You’re done. Admit it, you’ve said it.

You’re done wishing things would get better.

You’re done with the lies, the empty promises.

You’re done putting out all the effort when there doesn’t seem to be any return on your investment. Speaking of money – it makes your head spin to think about it. Would you work at a job where you shed sweat, blood and guts not to mention mounds of tears and never get a paycheck?

Yet you keep doing it because- well that day might come when you get handed a check or a morsel of apology or a spark of things getting better; which you hang onto for dear life. You live for that day. It seems like your entire existence is spent on that moment.

And that’s why you say you’re done. That you’re tired. Tired of searching.

Searching for your magic solution. Just the right mix. Ya know? The right mix of being supportive and not doing that “E” word. But you’re so tired. You’ve said you’re done a million times. But we know you’re not. Because you have hope.

And faith.

The reward is just around the corner, you know it!

Over and over again. Like a little kid lost in a carnival looking for her parents. It’s scary and hard but you know the reward is coming. You’ll find them and they’ll be holding a big pink sweet sticky cotton candy and it will all be yours! So you continue.

What are you losing meanwhile? What part of yourself are you missing? 

I know, with my own journey in this addiction; I woke up 2+ years later, 25 lbs overweight, a house full of junk & needing repairs and all my other relationships in need of attention. I didn’t know where the time went, yet it seemed like 20 years had passed too!

I had to take a good look at my quality of life and those around me. I had to figure out where my “project” ended and where I began. I had to be my own hero not everyone else’s.

The path to begin to do that is with self-compassion.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the credit you’ve been secretly wanting from others. Or whatever reward you wanted.

Resolution, peace, even martyr status.

We all like a pat on the back. You’re human. We all want these things. But at what expense?

The key to not needing anything from others ( in theory) and from outside circumstances (& thereby letting them dictate your moods and life)  is to give what you are seeking to yourself, fully and without judgment. Throw yourself a party, but this time it’s not a pity party, it’s a job well deserving of all the effort regardless of the result.

So you can ‘be done’ if you want.  You can be done driving yourself crazy with worry. You can be done feeling empty with pain and torment. You can be done trying to control uncontrollable things.

You can set some limits such as turning off your phone at night so you can sleep. You can set limits on money or gas. You can develop coping skills such as active diversion when your thoughts start going to all or nothing thinking. 

You can learn coping skills. You can learn boundaries and limits. Join a zoom group NOT just a Facebook support group that wallows in victimhood and anguish which keeps you stuck in others’ behaviors and your lack of control.

Just be sure to never set limits on love. Never let your emotions make you become cruel and vindictive. Blowing off steam onto those struggling may feel good in the moment since they appear to be the source of your pain but are they really?

The target of our rage usually isn’t the source. That may seem hard to believe, but when we become frustrated and upset, it’s our clue to step back and ask what is really bothering me? Most times it’s fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing our child. Fear that if we don’t make a stance then we will blame ourselves if something happens. “I tried and nothing worked, so I had to step away.” becomes our self justification to relieve any guilt that may arise. Or just plain old control of the outcome mantras such as “nothing changes if nothing changes” or you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.” these are great quotes FOR OURSELF, but not to control others. The truth is, you must do whatever is healthiest FOR YOU and if stepping away gets you back to yourself so you can be strong for others in your life– including those struggling then step away!! Rest. Lean. Just don’t stay there and become bitter.

If we are going to be of any help to those who need it most, we have to be the healthier one and the best way to do that is give yourself self- compassion.