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Projection Perfection

I broke my husbands heart yesterday.

No, I didn’t lie to him, or cheat on him. I didn’t dishonor him, unless you call crushing everything he loves- dishonoring.

We were parked at a business hooking a trailer up to the truck, when I wandered back to a beautiful row of thick sunflowers. I was admiring the giant blooms and trying to avoid the many buzzing bees who were ravishing the plants. I wanted to see if the seeds were dry enough to remove for planting later, so I was intent in concentrating on my task.

What I didn’t know, was that while I was lost in the beauty of the yellow and greens, and knowing this beauty meant one thing- FALL! Which meant winter- sigh……..; he was quietly taking pictures of me.  When he sent them to me later, I was aghast. Not being dramatic, I really was shocked to see my backside.

These pictures were everything I hated about myself and what had “become” of me the last few years. 

These pictures were also everything my husband loved about me the last few years.

Me: weight gain, low energy, finding enough gives to give a damn; trying to keep my hair colored and cut and weaved and somedays -even brushed. Trying to transition back from “skinny jeans” to “mom jeans” that were now suddenly “in”, but still look like crap on an older Mom. Oh, and my damn quarterback shoulders.

Him: the woman he loves, quiet beauty in nature, noticing things he would never notice, in my “zone”, peace, reflective state, low maintenance (sometimes).

As I told him to not send me anymore pictures, I could feel his energy drop. He took those pictures in love. His love. I crushed his intent-To remember my peace, my tranquility among nature at every opportunity.

Isn’t that the pits? We don’t see in ourselves what others see in us. We want to be different or at least better. We kick ourselves for not being what we think we should be. Sometimes, as in my case, we even despise ourselves. Coincidentally though, we also WANT others to BE something different! We want them to be what would make US feel better, instead of who they are.

Where is this dissidence coming from?

A need for perfect order in our lives? To fill some invisible hole of deficiency?

It sounds a bit crazy. Everyone wanting something else.

I heard somewhere that perfection is a form of self-harm because it is never attainable, thereby it ALWAYS knocks us back into a cycle of not achieving and subsequently hating ourselves or doubting our abilities or the worst:

Questioning our worth. 

Our worth, is not only being measured by what we assume others want out of us, but in our own however-messed-up Richter scale of perfection.

The trouble is: with perfectionism, the goal post is always being moved- by ourselves.

Photo Credit

My issue, with my picture is more of a self esteem/ body image concern, but it still rages: 

NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!

DO BETTER—–

For society’s standards, we will never be good enough. That’s why we must find our own place; in peace with ourselves. We can start with moments.

Moments when every thought, every picture that appears in your mind of how it should be, can be recognized for what it is: an opportunity to change it to thoughts of:

  • Good enough
  • Smart enough
  • Pretty enough
  • ‘Skinny’ enough

I may never see myself as my husband sees me, but I can find ways to love me exactly how I am, so I can then love others exactly how they are.

Matt Kahn describes it “perfectly” haha…

"In every moment, you and everyone else is always doing the best they possibly can. If anyone could do better — they would. When anyone can do better — they will. While spiritual teachings can give greater focus and attention to heart-centered choices, they are not to be confused with rules used to punish yourself with. Instead of ridiculing yourself with unrealistic ideas of perfectionism, most moments of healing call for a deep level of self-forgiveness where you are able to truly forgive yourself for any misjudgments in perception and reaction by truly accepting yourself — talents, flaws, and all. No one is designed to do this perfectly and it’s for such an important reason. It is to guarantee that in en route to realizing how conscious, liberated, and heart-centered you already are, life creates moments to intentionally burst any bubble of perfectionism the spiritual ego tends to hide in. As the spiritual ego gets down on itself for not “nailing it”, you are able to embrace such a part within you, allowing your love to further set free the aspect of self who only knows how to be rewarded with praise, honor, and accolade in exchange for doing something “right”. Let your journey be insightful, illuminating, clarifying, and sometimes, as messy as it's meant to be. No matter the roads traveled and the choices made, everything is made right in the end.

Confessions of a Spiritual Perfectionist

by Matt Kahn
Matt Kahn
Home Base

What If It’s Just Ok?- Tɦɛ ʟɛɢɛռɖ օʄ ȶɦɛ ɮօɖɦɨ ȶʀɛɛ

How to wake up from perfectionism/projectionism

Photo by author

What if you didn’t feel worried?

What if you didn’t have this fear inside you?

What if you didn’t let your mind project the worst-case scenario onto a one-sentence FACT of the here and now? In other words, is the story that you’re mulling over in your mind true to form for what’s right now in front of you?

Rebecca Undem

What if your emotions were NOT driven by the “pain of neglect” or the “fear of loss.”

Over the years, as I’ve watched office politics play out, I’ve noticed that most behavior or conflict is rooted in the fear of losing their job. Why else would someone backstab or elevate themselves to look good?

What if you were not ‘that” afraid of loss? Loss of your job or your lifestyle. What if you were secure enough in your abilities or the future that you were able to be completely true to yourself and others ALWAYS- not just when someone is watching.

It’s a double edged sword to be human with motivation and drive- and EGO. It provokes questionable behavior in order to achieve and fulfill the ego’s desires and needs. Once that works well for our ego’s needs of power, or worthiness or MATTER-ness; the target gets bigger and more dangerous. We want to know we matter. Our ego wants to ONLY MATTER.

The more we try to achieve our version of perfection or worthiness (and what we want to portray to others) the LESS authentic we become.

To avoid this, a constant self-evaluation is required. Any emotion that we feel comes up, it’s sometimes therapeutic to look at what the basis for the emotion is. Most anger, jealousy, confusion, and sadness come from a fear of loss. We’re afraid of losing what we hold dear. Our reputation, our habits, our house, and of course our family.

The more we feed into our fears and our faults, the more power they have over us.

People who have lost their homes and businesses often come back stronger than ever because they’ve battled that fear of loss.

As humans we are always trying to improve our life. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s when we “can’t see the forest for the trees.” As the old timers- my parents (& now ME!) Used to say. It’s when we make ourselves miserable at what we think is wrong in our lives & our attempts to fix it. We just seem to HAVE TO have that thing that we currently want.

But we all know the goalpost keeps moving. Those who have achieved all the money they need, soon turn to power as a replacement. Or prestige, or sexual fulfillment or going batshit crazy for a ’cause’. Anything to fill that hole of fear of loss.

I’m not a perfectionist in the sense of organization, detail to appearance, and OCD behaviors- at all. But I am an over-thinker and a “If-Only” idealistic & slightly glass-half-empty person.

Perfectionism, in itself-is actually a form of self-harm and therefore a symptom of low self worth. It’s self- harming because IT CAN NEVER BE ACHIEVED & your subconscious knows it. So you will continually seek out more ideas and situations to fulfil that never ending goal.

Says Me

“Even if you cross off your to-do list and become everything you ever wanted in yourself……. You will ALWAYS find something else to feed your inner perfectionist.”

Matt Kahn
Gertrude Toll- pinterest

Not everyone resonates with my guru guy Matt Kahn- aka MY KIDS! But I want you to put this video on tonight and just listen as you fall asleep. Listen to how it’s okay to “come as you are.” You can be as the Buddha sitting under the Bodhi tree peacefully meditating surrounded by demons to which he is immune to. It’s deep stuff, but I prefer it over shallow, trivial stuff.

Many books and programs teach mindfulness and meditation. It’s something I struggle with. But the power of training your mind to just be- in the here and now has incredible benefits. There’s no overthinking, projection, anticipatory grief, living in the past which brings up MORE pain of LOSS instead of cherishing sweet memories.

"Almost all sadness comes from thinking about the past, and all worry from thinking about the future - present mindedness is your only safe haven. Only in the present is your mind free to do what it does best - solve problems. The easiest way to leave the past behind is to remember that love does not live in the past, only memories - love lives in the present." Bryant McGill
Photo by treespirit.com

May you be your own version of the Buddha under the fig tree. Relishing in your own grace of “good enough.”