Home Base

Sorry, Boss- I had a Flat Tire

I was late to work today.

It threw me off all day long.

I mentioned to my boss some lame excuse.

What was I really to say?

“See, my son is in jail, & I’m glad but I still am wrenched with worry all night that he will get out in the night & in the day I hate when he asks for money for the phone or for actual real food or a bit of candy that we all crave but especially them when they are coming off heroin because I don’t want him trading it for drugs or calling his cronies to bail him out. After all, even though- he detoxed last weekend and became so suicidal and depressed that they put him on suicide watch and when I called the nurse she said they might pink slip him to the hospital so then I worried that he wouldn’t have a guard when I should be more worried that he’ll harm himself- he still has the mental obsession and cravings to use”………breath…

Ya…..No…..

I can see the blank stare of “What am I supposed to do with that?” Look which I’m so accustomed to.

Continue reading “Sorry, Boss- I had a Flat Tire”
Home Base

Drenched

Yesterday while visiting Texas, my husband and I were caught in a violent thunderstorm and flash flood. It hit suddenly and without warning. We tried to forge through our fear and discomfort by first going it alone, ( courage disguised as denial ) then seeking cover behind a large semi. ( shame & secrecy ). The water was too high for our light vehicle and we were at risk for sliding off the road many times, so we pulled up onto a ranch road and waited it out. ( Patience )

Even the oil tanker trucks were barely moving due to visibility. The pickup trucks seemed used to it and trudged along steadily.

It sounds crazy now that I’m safe, but I really thought I was going to be those people you see on extreme weather shows who are gliding down the fast-moving water with everyone saying, “oh, they should have stayed home or shouldn’t have tried to cross”. Or being struck by lightning or have a huge power line fall on us.

It was sunny when we left, we didn’t have a reason to check the radar. We got in over our head quickly……

Once it passed we headed out cautiously & upon seeing how low the road dipped, it confirmed that we wouldn’t have made it through.

Even as the sun peeked out, and no clouds in site, we came upon this road completely flooded.

After deciding we couldn’t risk the rental car being damaged we turned around and headed a different direction. As we were driving hopefully free & clear down the Texas highway, this beauty appeared.

A complete rainbow🌈.

Whatever the meaning, whatever the significance. I was at peace in it’s beauty. One minute sending my kids a ‘goodbye I luv you’ to now being grateful for being alive.

This post by Sean Whalen fit perfectly with my day.

"IT WILL PASS.

Whoever is reading this right now who can’t breathe, who feels the weight of the world on their shoulders, who’s buried under some not so favorable decisions, who feels like they can’t live without that human they feel so connected to.
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Whoever is reading this who can’t seem to find the light or the hope or the drive to get up and get after it, PLEASE HEAR ME.
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What you feel WILL PASS.
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What you FEAR you will soon APPRECIATE.
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What seems like an impossibly and insurmountable mountain will soon be your greatest teacher.
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12 years ago I put a 9mm in my mouth and almost ended my life. I saw no light. I felt pain that I thought would break me. I literally felt like I was suffocating. I was filled with FEAR and ANGER and DESPAIR. It was one of the darkest moments of my life, so much so I said to myself “IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I WAS GONE, IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR MY KIDS IF I WASN’T IN THE PICTURE.” I wanted to die vs keep going.
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I woke up the next morning with that pistol next to my head and a clear voice in my head I DO NOT WANT TO DIE, and I reached out for help and guidance.
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I want you to hear something from me right now that I guarantee you and do so on my life…
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THE PAIN YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW WILL END. I FUCKING PROMISE YOU. YOU MAY SEE NO LIGHT AND HAVE NO HOPE, BUT I PROMISE YOU AS LONG AS YOU KEEP MOVING, THE STORM WILL END.
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They always do. They ALWAYS do!
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So if you’re reading this right now and are in the middle of that storm, know that I know exactly where you are. It’s fine to be angry. It’s fine to be sad. It’s fine to feel the darkness! FEEL ALL THAT WILD SHIT!
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JUST. KEEP. MOVING.
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DO NOT STOP. DO NOT FUCKING STOP.
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Go walk around the block. Literally, move your feet and walk. Call someone. Call everyone. Write. Record videos. Go to the park and play with a puppy. Tell someone you love them. Go give someone a buck. Go sit at a coffee shop.
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KEEP FUCKING MOVING AND I PROMISE YOU THE STORM WILL END AND YOU WILL LOOK BACK AT THIS PAIN AND SMILE.
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THIS WILL NOT BREAK YOU. NOTHING CAN BREAK YOU. GOD GAVE YOU THE EYES TO READ THIS MESSAGE SO GET YOUR ASS UP AND JUST TAKE A STEP, THEN ANOTHER STEP.
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I SEE YOU FRIEND. 👊🏼"-Sean Whalen