Tag: boundaries

Addictive Personality

I’ve always known that my son had an addictive personality but since he seemed to use it for good things, it wasn’t an issue. In fact, most times we would just roll our eyes at how intense he was.

I’ve heard that most addicts are people with addictive personalities. And if they didn’t have one before, the drugs will make sure they do now. The unquenchable thirst for more, and more, makes them prone to get involved in riskier and riskier obsessive behaviors. That so called line that “normal – thinking” people think is so bold and stark – like an orange painted crosswalk- is just a blurry gray to them. It’s as if they are color-blind to the advancing risks of use.

I learned from Addiction deconstructed, by Nicole Labor, that the reptile brain is always in action of seeking what they perceive as survival. So lying, hiding, stealing and then selling are progressions of an unhealed brain which sees only the options of survival to them but to us they only seem to further their bad situation.

Addiction wouldn’t even be a thing if it didn’t have this strong drive for “survival.”

So the fact the person (puppet) follows the algorithm of addiction behaviors; shouldn’t really be a surprise to us. I think we forget that fact when talking about the why’s of this devastating disease.

Why are they so mean?

Why are they so devoid of empathy?

Why are they so selfish?

Why isn’t their children enough to get them to stop?

Or:

Why can’t a regular job be enough?

Because, it just isn’t.

You can explore all the ‘why’s’ of an addict that you want, but it’s just going to drive you insane.
It’s like those little pullback play cars. You pull them back a few times to rev up the wheels then let them go.
At that point, nothing is gonna stop them until they crash. We all know what those crashes entail, but most are temporary, sadly some aren’t. They just get sent in a different direction. Addicts actually adapt well to different surroundings because their minds (if not completely healed) MUST find something l to focus on to tame their headspace.

The “addictive personality” theme may explain why some people can be on opioids or occasional alcohol and not get addicted. (because they don’t have the addictive game, or propensity for it?)

We just don’t understand enough about their brain to know what it’s like to be so controlled as to ALWAYS be in survival mode. Whether that’s the fear of being alone/ powerless/ raw with their own emotions/facing what damage they’ve caused; we are not going to be able to reach them.

WE are not going to reach them in the way that we think. and unfortunately they are not able to show that they care.

I believe that they really CAN’T care until their brain is remapped or given time to heal.
So they continue to ONLY care about what their ‘sick’ brain tells them to.
It creates a path behind them of chaos & confusion, hurt people & innocent children & lots of lost time & money spent.

The only conclusion that gives me any sense of peace is that we ALL must ultimately navigate our own journey. 

So, in a sense, we need to stop wondering why.

We can help by working within our boundaries, we can pray, sympathize with others, etc but each of us- including the addicted- must forge our own healing journey in the best way we can to survive our pain❣️💛❣️

Toughless Love

The heart that builds itself up to do the “tough love”,
Fails miserably over & over again…

The heart that swears to never enable again, walks past her son’s picture & breaks down into tears of what he must look like now…..
This Mom who melts into relief at seeing that green dot- of-life online today.

This Mom who is repeatedly told by a treatment industry that her child has a disease yet the cure is to let him sink until he is “forced” to get treatment. This is a ludicrous medical program. As a nurse I can’t help get confused.

In those moments; that some would call weakness; is a mom who loved this child for 8 1/2 months longer than his age…so 35 yrs.

And that’s ok, I don’t mind being called weak… because every day I get on the Mom groups and read of another heartbroken mother who got “The call”.

In those moments, I am filled with gratefulness that I have one more day, one more chance.
I never want my daughter to say to me, “God I just wish he’d pop on & ask for money just one more time”
Because if he’s gone he can’t ask for money… 😰

If he’s gone, we can’t hate him for having this disease,
If he’s gone we can’t get mad at the complete mess of chaos that his illness has brought into our little family & that his unwillingness to get help has caused even greater torment.

If he’s gone, I can’t have hope for a better tomorrow…

That tomorrow might be the day he asks for help…..

So I stay true to the current pain & inconvenience, holding what boundaries I can, & telling him every single day that I believe in him & love him.
💜💕💫💕💜

My sincere condolences to this who have lost their loved ones 💟

I’m Done

You’re done. Admit it, you’ve said it.

You’re done wishing things would get better.

You’re done with the lies, the empty promises.

You’re done putting out all the effort when there doesn’t seem to be any return on your investment. Speaking of money – it makes your head spin to think about it. Would you work at a job where you shed sweat, blood and guts not to mention mounds of tears and never get a paycheck?

Yet you keep doing it because- well that day might come when you get handed a check or a morsel of apology or a spark of things getting better; which you hang onto for dear life. You live for that day. It seems like your entire existence is spent on that moment.

And that’s why you say you’re done. That you’re tired. Tired of searching.

Searching for your magic solution. Just the right mix. Ya know? The right mix of being supportive and not doing that “E” word. But you’re so tired. You’ve said you’re done a million times. But we know you’re not. Because you have hope.

And faith.

The reward is just around the corner, you know it!

Over and over again. Like a little kid lost in a carnival looking for her parents. It’s scary and hard but you know the reward is coming. You’ll find them and they’ll be holding a big pink sweet sticky cotton candy and it will all be yours! So you continue. 

What are you losing meanwhile? What part of yourself are you missing?
Vika Strawberrika on unsplash

I know, with my own journey in this addiction; I woke up 2+ years later, 25 lbs overweight, a house full of junk & needing repairs and all my other relationships in need of attention. I didn’t know where the time went, yet it seemed like 20 years had passed too!

I had to take a good look at my quality of life and those around me. I had to figure out where my “project” ended and where I began. I had to be my own hero not everyone else’s.

The path to begin to do that is with self-compassion.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself the credit you’ve been secretly wanting from others. Or whatever reward you wanted.

Resolution, peace, even martyr status.

We all like a pat on the back. You’re human. We all want these things. But at what expense?

The key to not needing anything from others ( in theory) and from outside circumstances (& thereby letting them dictate your moods and life)  is to give what you are seeking to yourself, fully and without judgment. Throw yourself a party, but this time it’s not a pity party, it’s a job well deserving of all the effort regardless of the result.

So you can ‘be done’ if you want.  You can be done driving yourself crazy with worry. You can be done feeling empty with pain and torment. You can be done trying to control uncontrollable things.

You can set some limits such as turning off your phone at night so you can sleep. You can set limits on money or gas. You can develop coping skills such as active diversion when your thoughts start going to all or nothing thinking. 

You can learn coping skills. You can learn boundaries and limits. Join a zoom group NOT just a Facebook support group that wallows in victimhood and anguish which keeps you stuck in others’ behaviors and your lack of control. 

Just be sure to never set limits on love. Never let your emotions make you become cruel and vindictive. Blowing off steam onto those struggling may feel good in the moment since they appear to be the source of your pain but are they really?

The target of our rage usually isn’t the source. That may seem hard to believe, but when we become frustrated and upset, it’s our clue to step back and ask what is really bothering me? Most times it’s fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of losing our child. Fear that if we don’t make a stance then we will blame ourselves if something happens. “I tried and nothing worked, so I had to step away.” becomes our self justification to relieve any guilt that may arise. Or just plain old control of the outcome mantras such as “nothing changes if nothing changes” or you can’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.” these are great quotes FOR OURSELF, but not to control others. The truth is, you must do whatever is healthiest FOR YOU and if stepping away gets you back to yourself so you can be strong for others in your life– including those struggling then step away!! Rest. Lean. Just don’t stay there and become bitter. 

If we are going to be of any help to those who need it most, we have to be the healthier one and the best way to do that is give yourself self- compassion.