare what is ultimately right for you.
Please enjoy this heart-warming newsletter to help you become a more empowered empath—for yourself, your loved ones, and the world around you.
It really does. Because that’s usually how we get hurt or offended or disappointed.
We finally get enough courage to open up and expose ourselves, and BAM we get slammed. Again. Then it takes us twice as long to creak open the treasure box- which is us- and peek out again.
I believe the key is in our expectations. What is our goal? Do we want love, acceptance? Sure, everyone does. By remembering that everyone is not in that safe space to receive us in our entire ‘raw-ety’; we can be ok with the people who aren’t able to hold space for us.
It can be a good opportunity for us to hold space for someone else though. Instead of striking back at them for not being emotionally mature and secure enough to accept us, we can model how to be emotionally mature and secure for them.
I found this except from The Conquer You Experience that explains how we don’t have to be completely vulnerable with everyone.
"Vulnerability is giving others a peek into the raw, true self, and providing a doorway for others to enter, if they choose, to do the same. It is a sacred experience, a gift, that shouldn’t be given to just anyone. It needs to be earned and shared in a safe space. Being authentic and vulnerable can knock down others protective walls and allow them to freely open up to their emotions, to feel, and to feel safe doing so.
Vulnerability is the great connector. When we share these vulnerable moments, we are putting a piece of us on the table for another to see, in all it’s magnificent imperfections. We open up knowing there is a possibility for judgment, rejection and pain. It’s risky. But when done in the right setting with the right people, it allows us to connect with others on the deepest of levels.
Greater intimacy (into-me-see), in all our relationships, is on the other side of vulnerable and difficult conversations. These sacred conversations allow for others to truly see us".-Taylor Cooper
I am in no way an expert on narcissism. Although, It seems to be the go-to word these days for anyone who displays any controlling or selfish-appearing behavior; there are also legit narcissists roaming the relationship and workplace arenas.
I was pleasantly surprised to come across this blog from a man who admits to many years of straight out full-on narcissism. His unique way of telling his story caught my attention. Hope you enjoy.
Loving from the heart and not the head is an essential part of the transformational process that Jesus so graciously takes us through. If, we are first willing to accept the invitation, as well as the ticket price.
“Ticket price! What do you mean ticket price?, He already paid the price!
If you don’t believe there’s a hefty cost in store as we migrate on this journey being transformed into the likeness of Jesus, perhaps on more than one occasion you may have declined an invitation within the invitation?
I do not suffer from a martyrdom syndrome, and I certainly do not believe that It is a prerequisite for me to beat my chest as I march for two or three days to “suffer for Jesus.” Nor do I find it necessary to self-inflict wounds as a means of demonstrating my devotion, allegiance, love, worship or anything man made by any stretch, in order to gain His affirmation and approval.
Many of us have come to the awareness that we reside in an upside-down Kingdom, and there lies no exception when it comes to loving from the heart. Until we die to ourselves, we will unfortunately not be able to truly love the way Jesus loves.
The carnal heart has boundaries and choke points when it comes to unconditional love and only through the becoming like Jesus will we truly love the way that He loves.
This has undoubtedly been the most challenging part of my journey.
Being mentally, physically and spiritually abused as a young boy, my love was ripped away from me at a very critical time of my early development. I am convinced that is a part of the diabolical plan of satan to deposit and establish a paramount degree of fear in adolescents that will literally destroy the emerging adult.
I was no exception as a result of the shackles that were placed on me, I never had a clue of what unconditional love looked like? All I knew was fear and rejection. I was terrorized at the mere thought of someone liking me or wanting to be in relationship with me. I had convinced myself that if a friendship or relationship would ensue, that right away, the countdown had begun. It was on borrowed time. It was just a matter of time that the hourglass would completely transfer and I would no longer be wanted in the relationship. So, I made it my mission to sabotage every relationship shortly after its inception. It was the only way I knew to survive.
“I must destroy the relationship and be the first to reject because I know that I will be eventually rejected”. I lived in terror, just waiting for the hammer to drop.
Somehow, I was able to convince myself that this would ease the pain, and as long as I was the one in control, there would be less shrapnel to dig out, allowing me to entertain the illusion that I remained on top.
These consistent, perpetual patterns in my life laid the foundation for the borderline pathological narcissist that was developing in the petri-dish.
I learned and mastered the “art”, of manipulation, deflection, projection, rejection, gas lighting, which swung the pendulum from any form of unconditional love to a place on the other side, that I can only describe as a cesspool of brokenness, shame, self-pity, self-loathing, hate, pride, arrogance and a host of other really nasty human characteristics.
Oh , did I fail to mention that this was all happening while I was either on the mission field, Pastoring a church, leading groups, raising babies and “doing the stuff” as the late John Wimber defines it.
There are so many more brush strokes that I could add to this painting but instead I prefer to place the emphasis on loving from the heart and how that transition, transformation or metamorphosis, if you will began to take shape and develop my life.
I continued in this cycle of death for about 15 years into my marriage, and only by the grace of God did my wife not leave me or relegate me to the scrap heap. She instead laid down boundaries that General Patton, himself would be proud of!
Each time that I breached one of these boundaries, depending on what it was, would determine the action that she would take. On most occasions it was packing her bag and leaving until I changed my behavior to include without fail, a sincere genuine display of Godly sorrow, remorse, apology for my specific infraction, and recognition of how my abuse adversely affected her and the children. And there was no pulling the wool over her eyes.
She became an expert at dealing with the narcissist spirit, and it took me losing my shit to even examine the threshold that would turn the tables for me as I slowly realized I was losing control of her mind.
What she never did, was stop loving me, caring for me and fighting for my freedom.
As she reached new levels of freedom, she had more empathy for me. Those closest to her encouraged her to leave me and by all accounts she had every right to do so as a result of my constant abuse and empty promises to get help.
“how can I throw away this man, although through his abuse and mental instability helped shape and form the woman I am today?”
This was her response, and when these molecules reached my ears and marrow of my bone it was like a hydrogen bomb that shattered the strongest link in the chains that held me prisoner. It was the antidote that my heart needed.
In all honesty, her taking that stance brought me face to face with Jesus. I was completely undone as I saw him through her eyes.
No one could love like this aside from Jesus and that kindness immediately paved the road for a repentance that I only read about in books and perhaps witnessed maybe a handful of times on my journey.
She was blessed with the ability to capture that kind of love, because as a result she did not leave me nor forsake me, ever. I had been the “tool”, the catalyst to her learning and mastering the art of living with a narcissist but not allowing me to exert any of his tactics, get a foothold, abuse and control of the relationship.
She loved me to life through the power of perfect love.
She learned to work closely with Holy Spirit and was given access to the blueprint and strategies on “how to love me from a distance”, when necessary, while still maintaining and promoting unconditional love.
The enemy of my soul would not rest until he completely and utterly destroyed my life, my marriage, my children and I was hanging on by a thread. But Thank God, it was a “thread of truth.” One that just needed someone that was willing to love me with a love “as unyielding as the grave.” This kind of love is what fashioned a three strand cord.
This love found me through the heart of one who had truly traded in her stony heart , for a heart of flesh, and resisted every attempt from the enemy to take back what was freely given to her. She in turn, followed the owner’s manual which resulted in me coming to my senses and learning to love from my heart and not my head.
In the words of John Mayer, and John Lennon, “I’m in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there”,
I forge ahead, knowing that I love better today than I did yesterday.
A unique perspective on the world from a small town girl turned big city nurse. Now a grandmother to 4 gregarious, resplendent boys and 3 endearing, magical girls, she strives the make the world a more understanding, pleasant place to experience this intense thing called life.View Archive →
