“Breathe, just breathe”.
That’s what I constantly hear myself saying these days.
In this political climate of the world today, it’s SO easy to find yourself in a sudden moment of anger, shock, and surprise at any and every new development.
It’s hard not to react and retort with a knee- jerk response. It’s hard to remember that you are no doubt going to waste your energy AND Not likely to change ANY minds.
Those of us in the business of momma hood find ourself in this predictament quite often.
“Pick your battles”
Is our war cry.
Those of us with a very loved one in active addiction live with this fear & panic daily.
As I stated in my Previous post on the pandemic, we are familiar with the daily shock without the “ahh”.
It’s amazing what happens when another human being ever so conveniently decides to cross your way in a not so positive manner.
Even if it’s one of your own ….
One minute everything’s fine, the next, you’re at the top of the highest roller coaster heading down to the depths of who knows where.
We find ourselves plunged head- first into a world that we were only vaguely aware of before.
What to do?
Most people, especially the “anon” groups tell you to detach with love. Unfortunately alot of their stories that I hear, feel more like detach with coldness and aloofness.
It goes against every mother- cell of survival and caretaking imaginable. That’s why we hang on for so long.
Sometimes too long. Until we are deficient & lacking energy, focus and hope. The very things people look toward us for.
We are the healers, the lovers, the make-it-all better-ers. We stay up all night just to make sure our babies don’t choke if they have breathing problems.
Over the years we fervently buy creams, vitamins, educational toys to make sure they develop normally. We worry if they are lacking anything that might cause their stuff esteem to plummet.
Now our babies are out there doing all sorts of self harm and damage to their precious bodies. We can’t think about it without cringing and feeling a deep sense of .. Failure? Or is it just sadness?
Yet we are told over and over again, “Let go” “Give it to God”. “Live your life.”
So we resort to…..
Appearing to”let go..
Appealing to God to take it…
And Attempting to live our life.
Because if we do anything other than that, we are punished for caring.
Twenty or thirty years ago we would be punished for not caring, for not giving our family everything they need and providing for their safety and comfort. But the minute they turn 18, OR the minute they are labeled “an addict”; we are judged as co-dependant.
Robert Weiss, in his Book Prodependance, squelches that diagnosis saying that it’s not abnormal to care about someone when your family is in crisis, whether that crisis be cancer or addiction.
It’s a comforting book full of validation for us suffering Mom’s.
But just because it’s not abnormal to care, doesn’t mean it’s healthy either. If you find yourself lost, feeling powerless, depressed and struggling to relate to anything and anyone, then you have a problem OTHER than your addicted loved one.
That’s when you need to decide: “Is this vile creature that has hijacked your beautiful child, going to have two victims or just one?”
That’s the question of the day for this mom of a person with a substance use disorder……