Tag: addiction

Matters What? What Matters? And other Thanksgiving thoughts

ᗰᗩTTEᖇS.. ᗯᕼᗩT

As I drove on the interstate to work today, I saw the flashing billboard with the following words:

If they don’t live with you, zoom for Thanksgiving

I felt my eyes stinging with tears.

What about a second option?

What about the family members who you haven’t seen for 6 months? What about your first born son who was the hero & leader of the family who’s now lost in the world of addiction?

In fact, that son may not even be alive today. I haven’t talked to him in 2 days & at that time he was so scared that he would be picked up again for supporting his habit, that he just wanted to run away. 😥

Yes, that one habit that ‘other people’ say- “if he really wanted to quit he could.” True of anything right? If I really wanted to be svelte & toned and dare I say ‘skinny’; I could just do it right?

We all know it’s just not that easy. Not impossible, just not as simple as it sounds.

It’s kindof strange that my son is scared of getting caught doing what his brain tells him he MUST DO! Imagine a smoker getting arrested for buying ciggerettes…..

Imagine the daily guilt and shame and sneaking and lying just to get a drink of water to us…. A needed glass of water….

Not the same? Read my article on cravings found Here. It’s a pretty simple explanation as to what an addict goes through.

Anyway, back to water and ciggerettes and me being skinny. They’re all cravings & desires aren’t they?

OF course, that’s a Matter OF OPINION. As is EVERYTHING these days.

Opinions don’t equal facts. No matter how you spin it because today’s facts can be twisted.

I dread Thanksgiving & Christmas this year. Not because of Covid, but because of my fractured family. Disappointmeant, unspoken & spoken expectations. My inability to fix everyone’s concerns. My inability to move mountains to create stronger bonds…..

My son, 4 hours away, whom I can’t zoom with on Thanksgiving, even if I wanted to see his 100 lb weight loss ravaged body- because he has isolated himself away from his family and his life as he knew it for 32 years.

“Just QUIT!!!!”

I want to scream! There’s help available! You have 2 little kids who need to know their daddy loves them!!!

But with addiction it’s just not that easy. Their brain is hijacked into believing whatever the drug tells them. It’s always just one more time. It’s always not that bad. It’s always you have all the time in the world.

Meanwhile, 1 year turns into 2, and soon we will be heading into year 3 of this nightmare.

Before that, this son had built his dream business from nothing. Along with his brothers and dad.

High school drop-out, but
Worked his butt off from age 16 to 32. Nights, weekends- 70 hrs a week or more.  
Married, 2 precious kids. Built a beautiful hand crafted home in a red rock mecca paradise.


Brought his brothers and Dad along with him. They were unstoppable. 
Custom & commercial cement. Powerline fabrication,an excavating business & a freaking business for awhile.


In 2015 he did $500,000 in labor alone with zero investors which is unheard of in this business..
His closest competitors were multimillionaire companies…
His Gross revenue in 2014 was 70k.  He set a goal to double it…
He reached 1 million the next year..set aset a goal to double it..reached 3,million in 2017..

And then the opiod crisis hit him.

The last year he has lost everything.

I wrote THIS article as we were preparing for his intervention and first rehab. I was so angry at the political climate THEN! The waste of money spent, when my family & many others were DYING !!

Politics aside though….

Haaa!

Although it seems impossible these days to avoid a political conversation and/or have respect for someone who supports a certain group or cause; it can be done!

Groups, meetings, friends  and families CAN get along without spurring a argument, IF they can focus on what they DO agree on.

It takes effort for sure.

But if we can find common ground and unite together in a cause where we can actually make a difference, I think we can help the downtrodden, the mentally ill, the families and lives thrown into addiction.

To Save a To Save a Life – by The Frey….. One of my favorite songs of all time………

I just hope and pray every day that my son’s life is saved…by the grace of God or anything for that matter. I’ll take anything…….😭

A͎ D͎a͎y͎ i͎n͎ t͎h͎e͎ L͎i͎f͎e͎ o͎f͎ t͎h͎e͎ M͎o͎t͎h͎e͎r͎ o͎f͎ a͎n͎ A͎d͎d͎i͎c͎t͎

Preventing Addiction

I mean…is that even possible? Maybe not with our children, because I believe we do the best we can with what we have while raising them.

But as adults I have always felt that if we stick to our personal “checkpoints” as I call them- we could prevent allot of problems.

When I watch a movie, I’m always curious as to that “ʍօʍҽղԵ” when things changed to start the downward spiral either in the form of stealing, cheating, lieing & addiction.

My very favorite example of this is an old movie with Bridgette Fonda & Billy Bob Thornton. Good Lord, talk about normal people’s lives being thrown to the wolves! A Simple Plan

One of my fav movies.

Hindsite being 20/20 aside-; If we religiously ( I use that word loosely but completely IN context here) have a self -monitoring system that we can use to pull ourselves back from a path that will only lead to disaster, I believe we could catch allot of issues.

This system might actually be a weekly worship, a nightly prayer, a daily journal writing, or a friend who holds us accountable as simply as in the form of a conversation once in a while to help us see how far fetched our thinking is getting – lol.

There are many other ways to do this including Hal Elrods Miracle Morning program called Savers Seen HERE.

Or reviewing Miguel Ruiz 4 agreements daily Seen HERE.

Tony Robbins, of course has his billionaire advice HERE.

Mel Robbins morning routine made her famous ( & Rich) with just 5 measly seconds HERE

Recently I discovered a great list right on the government substance use disorder website thats listed in my GET HELP section on MY site

It’s called “Creating a Healthier Life, a step by step guide to wellness.

You can download it free HERE

Many companies have put their spin on it but it’s basically an expanded version of Maslow’s hierchy of needs.

When looking at this, it’s easy to see how far off the circle IN ALL AREAS addicts find themselves, so it’s no wonder how overwhelming it must be to even begin.

Luckily some wonderful recovery professional made a simple recovery model- which I love.

I hope you’re able to see this 🙂

I hope these resources can help us see how important it is to stay true to ourselves on all areas of life so we can be a healthy, emotionally strong beacon for those struggling. Not to mention to keep US out of danger of going off track for living our best lives ❣️✨❣️

Nature & Hunting Made my Son strong for LIFE

My son grew up with 2 brothers, a dad, a Grandpa, and many cousins and uncles who loved nature; camping, fishing & hunting.

He spent days, weeks and months navigating the trails and roads of the mountain ranges of Idaho.

They sat around the campfire eating hot dutch oven stew and talking about their days adventures.

They forged bonds of comradery & teamwork as they surveyed the land and forged through rough trails.


This was their tribe.

The goal was clear.

Hunting and tracking the deer and elk to provide meat for their families for the winters just like their ancestors before them.


My son was taught to respect the land and use it for the beauty it graciously offered.

He was taught to survive in the cold fall months for sometimes 8 hours a day while they planned endless attempts at tracking the magnificent creatures.
These animals tried to elude them the best they could, not knowing that their short life span would eventually take them with disease or famine.

My son learned that he could do anything if he could successfully track an animal in its home environment.

He learned that a huge mountain is nothing compared to the prize on the other side.

He learned that watching his cold breath in the early morning hours was all part of the game. When his fingers became numb from the cold he figured out how to get the circulation back by jumping in place or blowing his breath into them. He learned to bring hand warmers next time.
Years later this perseverance would benefit his addiction in more ways than I realized.

Thankfully most people couldn’t handle the sheer abuse & chaos that addiction forces a body & mind to endure. But my son learned that his amazing body could handle cold, wet, uncomfortable situations, as long as the goal was in mind.

He learned to be strong, independent, not to whine, and always be focused on the goal.

Even if the goal is now an evil drug who has him captured.

He knows his body is amazingly tough so the drug tells him he’s invincible.

He knows that the goal is more important than anything right now so the drug tells him the goal is to come on over to the smooth side. To be ‘numb’ and content -then everything will be alright.

He knows it takes teamwork to reach a goal so the drug’s evil powers tells him that shady people are his ticket.

He knows that soon he won’t be cold and hungry and tired so he’s willing to wait and do whatever the evil drug tells him to do.

When people say not to coddle the addict, I have to laugh a little because my son was never coddled.
When he became homeless after losing everything he had worked for for 10+ years, he knew he would survive. Tough love didn’t work on him because he was fiercely independent anyway.

When he was fired from his last job, he had no car, no house, no clothes and was in a town he hadn’t lived in for 6 years, yet he still figured out someone to call for a ride, begged for a bed & figured out what to do. He found people he had helped before and they were more than willing to feed him and give him a ride.

I would have collapsed in tears and begged to go to rehab.

But not my son. He’s very resourceful, even though he’s hurting inside. He feels the pain of disappointmeant and judgement enough to cut deeply into his rejected soul yet the drug has enough of a hold on his brain to tell him that’s it’s not his fault.
That he still doesn’t have to quit. All those people just don’t understand.

So he trudges on ….

Through the depths of this madness…

To find some peace, any peace from this battle raging inside his mind.

That’s the goal.
Peace & comfort.
Once he finds that, he will be ok for a minute.

His drug is like the campfire. Now he’s ‘safe’ and warm, he feels ‘ loved’. He’s with people who understand and accept him ….

He’s with his ‘tribe’.

Even if they’re all going down with the ship….

Why Can’t we Respect Differing Opinions?

It’s sad that we think we can only like or be friends with people who believe what we do.

It’s strange to think that the old debate rules we learned in High School are nonexistent anymore.  Yet history has shown us that it’s easier to divide and conquer if we want a certain policy passed or a way of life to be accepted.

Theres a video called hidden agendas (which btw won’t load-but it was originally on Amazon prime), is classified as  conspiracy theory, and is now unavailable with all the censoring. This only furthers the narrative to make us believe we should only watch ‘accepted’ media.

It’s sad that we’ve been taught that it’s ok to treat the elderly, or the cops, or someone of either party with such malice & hate in order to prove a point.

No matter who we think is right or who may have taught us these things, it’s unfortunate that we ourselves ‘are led to’ believe it to be true…..

Just like Netflix’s latest Social Dilemma shows, we CAN be swayed to believe things. Including that it’s OK to be so drastically divided and shame those who think differently.

Calling someone out on their behavior is different than shaming someone for their beliefs.

It’s sad that all sides of a story can’t be heard by all sources so that WE can decide for ourselves.

It’s sad that we can’t be trusted enough to decide for ourselves what’s true.

I’m especially saddened that one issue can tear apart families to the point of not being able to converse or strengthen family bonds.

You don’t have to believe in a God to believe in an evil force.

I truly believe that the devil is winning by using whatever device, tool, people, addiction or argument that it can muster up to cause such unrest & fear & anger in so many.

We can make a difference by doing our part & starting with what’s right in front of us.

Remember when we joined the big anti- bullying push in schools?  Yet nowadays, online, we feel justified to bully someone into compliance with what WE think. Is BEST for THEM. A complete stranger.

What are our kids learning?

People, ALL people, just want to be loved & respected…. The way they go about it is just different…

Some act out for attention. Some destroy things to feel empowered. Some deflect and cover up with substances or other addictive behaviors.

However, someone chooses to be heard and understand, I don’t think the answer is “raise voices through violence.”

It breaks my heart to see videos against innocent people such as the elderly these past few weekswith people cheering the attackers on saying “that’s go time”. Watch Here. Sad. Pray for peace. 

We ALWAYS Have a CHOICE what our next move will be

This will be the last time I share these hate filled videos, so not too give power to anyones “cause.” I sincerely hope that these viscous attacks fail to provide the wanted results. 🍀🤞🍀🤞🍀🤞

Pray for peace. Let it start with us

The Powerless of Cravings

“If you will understand that we are starving, then you will understand why we do the things we do in our addiction. We’re not bad people. We’re just people. Just like you. But unlike you, we’re starving. This is why we hock, sell, trade everything we have. This is why we do the things that hurt the people we love. Our loved ones will say that we love our drugs more than we do them, but that’s not true. Even if you’re starving, you still love.” Dr Sam Snodgrass

This article is one of the best I’ve seen explaining opiod addiction to the average person from the point of view of the person suffering. The author is a doctor who suffered himself for 22 years.

It explains why people lose so much weight (along with everything else) as they become more and more addicted to not only the substance, but the daily rat race lifestyle that requires so much time and energy, “just to stay well” as my son always says.

When I hear moms arguing about whether to buy food for an addicted loved one, there’s always the comment: “if they can buy dope they can buy food”.

The problem is, they don’t.

To me, it’s like expecting a severe Alzheimers patient to eat on time every day without forgetting to turn off the stove.

The first time my son was “out there” for 9 months, he lost 80 lbs. The second time he lost 60 in 5 months. When I received this second picture of him last year, I literally broke down in horror with shaking sobs. When I sent it to my daughter, she was so upset, she had to leave work. She said:

“I didn’t have any idea it could get this bad in just 5 months”

Filters to protect privacy
"Our starvation for these opioids is far more intense than our starvation for food. If it’s a choice between buying food or buying heroin, then that’s not a choice"

He explains how it relates to us eating as a means to survival.

“Let’s say that the only place you can get food is out of a black market where food is expensive and it is scarce. And it is illegal. It is illegal to buy out of this black market. But it’s the only place you can find food. If you were in this situation, what would you do? Would you starve? Or would you break the law and buy food, to eat and to live? Would you steal if you had to, to buy food? The answer to that would be yes. Because survival is not a choice”.

“If it’s a choice between buying food or buying heroin, then that’s not a choice. We’ll take that heroin. Every time. This is not a deficit in reasoning. This is not a failure in judgment or impulse control. It is a perfectly rational response to our starvation for these opioids”

Honestly, because of articles like this, my anger towards my son for all the damage he’s caused has melted in complete compassion for his daily, minute-to-minute struggle. I wish I could say the same for others in my family who are still hurting & I assume angry with him. Addicts get a bad rap because they don’t magically heal from all these brain changes when they go to jail or go to a 30-day rehab; the truth is, it takes almost as long to heal as the time in hardcore active addiction. Everyone wants a quick fix (pun not intended- sort-of).

"You can't solve a problem in the same environment in which it was created".

“We’re not narcissistic hedonists. When we hurt the ones we love, we hurt too. And what is sad is that we don’t understand why we can’t stop. We don’t understand why we do the things we do. We don’t understand why we hurt the ones we love. We don’t understand because no one has explained to us that the changes within the brain at a cellular, molecular, level, what we call opioid addiction, is an acquired disease of brain structure and, thus, function that is manifested not as compulsive drug seeking and use but, rather, as behavior directed towards the survival of the individual”.

I invite you to click here to read the full article with resources to help.

All I know, which isn’t much; is that this is a family & societal problem. It’s not a “if only he would stop doing destructive things to himself and others, then I can feel better about him and myself and things will be fine”. Although in theory that may be true, but there’s always a reason someone starts wanting to feel a certain way or avoid feeling a certain way around certain people or situations; and those conditions must be looked at before complete family healing can take place. The dynamics of relationships involve BOTH parties, so fixing the damage can’t be done by only one (plus expecting it to be done by the one with the most damaged brain seems silly).

Dr. Sam Snodgrass received a Doctorate in Biopsychology from the University of Georgia in 1987. He was then awarded a National Institute on Drug Abuse Post-Doctoral Fellowship in the Pharmacology and Toxicology Department at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences. After his Post-Doc, he was asked to remain as a faculty member in this department. In 1995 he lost his faculty position due to his opioid addiction. His use of heroin and Dilaudid began in 1976. For the first 13 years, his use was occasional. In 1989 he developed an opioid addiction and did not stop for the next 22 years. He is currently a member of the Board of Directors of the 501 c3 non-profit Broken No More and its subsidiary organization, GRASP (Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing).

4 years ago

Four years ago on Election day. ☑️🗳️☑️  YOU were the one who taught me to care about truth and standing up 4🇺🇲 AMERICA🇺🇲 YOU are the one who explained to me until 2am how evil works..🦹How it entices by promises shiney💎 things with slick talk and comforting words. With fake promises and easy political tag lines🧹🧙🕷️YOU were the perfect example, the passionate 🏇Messenger of all things life.

You, my first born son, were / are one of the most influential people to ANYone who’s ever met you.. With your knowledge, your humor….So it makes sense that you were attacked hard….🤺 You have been completely knocked down over and over.⚔️🤺by an evil demon who made you his slave. I have feared this demon for years. Feared his power and his bravado that he stole my son from his life, his family, his business.

But today there’s a new fear in my life. The fear of change. Today the world may never be the same. Life as we know it may slowly erode into a new, more compliant, less choice, more homegenized, less character.🇩🇪🛡️🇩🇪A new experience for sure. One that might test our very foundations of history and will affect our children for years to come…..For the first time since learning of your addiction, I am scared of something else…. I miss you son……🗣️🦜🗣️🦜🗣️🦜🗣️

A Moment To Feel Ok

This quote is so interesting to me, because we (society in general) “seem to” look down on addicts or homeless people in some fashion. I’m not saying there’s ingrained ‘bias’ at all. I’m just going on what I’ve felt myself & seen in my culture and community before addiction hit my family head on .

I realize that not all homeless people are addicts, and of course not all addicts are homeless; but we still have these fleeting first impression thoughts of self-righteousness and judgement when you see that guy -or gal- on the street.

“Why didn’t they just quit
–when they first realized they had a problem-or how sad-it’s too bad they didn’t get some help”. Or the biggest one “Why doesn’t he just get a job in this thriving economy?”

There isn’t one complete answer to all those questions, but that doesn’t stop us from seeing them as having some sort of weaker character.

As we drive past them quickly, we are thankful to not be under pressure to look at them because that would mean to face the stark reality of the "failings" of our society.

This comes with the relief of the burden of NOT having to decide to give them something. Because we all know what they’ll spend it on right? Or because the news stories have proven some are scammers.

So we gladly drive by, with a quick exhale as we pull out our phone to see what we might have missed in our lives or in the social media world, in those few moments of awkwardness.

Back to what will make us laugh or who liked our last post. Back to what to make for dinner.

Or we reach for the chocolate covered pretzels full of delicious fructose that melts on our tongue signaling those endorphins to release the dopamines so that the serotonin in our brains will make us happy.

Hmmm. Same process, different ‘drug’.

I mean it’s normal, we are human. We NEED these endorphins to even get out of bed in the morning.

Everyone needs to self regulate their emotions and find their happy place.

The problem is when we fail to see that what we are doing is the same thing ‘they’ did, no matter their reason for starting. (Drugs or alcohol)

Whether it was surgery or one drink on the weekend to relax, some of us don’t have, or lose that ability to self regulate the amount and be able to stop.

Is that a character defect?

Who knows? Gabor Mate might. Many other experts might. But bottom line, we are all human. We all need comfort, to feel warm & loved & that we belong.

The fact that 21 million Americans have an addiction, with only 10% being treated; tells me that we still have a huge way to go in reducing shame and sigma of addiction.

One way to do this is reduce the judgement that they are somehow any different than us, in the way of willpower or strength.

We have zero idea of what choices they had to choose between, whether escaping from abuse one day or a traumatic event or just normal life’s stress that we all have.
Maybe next time you see someone who’s obviously struggling or “looks like they’ve had a rough life” maybe we could offer a McDonald’s gift card, or hand them a heart shaped chocolate candy, or if they seem safe, ask them if they need you to go buy them anything just for today to help them get by. 💞🙋‍♂️💞

How good would that feel to boost our endorphins for even more than a brief moment, probably for the rest of the day? Just by helping others.

How good would it feel to feel compassion for another struggling soul. How good to feel like we somehow made a difference in someone’s life. I can’t think of a greater endorphin boost.

Today Was a First

Had covid not happened, today probably wouldn’t have happened. And like most things covid, I wish today hadn’t NEEDED to happen.

Click here for nar-anon mtgs

But it did.

And I did.

It wasn’t really my choice. I mean not technically. It was my son’s choice. Long ago my son’s choices forced today to happen.

I zoomed into my first nar-anon meeting. For the lucky ones who don’t know what nar- anon is, it’s the equivalent of al-anon, which is for families of alcoholics. Nar-anon is for families of narcotics users who became addicted and found themselves “powerless over their life.”

Luckily though, I am not powerless. I chose to get myself some help from the maddening rollercoaster which loving an addict brings on.

What a weird club to be in. Little squares of faces in the zoom boxes on my screen. People from all over.

Tennessee,

New York,

Montana.

People from all walks of life. I see in the backgrounds of some, the old wood paneling from my childhood. Others are seemingly lying on a beach? A few men, but mostly ladies. A few young, most old.

Ladies that have been secretaries and treasurer’s in the organization for sometimes 20 years! God help me if I have to talk addiction for that long!

I mean, can’t my son just get better? Can’t we just go back to our previously scheduled lives before addiction took hold? Can we kayak on Dr Seuss’s La Jolla beach in San Diego again? Can my adult silly son yell “Mom! Mom!” In his annoying loud voice with a smirky smile even when I’m answering him from 10 feet away.”What son?” “Watch what I can do!” In his best Stewart impression.

Can’t we go camping again with his favorite Grandpa, his hero, who just passed on? Can’t we go scouting for deer, or look for deer sheds, roaming the mountains for hours, listening to my son’s endless stories of chasing a deer on this mountain or that mountain?

Hey, I know. Isn’t there lots of movies about time travel? So if they can dream it up in a movie then it HAS to BE possible right? Ok. I pick 1988. My now addicted son was 2. His little toe headed hair bouncing over his forehead. His head looked huge compared to his body. He stood up in the 1984 Ford Bronco 2 & pointed to a truck, “Dum bum!” He said. “What? ” “DUM BUM, I WANT A DUM BUM!” We looked at the big dump truck out the window. We laughed. He laughed, smiling at a little boys hopes and dreams of driving a truck full of dirt. This little boy ended up owning a company with dump trucks & an excavation company!

Or how bout time travel to 5 yrs old? He was riding in the seat behind me in the driver’s seat on the interstate as we headed home from shopping. Suddenly, I heard a swish of air blowing in. He had managed to open the door handle and the door was open a few inches with a semi-truck barreling up beside us!!! I yelled, “BRAXTON! Lean towards your sister!” I couldn’t do anything but pray that the door closed enough and he was leaning the other direction in the back seat, as I maneuvered to the side of the road. My heart was pounding a million miles an hour as I pulled over and proceeded to yell at my child for his actions. “Why did you do that? How did you do that? What’s wrong with you?”

In my defense, I probably didn’t say THAT last line, but I’m sure my anger took over in fear and shock.

But in my time travel moment, I can have a do-over, see? I can take that little boy in my arms; I can say “honey, I’m soooo glad you’re safe, I’m glad we’re all ok. You were led by some unknown reason to pull on that door, and you were very lucky and were saved from a lot of pain or even death. Do you know, my sweet little boy, that you will face many big semis like that one? Do you know how they can overtake you and make you think you’re safe when really they want to hurt you? They can even transform themselves into other things like an ice cream truck to get your attention. There’s a secret though. The ice cream is poisonous. 🍦🐍

Soon, though, you will want nothing else but that ice cream. And we will all miss you terribly. You will have a little boy who’s just your age now who won’t know his daddy.

But do you know how strong you are? Do you know that you can get through anything? It’s going to seem like you’re lost sometimes, But I have faith in you son. I know you will always figure out a way to live your dreams and stop the enemy from overtaking you when you are tempted or have gone down a wayward path.

Oh my sweet strong little boy, let’s go have some ice cream- err I mean some chicken nuggets- and you can tell me everything about today that made you happy or sad or scared.”

” Hi, I’m Samantha & I’m the mother of an addict”.

I Decided I Like Masks

As I left work and headed to run errands amid the Covid pandemic, I slowly put my mask back on that I had been wearing all day as a nurse. Usually I resist putting it back on, because of breathing, claustrophobic & dizziness issues. This time however, I welcomed it. Because today was another highly emotional day in the life of a mom of an addict.

My son is an adult, but the devastation on our family the last two years has been palpable. His two little kids abandoned from their daddy, his ex-wife forced to sell their beautiful new home, and his business that most of the family worked at- was gone.  He had one attempt at rehab and it seemed to make it worse in the sense that it gave him the impression that all rehabs were scammy like that one.

Today, though was another rough one for this mama. He had sent  pictures of himself to me after not seeing him for 5 months. To say I was shocked is an understatement. My once buff, stocky, six foot 240 lb. son looked like a little old man who hadn’t eaten in a month. I, of course, had to torture myself all the more by pulling up his old pictures and making a split screen to show the drastic difference that the toll of drugs has had on his body.

As I walked into the grocery store, the images of these pictures pierced my mama heart so deeply, my eyes stung with tears. I felt my face scrunch up and my body become weak. But I still was able to push my cart around with my mask pulled up to under my eyes, and no one knew the difference. I can mourn my son while he is still alive, amidst other shoppers who wouldn’t have a clue what I am dealing with. I can walk around and grab the milk and eggs and wonder if my son is eating today. I can basically buy anything I want while he struggles to get a few dollars. I can feel guilty for not paying his phone bill this month, even though it seems to not do any good because he doesn’t call in for his court hearings anyway.

Nothing with addiction makes sense. You’re either tough loving them or your enabling them. They’re either going to die, or they’re going to recover.  You feel powerless for the outcome, paralyzed in fear and confused as to what is the right thing to do. Most of all, you have deep sense of sadness for your child that you once knew, is gone. 

My struggle with my son’s addiction is mostly a secret anyway except to family so I literally wear a mask a 24/7. But now, with the current covid precautions and the masks, I can still have my complete daily or weekly meltdown while doing errands and no one is the wiser. I arrive home with my tears dried, my eyes just a little red and my mood lifted just enough to get on with my nightly tasks.  This is a day in the life of an addict’s mom. – Samantha Waters