Tag: addiction

The Gift of Gratefulness

My little chihuahua watched with piercing concentration as I sat down to eat my breakfast one morning. Hope and anticipation filled his eyes as he wondered and thought about what delicious morsels I must be devouring without him. As I took a bite of my pancake, I dropped a piece for him. He sniffed it thoroughly and decided against tasting it. I continued on. The next bite was filled with syrup and melted butter, so I thought, maybe he would like a piece of that. I dropped a small piece of dripping sticky pancake knowing he would be both my broom and mop on the hardwood floor.

He sniffed it and nothing……

It wasn’t good enough.

Bandit

His taste buds were not geared for sweets like humans and he wanted no part of this meatless society.

I stared at his pleading face, as I looked over at his dog bowl which was full of dry dog food. I felt a God-like superiority over him as I analyzed how to best handle this 9-pound varment.

“Dude”, I said. ” you have a bowl full of water, a bowl full of food, and a sticky warm piece of flour and sugar right under your nose. Why aren’t you happy?”

I felt the irony in this statement before I even finished my sentence. Is this what God says to us?

Why aren't we happy?

Many studies, articles, and books address this in-depth. Millions and billions of dollars have been made trying to get us to find happiness. After years of self-help books, seminars, and searching among various forms of religions; I can truly say that happiness is only found within a place that none of these things can buy. Although I’m still convinced that if I were financially independent and secure, I could pursue this study 24/7 and get back to you on that 😘; it appears that by watching those who have immense wealth, it still isn’t enough. They are not satisfied. They seek higher positions of power and prestige. The balance between being content, having enough, and placating the human ego or the drive for more seems to be a hidden secret.

I do believe happiness is fleeting.

Moments of bliss, followed by disappointment. What more can we expect really? Do we want to be in a heightened state of euphoria always? As a mother of a person who uses drugs problematically; I can tell you what he has told me. He said this state of euphoria is so powerful that it keeps people stuck in the cycle of trying to find that peak again and again.

Are we any different? Our desires may not be illegal or reach the height of divorce, bankruptcy, jail or heaven forbid- death; but as I stated in this post, we all are just trying to fill our needs.

Of course, we should be grateful for any and every ounce of blissness we get. But what about our problems? Is there a way to be grateful for those?

When my kids were little, I know I worried like crazy with each little thing that “seemed” like a variant off of the beaten path. Like my substance use disorder son’s ADD. How hard for him to follow instructions and learn in the traditional school setting. But when he got put in the world and could do his own thing, he thrived. Until he, himself, wanted more. This video warmed my heart on that subject.

That little boy who seemed so out of sync with “others” had a power and talent all his own. Don’t we all? Just because we don’t fit into someone else box. Or just because someone’s journey (or recovery) isn’t going as fast as we want, or the direction we want.

Today I’m in complete gratefulness. My son has been in rehab for one week. That might not seem like a big deal but considering it’s what I’ve prayed for-for 2 years, it’s a miracle! The other strange thing is for the 30+ rehabs I have searched and written to in the last 2 years, my son ended up in one just a few miles from my house. I didn’t plan that but ultimately I’m grateful. The first few nights I tossed and turned worried he would show up at my door having walked out, but now I’m just taking of day by day. When he went in, I tried to give him one of these blue bracelets that states:

One Day At A Time

But he said that was “too rehab-ey”. Oh, that boy. My rehab-resistant but trying- his- hardest boy. I’m grateful for any scraps of pancakes or any scraps of willingness I can get.

The cherry on top – (or syrup & butter) will be when my son finds his happiness and his bliss- without substances of course. 

May we all find our peace and our fleeting moments of happiness
✨💝✨

Defining Enabling for Ourselves

I usually avoid using the word ‘Enabling‘ because of the broad definition of it’s meaning and because of the negative connotations. I still believe that no one else can “decide” for someone else what enabling is. Each situation is so unique that I believe it’s a disservice to assess a situation based on one paragraph in a support group.

Of course we all learn as we go. There is really no other way to navigate through this maze of addiction or any other debilitating situation that renders the person unable to manage their life. To leave them floundering in their chaos just doesn’t seem right to me. Although I don’t support my son while in active addiction, I will support any and all things recovery.

I like this article from Nova Recovery with whom I have no affiliation with- because it lays out most of the facts surrounding helping with addiction. There are always unique situations and no one knows your particular one. I do have trouble with “Don’t act out of fear” because of the increased risk of death or long term prison sentences.

I also don’t like the last paragraph lol.

Tell me what you think.

The Enabling Cycle: When Helping isn’t Helping

Nova Recovery Center | Posted on June 1, 2016

Drug addiction does not discriminate, it doesn’t care if your rich or poor, famous or unknown, a man or woman, it doesn’t care what race or age you are. Many people can relate first hand to the effects of the drug epidemic in America, and parents are crying out with pleas of help. Everyone connected to the person abusing drugs can and will get hurt, husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, babies, other family members and friends.

Drug addiction doesn’t only hurt the user, but everyone else connected to him or her also. Substance abuse and addiction is a very serious problem for many people. The 2012 National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that, in the year before the survey, more than 23 million people needed treatment for substance abuse. However, only 2.5 million received drug treatment. Even more staggering 21.5 million of them reported that they saw no need to seek help. This figure suggests that many people are in denial about the severity of their substance abuse.

The reason behind this denial are complex, but one common reason is enabling. This means that someone close to the user is accepting their substance abuse and allowing it to continue with relatively few consequences. Enabling can be extremely dangerous, both for drug user and their loved ones. Since enabling discourages users from addressing their problem with professional help, it can lead to situations that cause physical, mental and psychological harm.

dssaaaa

Enabling protects them from the consequences of their choices and actions. The more you let them depend on you and take you for granted, the less motivated they are to change. Most enablers start off doing a nice thing for the drug user, usually something to help them out. They always have the best intentions and fully believe they’re helping, but they fail to realize that drug users are selfish and use manipulation to get what they want. The enabler enables because it gives them a false sense of self and makes them feel needed. They also feel control over the other person (through guilt) by helping them. However, they ironically still end up feeling resentful, frustrated, or unappreciated. Thus starting the cycle of enabling which can be extremely difficult to break. In my recent years of working in the addiction field, I’ve come to understand deeply the effects of enabling on the user and the enabler. Here is an example chart of the cycle of enabling.

Other examples of enabling are:

  • Ignoring the addict’s negative or potentially dangerous behavior – This behavior can involve anything from overlooking problems to denying that a problem even exists
  • Difficulty expressing emotions – Enablers are often unsure how to express their feelings, especially if there are negative repercussions for doing so
  • Prioritizing the addict’s needs before her own – While it is natural to want to help loved ones, enabling takes helping a step too far, where the addict has her needs taken care of while the enabler neglects her own
  • Acting out of fear – Since addiction can cause frightening events, the enabler will do whatever it takes to avoid such situations
  • Lying to others to cover the addict’s behavior – An enabler will lie to keep the peace and to present a controlled, calm exterior
  • Blaming people or situations other than the addict – To protect the addict from the consequences of drug abuse, the enabler might accuse other people of causing drug abuse
  • Resenting the addict – The result of the above behaviors is that the enabler will likely feel angry and hurt. She may act on these feelings by resenting the addict all while continuing to enable the addiction.

Breaking The Cycle of Enabling.

While enabling can be a serious problem for everyone involved with addiction, it is completely possible to break the enabling cycle so the addict can heal in productive, meaningful ways. Here are some suggestions to help someone stop enabling:

  • Don’t lie for anyone. Don’t be the parent or wife who gets on the phone and says her husband or son is sick when he’s hungover or using.
  • Don’t make excuses for others when they don’t fulfill their obligations.
  • Don’t clean up after a substance abuser. They should see the damage they’ve done and the chaos they’ve caused.
  • Be accountable for your bills only. If you’re not responsible for it, don’t pay it. Especially when dealing with consequences that addicts create. Don’t bail them out of jail, unless they want drug treatment help.
  • Stand up for yourself. You don’t have to be mean, but you do have to put your foot down. Setting and creating healthily boundaries allows you to gain your own life back.
  • Don’t rescue. A person must suffer the consequences of their actions. Which means don’t pay for lawyers or post bail. Many enablers turn from helping to saving and recusing quickly. Soon all of their thoughts and actions surround only the user, and they’re missing out on their own life.
  • Stop trying to fix everybody. You’re not a magician and you’re not God. Work on yourself. Get the support of friends, family members and counselors. Join Al-Anon or some other 12-step program. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from hurting somebody else with your notion of helping.

Real love for somebody is being able to step back and allow them to suffer enough to recognize their need to change.

Who’s To Blame?

Repost from February 2021

Ahh who’s to blame for the opioid epidemic? Notwithstanding personal responsibility, of course, but It’s easy to blame the Sacklers and the physicians for pushing it all those years ago. All for-profit as they seem to have zero remorse. But some people, prefer to blame “the enabler” for another’s addiction.

According to some current trends, us mom’s fit that label.

This tears my heart out because most of (or some of) my addiction uneducated (& unhealed) family, pretty much blame me for our addicted loved one for not choosing recovery. It’s a ridiculous unnecessary concept that I would be responsible for my son’s behavior.

It’s as if a very thick line has to be drawn for team X and team Y.
These people are all as deeply traumatized as I am about my son’s fall into addiction.
He was the family hero, leader & (I assume) they all just think it’s a matter of willpower on his part and his willpower would be higher if I didn’t do x & z ?

In reality, I hardly do anything for him, but they haven’t taken the time to actually talk to me about it. He’s the never mentioned elephant in the room who’s hasn’t been in the room for going on 2 years……
They have all shunned him & refuse to even talk to him- mostly because, yes, once every few months he does ask for money, or he will ask my sons for a business tool, etc… Which is denied.
So, as you can see, there’s a lot of burned
Bridges, hurt feelings, betrayal, abandonment… Everything that goes along with addiction.
And somehow, Moms are supposed to fix all that?

"If mom would just quit helping him", he would shape up.

Bottom line. My son is very very ill. He’s so incredibly stubborn and very ADD- which makes it all the worse. He’s still very ill.
He is also still my hero because even as an addict he has treated me better than most of my family.
This is why I’m so sensitive to all the enabling posts seen on support groups. My son is still a human, a struggling one. He has lost over 100 lbs. He still has nothing to his name. No car, no tools, yet still will go and pour a little driveway with great pride. (He used to run 3 businesses)
I love Resurrektion of Me on IG because her posts on people deserving of basic needs despite them doing things we don’t agree with-hits home to me right now.

If tough love worked, my son should be better by now. If caring and emotionally supporting him is a reason to stay in addiction then I guess I am the cause.

Bless us all🥰

Pink Beaches in Utah

As I stood on the bank of the large lake just 35 minutes from my house; I gazed out at the pristine waters that spread from east to west. The barren brown mountain to the north was a stark contrast to the bluish Oquirrh mountains beyond the sparkling water.

I walked toward the water, expecting to feel squishy sand on the beach. Instead, I felt the hardened salt crystals stand their ground under the weight of my sandals. The only sound to be heard was the crunching of the salty “ice” under our feet.

The breeze was salty too, as if to not be left out. The crisp fall air that I had distinctly felt the last few days was noticeably gone- likely retreating back to its summer hibernation and graciously allowing the hot summer sun to have one more day of service.

My husband and I were on the shores of the Great Salt Lake, the largest natural lake west of the Mississippi River and the largest salt water lake in the western hemisphere- according to visitSaltLake.com.

The pink water on this particular side, are due to the millions of brine shrimp which are {tiny} aquatic creatures called brine shrimp, they eat algae instead of grass, and there are about 17 trillion of them”.

Atlas Obscura
"The brine shrimp are grazing crustaceans, surviving on a diet of algae that grows in Utah’s Great Salt Lake. They reproduce by laying hardy eggs called cysts, which survive over the winter and hatch each spring to restart the population. Brine shrimp cysts have been harvested there for decades—it’s a $67 million-a-year industry that supplies food for fish farms around the world—and since 1992...."-Atlas Obscura
Photo Credit

The brine shrimp bring back a fond memory from my childhood. Remember the sea monkeys ads?

I remember the sheer curiosity and novelty of these mysterious little “people”, not knowing that they were “made” right in my own state. I’m positive I tried ordering them more than once, patiently waiting the 4-6 weeks for delivery.

Our pink shrimp adventure was one of many weekend jaunts we took in the beautiful mountains and deserts surrounding our city and state. But this one was different.

This time, I didn’t have to force myself to not think of my son.

I didn’t have to wonder if he survived the night. I didn’t have to wonder if he was in Vegas getting shot at.

I didn’t have to wonder if this mountain, or desert, or landmark would be the one where they call me to tell me my son passed away.

Although no days are promised to any of us, this time, I knew my son was relatively safe.

This time, after a series of miracles, my son was inside a rehab, (hopefully) starting his final journey of recovery.

It’s been almost 2 years since he entered his first and only rehab. He went out of state after a family intervention, just like you see on TV. He did ok there, despite it being a bit scammy. He made it 72 days clean.

The last 2 years have left me and those close to him, swimming in darkness as we struggled to understand the terrifying grip this disease has on him. But just like the brine shrimp above-their brine eggs remain viable in dry conditions for several years- because of desiccation tolerance; my son was being preserved in his “drought”.

"Desiccation tolerance refers to the ability of an organism to withstand or endure extreme dryness, or drought-like conditions. This means that physiological or behavioral adaptations to withstand these periods are necessary to ensure survival". source

Oh how my heart would weep at what conditions my sons life was in, at his little kids’ left behind and in the real possibilities of harm or loss of his freedom that awaited. I would weep in joy at others’s successes, then turn to sorrow that my son & our family was still struggling.

Little did I know that like the brine shrimp eggs in drought, or in their normal cold winter; those seeds of hope and love were being nourished in my son in the form of faith that he could pull through his “drought” period.

Yesterday, after not seeing my beautiful boy for 16 months-my husband and I embarked on another adventure- a midnight trek- driving 800 miles that ended in the sheer joy of watching my son walk willingly into a rehab and say: Thank you.

I know that nothing is promised. Many would say that this doesn’t mean anything. Addicts go through rehabs like Cars in McDonald’s drive-through. But my son is very rehab-resistant (for that very reason) and his rock bottom is as deep as the sea. He acclimates to every new level of condition that this life style has thrown at him. So to see the willingness of him to go through the door of the rehab, makes this mama’s heart soar. 

May we all find joy in the present. In the beauty of now. Whatever droughts we have been through to whatever the future holds; may we offer Seeds of Hope and Love to all those around us.

I hope you enjoy my pictures.

Going To Rehab While On Parole

ByNova Recovery Center – with home I have no affiliation with. |Posted on July 3, 2019

inmate in a cell

The legal consequences of drug abuse can vary greatly, but most often, drug offenders are sentenced with hefty fines, probation, or are sent to jail immediately, especially if they have a history of prior arrests. However, going to rehab while on probation can be extremely beneficial, and for individuals on parole, it may even be necessary.

Even under the best conditions and circumstances, starting over after spending time in jail can be difficult. Many people on parole may have difficulties finding employment due to a lack of education, skills, or criminal history. Others may have mental and/or physical health problems that interfere with their ability to reintegrate into society after being in prison. And many individuals who get out of prison are also struggling with drug and alcohol addiction, with little to no recovery support.

Adjusting to adjust to life outside of jail while attempting to live a crime-free and drug-free life is a complex process that requires ongoing support and rehabilitation. A drug and alcohol rehab program can offer a wealth of benefits for people who are on probation, parole, or who are trying to turn over a new leaf after being released from prison.

While many drug offenders are incarcerated following a DUI, DWI, or other drug-related crime, it’s not impossible to get a fresh start after being released from jail. If you’ve been released from prison on parole or you’ve been sentenced to probation and you’re looking for a drug rehab program that will help you begin your new sober life, here’s what you need to know.

Probation and Parole for DUI, DWI, and Other Drug-Related Crimes

Substance abuse and crime are known to be interconnected, with many criminal offenses stemming from addictive behaviors. Although addiction is recognized as a chronic disease that affects behavior and impulse control, many criminal offenders who commit drug-related crimes serve lengthy prison sentences and get out of jail only to pick up where they left off and end up back in jail. In fact, research shows half of all jail inmates are reincarcerated within three years of being released.1

The challenges of adjusting to life outside of jail and maintaining a drug-free lifestyle can be overwhelming for many people who are on parole or who served a full sentence and were recently released from prison. However, there are alternatives to incarceration for drug offenders, one of which is drug court.

People who commit drug-related crimes often end up in drug court, where they are given the opportunity to enter a long-term addiction treatment program instead of going to jail.2 Court-ordered rehab gives them the chance to address the underlying issue (substance abuse) and learn how to live a fulfilling, crime-free life while providing much-needed support.

For criminal offenders who are on parole following an early release from jail, drug rehab may seem like a violation of parole conditions, but enrollment in rehab is often encouraged in the event of a relapse or recurrence of symptoms and can help drug offenders prioritize their recovery while they adjust to life on the outside.

What Are the Benefits of Parole Rehabilitation Programs for Addiction?

The purpose of parole is to help prison inmates re-enter society successfully and avoid becoming a re-offender. This is a great option for inmates who are motivated to change after being released from prison. Additionally, it’s also great for taxpayers, as parole in Texas costs $4 per day per offender and incarceration costs $50.3

Although parole supervision at the end of a prison term reduces the likelihood of future arrest, the Urban Institute study found that drug offenders do not typically benefit from parole supervision.3 In these cases, an addiction treatment program is much more likely to provide the support drug offenders need to maintain their sobriety and successfully reintegrate back into society.

Just a few of the primary benefits of drug rehab for people on parole include:

  • A focus on relapse prevention and management
  • Life skills development
  • Opportunities to engage in healthy relationships with sober people
  • Active engagement in a recovery program
  • Access to safe and sober housing
  • Trauma-informed therapy for self-esteem and identity issues
  • Employment and volunteer assistance4

Not only are there many great benefits of attending rehab while on parole, but coming clean and enrolling in a drug rehab program can also show your parole officer and the judge that you’re serious about changing your life and that you’re willing to put in the hard work to get it done.Talk to a Treatment Expert – (512) 520-0255FREE INSURANCE VERIFICATION & CONSULTATIONName *FirstLastEmail *Phone *Your Messagehttps://newassets.hcaptcha.com/captcha/v1/b1129b9/static/hcaptcha-checkbox.html#id=0cf2r1jb9o0g&host=novarecoverycenter.com&sentry=true&reportapi=https%3A%2F%2Faccounts.hcaptcha.com&recaptchacompat=true&custom=false&tplinks=on&sitekey=fa544d83-6542-40db-96cb-624850045369&theme=lightGet Help!

Can I Go to Rehab While on Probation?

Yes. Going to rehab on probation is often highly encouraged by judges and other law enforcement professionals who work in probation and parole departments. In recent years, the legal system has begun to change the handling of drug-related criminal arrests and sentencing. As such, court-ordered drug rehab is now much more common than it used to be. This is great news for addicted individuals who would prefer to be sent to an addiction treatment center rather than jail.

However, if you are on probation and you want to go to rehab, you should maintain ongoing communication with your probation officer and keep the limitations of your probation in mind, as any violation could have serious consequences such as immediate arrest or jail time.

For example, if you violate the terms of your probation and use drugs or bring them with you to the rehab center, the staff will be required to report this to your probation officer and you will immediately be sent to jail.

Before you commit to rehab while on probation, you should speak with your probation officer first to get permission. Most often, the probation officer and a judge will need to sign a few documents that you will need to take with you to the addiction treatment center. This is especially true if the facility is located outside of the state where you have been sentenced to probation.

What to Expect From a Rehab Program While on Probation or Parole

If you’re on parole and you’re suffering from addiction, communicating honestly with your parole officer about going to rehab may be the best choice. Going to rehab after prison may not be your idea of “freedom,” but it will provide you with the tools you need to prevent relapse and avoid going back to jail for violating the conditions of your parole.

Many people who enroll in rehab while they are on parole, but it’s completely understandable if you don’t know where or how to start looking for help. Once you communicate with your parole officer about your substance abuse problems, he or she may be able to refer you to a drug therapist or rehab program.

Depending on your circumstances and your treatment needs, there are several different types of rehab options that may cater to your individual situation, including:

Regardless of what type of drug rehab program you participate in or which rehab center you choose, you will still need to abide by the conditions of your parole while you are enrolled in rehab. This means you’ll need to report to your parole officer regularly, not break the law, and agree to law enforcement searches of your vehicle, home, and personal possessions, among other common conditions of parole.5

While you are in treatment, your counselors and/or therapists may also communicate with your parole officer to provide updates on your treatment progress. The rehab center may also send the results of all your drug tests to your parole officer as evidence of your ongoing sobriety.

Although there will likely be some behind-the-scenes work that makes it possible for you to attend detox, rehab, or sober living while on parole, this shouldn’t affect your treatment experience negatively.

Intensive Outpatient Programs (IOP) on Parole or Probation

IOP (intensive outpatient program) is a type of outpatient drug rehab program that provides structured group treatment sessions and evidence-based therapies to help individuals maintain their sobriety and adjust to sober life outside of an inpatient setting. IOP offers a high level of support and structure to decrease the likelihood of relapse, boost self-confidence in sobriety, and address physical or psychological issues in recovery.

At Nova Recovery Center, IOP is a robust treatment program that consists of three group sessions per week for a total of eight weeks. Treatment sessions primarily focus is on life skills, relapse prevention, and peer support, with group discussions covering a variety of topics, including:

  • Social skills
  • Restructuring thoughts
  • Family dynamics
  • The science of addiction
  • Problem-solving

Intensive outpatient programs are an excellent treatment option for people on parole, as they provide comprehensive treatment with the flexibility to continue working, going to school, or maintaining other personal responsibilities and commitments.

Going to Rehab After Prison: The Start of a New Beginning

Going to rehab after prison or while you’re on parole is an excellent opportunity to start fresh and change your life. In rehab, you’ll gain the tools and life skills necessary to establish and maintain a healthy, sober lifestyle in recovery and hopefully, never see the inside of a jail cell again.

“But You’re Still On Something”

Sober Steve Recovery

When it comes to trying to get off of heroin, actually it’s fentanyl now, well, let’s say, opiates, because it’s all the same really. I have tried pretty much everything so when it comes to opiate maintenance drugs like methadone, suboxone, vivitrol, sublocade and subutex, yes, I not only tried them all, I have been prescribed them all. Since the first time I tried using methadone pills “met pills” is what the streets called  them then, all the way to the sublocade shot that I use now.

As people who are addicted to opiates for extended periods of time we really mess up our brains and pain receptors, as well as the pleasure receptors.

I never sucked a dick for suboxone. The brain addicted to heroin is much different than a normal brain. Being addicted to heroin, and crack and meth are similar, the drug becomes the complete and only obsession. Only thing on the addictions mind is the drug. I say addictions mind, because as someone that was addicted to drugs, I hated the word addict, well and junkie, cause there is much more to us than the drug addiction.

The purpose of the opiate maintenance drugs is not to transfer addictions, but to control that part of the brain that was so damaged. The maintenance allows for the addicted to live a normal life.

I really did try to get clean the same year I started using heroin, that was 2008. Life could have been much different but then I wouldn’t have all of this awesome information for everyone. I did buy the methadone and suboxone off the streets, and did use subutex illicitly in a rehab environment. That is a valid point, but I also was prescribed all five of the maintenance drugs and luckily for me because the vivitrol is a shot in my ass and the sublocade is a subcutaneous shot in the abdomen. The first time I tried to get clean through a rehab place was 2011, shows how long I tried on my own and just could not get it. But I left the detox facility and was prescribed suboxone.

Initially suboxone worked well, it does help with the cravings but I was not doing much work that was useful for my recovery. I was prescribed 16mg a day originally, which is and 8 in the morning and an 8 at night, but as I recently found out; a lot of factors go into this. Diet, exercise, weight, and not taking it at exactly the same time all contribute to the buprenorphine which is the active opioid flooding the brain in waves so I would still wake up really sick, or feel nauseous. Suboxone was the one I bought the most off of the streets and the one that I knew would work to get through detox in the short term. I went to the ER from my primary doctors office when I got clean for the last time. Per the primary doctor the ER flooded me with about 32mg of suboxone to tone down how sick I was. Mind you that I puked for about 96 hours straight even after all of that. I was viciously dope sick. I was prescribed suboxone since 6 months before I got clean but I would sell my subs or I would sell my subs. LOL, That was really the most difficult part at first, I wanted to use, so there was that, and I could sell a lot of them, still use, and still have subs when I couldn’t get high. Even trying the suboxone the correct way I would get sick and having the option to take it or not everyday.

At the same time that I was deciding I want to be able to use when I want to but also I want to be able to not be sick when I don’t use. LOL. That was my idea of a perfect world back then. I decided to switch from suboxone to methadone at the clinic. No longer was I going to the suboxone clinic, now like Kid Rock, I was waiting in line at the methadone clinic. The methadone was a liquid dose that I would have to drink everyday, that was whatever and it did work. But I also could just get high on heroin on top of it. I started shooting my take home Sunday dose. I got one take home dose a week and by Monday morning I was sick. Methadone is bad for your tooth enamel and it is bad for your bones. Some people are on it and it saved them, and I think that is great. Sometimes the minor side effects from the methadone are better than being dead from heroin, so I never tell anyone to stop something that is working for them, if it is really working and only they know that. I was only at 50mg of methadone and the detox was horrible and long and it is really like two weeks of hell. I used heroin to detox off of methadone and then detoxing off of the heroin was easier. Either way, I never liked going to the clinics everyday and those programs are optional and for a lot of people having that option is not good for us. During a few of my detox and rehab center stays towards the middle of my use I would ask for subutex instead of suboxone.

Made mostly for pregnant women, subutex is suboxone without the naloxone. The naloxone in the suboxone acts as an opiate blocker. The user can no longer feel the effects of using an opiate because of the naloxone. It is also the main drug in Narcan, the life saving nasal spray or injection, that everyone should have, to reverse overdoses. The active opiate in subutex and suboxone is the buprenorphine and it is used for pain and to curve cravings. I would ask for it because it did not have the blocker we could technically abuse it and of course I was always still trying to get high. However, I am not totally sure about the science behind giving subutex to pregnant women but I think if the baby is born addicted, it’s a quicker detox process if the baby is just on the subutex. I was prescribed it a few times at the detox centers I was at but they quickly realized why I asked for subutex so towards the last 5 years I really was trying to get useful tools out of treatment instead of just using it as a pit stop to get healthy for more drugs.

In 2016 I had my car stolen and was in a high speed chase in the same week. Needless to say it was a bad May but after I bailed out in August I jumped right into treatment and they had recommended the vivitrol shot. In my ass, now mind you, vivitrol is from 2006 and was developed for alcohol dependence treatment but they found out it blocks opiate use. I was in outpatient treatment but I was also scared because I was out on bail, still with the vivitrol, I did not relapse before I was sentenced to jail time. Now out on Huber, I did relapse, so maybe I should have pushed harder for the jail to keep me on the shot. That was the first time on vivtrol, the second time was after my first overdose, there were 4 total, but after the first one February 20th, 2019, I was clean long enough to get the vivitrol shot, which was rare. The one receiving the vivitrol shot has to be opiate free for 7 to 10 days, they use to say 14 days, but most people that are struggling with addiction, that is not enough time. Anyway, besides that factor with the vivitrol, I started it in February of that year and by May I was depressed and felt suicidal which never had happened to me before that. I knew I could not use heroin so I started smoking way too much crack. That was changing addictions. I got off the vivitrol around July and by the end of August I quit the crack which was what I was hoping would happen. Again though, I was off drugs but I was not doing any work to stay clean.

Getting off the drugs for a little bit is not enough for most of us to stay clean. A lot of us need help with every part of our lives when we get clean. I think using sublocade is the best route for when it comes to being able to stay clean but also focus on other things. Sublocade is a subcutaneous once a month shot that they give me in my stomach. It kind of burns going in but then it’s fine after a few seconds. The sublocade does not have the peaks and valleys of sick feeling that I got when taking a daily medication. The sublocade releases an even dose of suboxone and getting the shot once a month is nice for me and everyone that worries about whether or not I took my medication that day. The shot may have some first month side effects where your body is just adjusting but I mellowed out the second month and then the third month they lower the dose. I have been able to live a normal life on each one of the medications.

I always hate when people who are not educated say “you’re just substituting one drug for another.” I never had a heroin prescription. Fun fact, Bayer, you know the apsirin people, their first product was Bayer Heroin. I have been prescribed and medically monitored on the treatment plans and was able to live a much different life then the one I lived on heroin, well fentanyl. Because the heroin we think we are buying is actually just cut fentynal. It’s hardly even heroin at all anymore. 

These treatment programs are not substituting one drug for another. The trade off for a normal life is very much worth it.

‘But you’re still on something’ I hear all the time. To that I say 90% of the population is on some kind of medication, or smokes cigarettes or, drinks caffeine or drinks alcohol. Those are all psychoactive drugs. The trade off for a normal life is worth it.

Trying all of the opiate maintenance treatment programs was not the plan, I just kept trying to do the next thing that I thought would work. I also was not afraid to try the program again. I tried suboxone a lot of times thinking I could just “do it myself” and I did do it myself for the most part, but I had to use a team of people to help guide me, I used everything I learned in 13 years of using, treatment and rehab, I really did try it all, and I have been through it all. Really is amazing that I am even still alive. It takes a team of support to help heal the addicted mind but with the right medications, treatment and guidance, We do recover. 

Published by SoberSteveRecovery

(I have no affiliation or guarantee of services)

My Son Is Healed

He Just Doesn’t Know It Yet

Normally on days like this, I have many triggers regarding my son and the ripple effect his addiction has had to our family.

But today is different.

Today, I choose faith. Not HOPE, but pure faith. I’m not dissing hope. I’ve relied on it for months, years even. There’s nothing wrong with hope. Hope that things will get better, is what I believe keeps people from sinking into an abyss of depression at times.

I’m going to get very vulnerable here. When or ‘because’ hope hasn’t seemed to give me relief lately; I’ve been begging and bargaining with God to take my life in exchange for my son’s complete recovery AND my family to be healed especially for my son’s relationship with his kids to be healed.

(I know, I’m always trying to squeeze in an extra wish, but I figured I could get a 3 for 1 since they are all inter-related)

I also know this sounds very extreme. Before you suggest I go to a meeting and do self- care, thank you for the suggestion. It is what it is, I come to this place with much love and clarity have done a lot of self work. I’m not very well versed spiritually, or even strong in my faith but I believe in asking for help.

So, today I asked a prophetic dreams group that’s run by a lady I met at a moms retreat, what prayers I should be chanting to facilitate my desire to fruition.

If this STILL sounds too weirded out, sorry. Desperate times call for desperate measures. My son is in jail on for his the second time this year in his 4th week. As stated in my previous whining posts, its been a roller coaster ride. And not the new flashy, sexy roller coaster, but the old wooden, creaky, break-down-at-any moment roller coaster (where they would casually say: “You knew the risk” if you were to get hurt).

So putting my question to a group of potentially spiritually-in-tune people was a desperate measure also. The answers I received, however, changed my perspective. This is a summation of what they said:

STOP trying to make deals with GOD! STOP immediately because deals are only made with the devil.
God ONLY wants Love & faith from you that he already sent his son to die for all our sins.

You can’t pay or bargain with God!

If you ask for healing you have to believe you have it, whether you see it yet or not, that’s the true test, do not confess what “is wrong with them” instead speak that they are healed.

Thank God that they are healed by his stripes, that he bore their sickness, thank him OUT LOUD for each promise, it could take a few months or sooner but stick with it everyday, do not let other people confess so called diagnosis over your loved ones in distress, either.

I start now.

I start calling my son into healing. I’m through letting him slide back into an excuse to blame the devil or some other entity. Evil can be fought. And if he can’t see it or say it, I will be his voice. He still has to be the one to do the work and to first DECIDE to do the work. So through the jail message system I sent my first born incarcerated son this message of not only HOPE but of FAITH.

"Your potential is not measured by your surroundings in the moment, but by the quiet moments of your heart. Where you ache deeply for your family and kids. Where your shame has pushed you into places and spaces that smothered you into numbness.

Whatever it is that pushed you into those conditions you're in; whether it was a society who said you wasn’t worthy of getting well; or your own spiral into self- defeat; you can come back.

Anytime, come back.

You’re needed. You’re wanted.

It might not seem like it.
We might be scared and worried at first, but it’s only because we care. We have been conditioned to fear the worst. So have you. That’s why it horrifies you to think of being that person you were before. After all – those were the days you needed to escape from. The stress and pressure of expectations and disappointment were off the charts some days.

What if you fail again?
Oh but my son, what if you don’t?
What if the last half or more of your life is filled with unbelievable joy? What if your kids and grandkids are gathered around you to hear your war stories? Not real war, but your days of the drug war. You won’t glamorize it, like alcohol is. You will tell the cold hard truth. You will tell those precious souls that evil starts small. With a thought. A nudge. A risk. A desire for something more. You will tell them not to be afraid or embarrassed to admit their concerns. If they are in over their head, it’s the right thing to do to seek help.

Come back.
So much love awaits you.

Please pray for mercy from the courts for my sons case Thursday- that he will be allowed to get help not locked up – prolonging his treatment. Thank you.

Recovery Tools

12 Useful Alexa Skills for Addiction Recovery

Nova Recovery Center | Posted on August 19, 2019

12 Useful Alexa Skills for Addiction Recovery

If you own an Amazon Echo smart speaker, you have access to dozens of great sobriety maintenance tools you may not even know about. Whether you’re new to recovery or you’ve been sober for several months or years, these skills can add an extra layer of support to your sobriety journey. Here are some of the most useful Alexa skills for people in recovery.

sober now alexa skill

1. Sober Now

Sober Now offers four different sobriety tools wrapped up into one Alexa app. Get inspirational quotes, realistic self-care tips, interesting statistics on addiction and recovery, and relatable podcast episodes that will work together to help you keep your sobriety top of mind daily. With useful tips and powerful advice, this Alexa App is an all-encompassing tool that will help you stay motivated and prevent relapse.

headspace alexa skill

2. Headspace: Guided Meditation for Everybody 

This skill from Headspace is particularly helpful if you want to incorporate meditation into your sober daily routine. Use it daily to learn how to meditate and live mindfully with consistent practice. Complete with a sleep exercise to help you wind down at the end of the day, Headspace can help you manage stress, focus, and be happier with guided meditation.

sobriety birthday alexa skill

3. Sobriety Birthday

If you like to keep track of your days sober and count down to your sobriety birthday, this Alexa skill is for you! Sobriety Birthday allows you to easily count down to your special day by telling you exactly how many days remain in the countdown. This is a great way to stay motivated and remember all the progress you’ve made.

make me smile alexa skill

4. Make Me Smile

Some sober days will be easier than others, but if you’re feeling particularly down or depressed, you can simply ask Alexa to make you smile and she’ll give you plenty of reasons to feel hopeful and happy. The Make Me Smile Alexa app is a great instant pick-me-up for those dark gloomy days in recovery.

alcoholics anonymous alexa skill

5. Alcoholics Anonymous

Looking for a local Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting in your area? The Alcoholics Anonymous Alexa skill can help you find the next available meeting and offer additional meeting times and options if you need it. You can also ask Alexa when your next meeting is to receive a reminder of the date and time. An additional perk: this skill rewards you with virtual sobriety chips as you earn them!

sleep sounds alexa skill

6. Sleep Sounds: Rain Sounds

Insomnia is common among people in recovery, but the Sleep Sounds Alexa skill can help you get a good night’s rest. This skill provides relaxing, ambient sounds that loop for an hour, including rain sounds, fireplace sounds, ocean sounds, white noise, thunderstorm sounds, café sounds, and more.

recovery speakers alexa skill

7. Recovery Speakers from Alcoholics Anonymous

Hearing someone else talk about their recovery journey can be extremely powerful and motivating, especially if you’re new to recovery. With the Recovery Speakers from Alcoholics Anonymous app, you can listen to random Alcoholics Anonymous speakers talk about their journey from addiction to recovery by simply saying, “Alexa, open Recovery Speakers.”

emotionally sober mind sober skill

8. Emotionally Sober Mind

Learning how to feel your emotions and manage them without drugs or alcohol can be challenging. The Emotionally Sober Mind skill helps you accept your emotions as they come and fully experience them without letting them take over completely. When paired with therapy or counseling, this Alexa skill might just be life-changing.

senenity prayer alexa skill

9. The Serenity Prayer

A simple but effective Alexa skill, the Serenity Prayer will lead you through the complete serenity prayer for 12-Step support groups. Whether you’re new to the 12-Step Program or you’d just like to hear the words spoken aloud, this Alexa skill can easily be integrated into your daily morning or evening routine.

yoga music alexa skill

10. Yoga Music

The Yoga Music Alexa app provides an hour-long background track of calming, peaceful music for your yoga practice. Stay calm, focused, and centered while you practice your yoga and forget about searching through endless Spotify playlists to find the perfect one.

talk me down alexa skill

11. Talk Me Down

Having someone to talk you down off a ledge is helpful if you feel like you’re about to use or have a drink. If your sponsor is unavailable and you can’t get ahold of another trusted support person, the Alexa Talk Me Down app can provide a timely and supportive message of courage when you need it most.

my mindful journal alexa skill

12. My Mindful Journal

If you’d like to get into the habit of journaling regularly but you don’t know what to write about, the My Mindful Journal Alexa app can help. This skill provides insightful prompts and questions to help you reflect on everyday moments in your day-to-day life. The best thing? After using this skill for a while, you’ll likely find that you can write in your mindfulness journey with any prompts or questions!

-From Nova Recovery Center– which I have no affiliation with or guarantee of services.

Alcohol Use Disorder

The effects of alcohol can be misleading as it’s often called, “a slow form of suicide”.

As I’ve stated in many of my posts, alcohol is much more accepted than illicit drugs, making it seem as if it is less dangerous.

Since prohibition was lifted in 1932, alcohol has caused extreme heartache and millions of deaths, despite being legalized. Not that I am a fan of prohibition, heavens NO! I’m just always surprised at how accepted it is until a drinker crosses the line of being unable to control themselves, then they are shamed as much as a drug user.

The marketing for alcohol is insane! It’s easy to see why it sometimes gets a free ride since there were 253 million in sales in 2019 alone- according to New Leaf Detox & Treatment center in California.

The video above and the next section are from – New Leaf Detox which I have no affiliation with or verification of services, but they have a lot of great information on their website.

"The industry spends a further $42 million annually lobbying state legislatures and donating to members of Congress. More than 300 professional lobbyists for the industry work in Washington DC. The result is the complicity of politicians, who otherwise oppose illicit drugs, pontificate about opioid addiction, and rave about punishing drug traffickers with the death penalty.-


ALCOHOL USE DISORDER

The Pervasive Addiction

Alcohol Use Disorder or AUD is indiscriminate in its demographic reach, affecting people of all races, age, social and economic class, education, and gender, due to the singular reason that it, unlike other drugs, is legal. Its legal status accords tolerance to drinking and normalizes and erases the stigma of overconsumption. It is viewed as a glue for social bonding and fellowship, and as a ritual to mark celebrations including healthy, wholesome activities such as sports. Drinking is so ingrained and socially acceptable in our culture, that those who abstain from alcohol are the ones considered different and unconventional.

As alcohol manufacturers and purveyors actively market their products to persuade and convert non-drinkers to use alcohol, the number of Americans afflicted with AUD has risen. Alcoholism ranks behind nicotine as America’s leading addiction. Those most susceptible to the lures of alcohol are youth between the ages of 14 to 24.

AUD is a persistent, progressive disorder marked by an overpowering compulsion to use alcohol, an inability to control the amount consumed, and the necessity to drink to feel emotionally stable and positive. Afflicted individuals feel powerless to cease drinking despite its negative effect on their health, relationships, work, and school. Mild, moderate, or severe AUD is diagnosed when a person meets any 2 of 11 DSM-5 criteria over a 12 month period.

The general acceptance of drinking makes alcohol a highly profitable commodity for manufacturers and purveyors. In 2019, domestic alcoholic beverage sales reached $253 billion. The industry spends over $3 billion each year marketing liquor to Americans, half that amount on advertising. The rest is spent promoting the benefits of alcohol at music festivals, sports events, spring break, movie theaters, billboards, and social media. The goal of alcohol marketing is to protect market share from competitors, persuade people to switch brands, introduce new products, and most importantly, to attract new users—mostly young people.

The industry spends a further $42 million annually lobbying state legislatures and donating to members of Congress. More than 300 professional lobbyists for the industry work in Washington DC. The result is the complicity of politicians, who otherwise oppose illicit drugs, pontificate about opioid addiction, and rave about punishing drug traffickers with the death penalty.

Alcohol advertising to youth is strategically designed to persuade and groom young people to drink. The Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth at John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health found a pattern of alcohol advertising in magazines that had disproportionately youthful readers. Routinely, the ads glamorized drinking. The ads linked drinking to fun and good times, showed drinking near activities requiring concentration and coordination such as water sports, highlighted high alcohol content in products, equated drinking with popularity, and presented sexualized messages. Alcohol advertising in social media is also pervasive and designed to engage young people to interact with the messages through views, clicks, shares, and comments.

The Scale of Addiction

The numbers point to an urgent public health epidemic looming over the horizon. More than 18 million American adults suffer from AUD—75% men and 25% women. AUD is the leading cause of preventable death among adults, killing 75,000 men and 25,000 women each year.

Alcohol’s impact on kids is even more serious. More than 131,000 kids age 12-17 were arrested for liquor law violations in a year. More than 400,000 kids suffer from Alcohol Use Disorders—300,000 girls; 100,000 boys. Each year, nearly 5000 youth under 21 die in alcohol related deaths in car crashes, homicides, or suicides. For kids, drinking is a precursor to other problems including other drugs, risky activity, sexual activity, mental and emotional disorders, and future alcoholism.

The Scale of Addiction

The numbers point to an urgent public health epidemic looming over the horizon. More than 18 million American adults suffer from AUD—75% men and 25% women. AUD is the leading cause of preventable death among adults, killing 75,000 men and 25,000 women each year.

Binge Drinking

Binge drinking refers to excessive drinking in a short period—5+ drinks for men and 4+ drinks for women. The group most likely to indulge in binge drinking are American youth, mostly college students. Additionally, more than a third of college students nationwide engage in extreme drinking—10+ drinks for men and 8+ drinks for women.

The dangers of binge and extreme drinking go beyond progressive harm to physical health. According to a recent survey by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, in addition to fatal outcomes, nearly 700,000 students age 18-24 had been assaulted by drunk students, 97,000 had been victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape, and a quarter of AUD students reported a slew of problems including academic failure and absence.

Binge and extreme drinking cause dangerous amounts of alcohol to surge through the bloodstream, forcing the shutdown of vital organs and functions. Alcohol poisoning and overdose can result in choking and vomiting, hypothermia, respiratory and heart failure, seizures, loss of consciousness, and death.

The effects of alcohol on the body accrue and contribute to a range of threats to physical health. They are a contributor to serious harms including fetal alcohol disorders, cardiovascular diseases, liver cirrhosis, cancers, hypertension, stroke, type 2 diabetes, mental health disorders, and accidental injuries.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Heart

spikes blood pressure, increases risk of stroke & congestive heart failure, changes heart beat.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Stomach

inflames stomach lining & causes pain.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Blood

represses bone marrow, lowers white and red cell & platelet counts.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Cancer

increases risk of mouth, throat, esophageal, breast, liver, and colorectal cancer

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Brain

Affects cognition and muscle coordination. Slurs speech, blurs vision, decreases reflex & reaction. Causes memory loss, increases risk of dementia, and fuels anxiety and depression.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Immune System

lowers immunity to a host of diseases.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Liver

depletes ability of the liver to rid itself of fat as it diverts attention to rid body of alcohol.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Kidney

lowers hormones that enable circulation of water to the body.

Alcohol Use Disorder: The Pervasive Addiction

Central Nervous System

Wreaks havoc throughout the network including slowing and stopping breathing. Memory making portion of the brain that creates blackouts.

While the responsibility of committing to recover from alcohol addiction falls solely on those afflicted by the disorder, it is important to consider AUD in the context of contributing factors.

Your genetics, heredity, family, culture, and friends do affect your vulnerability to AUD. Parental neglect, poverty, adverse childhood experiences such as abuse or trauma, family members who drink, access to alcohol, and peer pressure all heighten the risk of AUD. Conversely, good parenting, stable family, and nurturing caregivers, relatives, teachers, and mentors can protect a person predisposed to AUD from affliction. Research has found that genes are at least half the reason why a person is susceptible to the disorder. Undiagnosed disorders such as depression, bipolar, ADHD, and anxiety may also compel people to self-medicate with alcohol.

But, AUD does not need to be a person’s inevitable fate. Despite genes and environment, or nature and nurture, learning behaviors to manage the risk can prevent a person from falling victim to this voracious addiction.

New Leaf Detox & Treatment for Drug Addiction
(I have no affiliation or verification of services)

West Side Story

I went to the underbelly of my city yesterday….sort of like every city’s west side…

I noticed the run-down houses, the graffiti, the old cars -parked behind crumbling brick buildings- that looked like someone’s sleeping arrangements.

I saw the “tent city” of the homeless.

I waited and paused because I wanted to experience how it made me feel, in contrast to a few years ago, when I probably wouldn’t have advocated for the downtrodden as much- with regards to addiction and homelessness. The last 3 years of having a front row seat to the thirsty fangs of addiction had exposed me to things I would have preferred to never see.
I wanted to feel if I still had judgment for them after that.

As I looked at this car behind McDonald’s with a guy advertising to clean headlights for the drive-thru customers, I felt it. The judgment. The pity. I felt shame for him.
I also saw my son in him.
The scavenging.
The desperation.
The living 15 minutes at a time.
Survival.

Except for my son probably would have too much pride to do that. He would just starve…or steal a candy bar, as much as I hate to admit it.

I wanted to just give the guy $10.

But my old judgemental person said, “you know what he’ll do with it.”
My new heart-broken, marinated in-all-things addiction Mama said, “it doesn’t matter what he does with it. It’s about compassion. It’s about showing that someone cares”.

The moment to act was gone as we moved further down the street.
I saw a lady, by a car loaded full of bags and clothes. She had on an old halter top and shorts. A guy with a dirty backpack came up & spoke with her. What were they planning? A score? A hit? Or just a hamburger?

My eyes stung with what? Tear’s of desperation? Of that feeling that no one has your back? No one cares. People back away from you or avoid you? What does that do to an already shattered soul?

I noticed that they still scared me. I doubt I would dare approach any of them.

I was NO different than all the other people-in- a- hurry in their shiny black or gray cars with tinted windows. Windows meant to keep out the UV rays AND shade us from scenes such as this.

They were the street people. They knew this game. Some live it by choice, some by circumstance. I know because I’m part of a local facebook recovery group, where people post about needing to move their car somewhere else because a business kicked them out.
I also follow my state’s unhoused group of volunteers who help feed them.

I should do more.
I’m still in save-my-own-son survival mode which takes up most of my emotional energy.

My son doesn’t live in this area but this is his people now.
It still stings. I’m still trying to help him NOT
“вє тнσѕє ρєσρℓє”

I want him back….
Into the working class.

With a lawn of green lush grass bordering all the way around a- white-plank-siding- and-slate- stone-veneer halfway up the bottom- house.

With kids and dogs running around.

But what I want, and what’s reality is a pretty long stretch.

All I can do is,

ℓσνє нιм ωнєяє нє’ѕ αт.

And where he’s at, is in jail.

He’s a bit quiet now but hopeful.
He’s back into his lifting weights routine- doing the daily survival that’s necessary when living in close quarters to 70 other struggling males.

He’s agreed to rehab while they are preparing his sentencing. He wants to live in a different area if he doesn’t get a long sentence. That’s huge.
I’m hopeful but realistic.

I do what I can.

Maybe tomorrow, I’ll go back and have my headlights cleaned.

ℓσνє αℓωαуѕ ωιиѕ