As my son’s life spins more out of control, I feel myself spinning too. Falling away from him. Away from having to defend him. Away from justifying anything. It hurts. But it’s a numbing kind of hurt. A tired hurt.

I wonder, Is this how he felt when he was choosing between the choices he had?

A numbing peace?

A tiredness.
What stressors that he must have faced, day after day: Running a business, keeping everyone happy. Never being enough. Never quite getting it right. Never feeling quite comfortable in his own skin. Always using humor & distraction to move away from those feelings.

The world tells us we are never enough. It’s hustle, hustle – to win the game. But those with addictive qualities, take that further. They can’t stop at certain points which balance it out. Those with mental illness become hyperfocused on unhealthy behaviors.

Netflix’s new show Words on Bathroom walls shows the demons that mental illness brings and what people have to do to relieve those.

I’ve spent over 3 years now, doing a deep dive into why my son started using. The entire time, it appeared he was getting worse and worse. As Lorelie Rozzano stated in her post recently:

“Weeks, months, and years passed.
I grew progressively sicker, and somewhere along the way, I STOPPED CARING…

Justifications, rationalizations, and blame were ingrained in my thinking. My cognitive reasoning skills were poor—every thought I had allowed me to justify my behavior and rationalize my use.

Because my brain was a toxic chemical soup, my behaviors grew increasingly more unhealthy. I justified using, stealing, cheating, procrastinating, yelling, swearing, over/under-eating, shopping, and the many other poor choices I made.

I built a sticky web of deceit and drug dependency and then became trapped by my thinking. It was the worst kind of hell as I was both the victim and the perpetrator of my demise.

Lorelie Rozzano

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I also have become trapped in my thinking. Thinking I can fix this.

I can’t.

And maybe that’s how he feels. Too much to fix…Without the know-how to do it.

Although WE can see the way out pretty clearly, their hijacked zero-coping skill brain can’t.

And we can’t tell them the way out. As my husband eloquently stated regarding this blog and it’s title:

Falling From Grace

It suggests a feeling of surrender, which can only come when one recognizes that the battle is unwinnable. Falling away from having to defend and justify illustrates in my mind the laying down of arms and the raising of a white flag. Which ties in perfectly to the tiredness you describe. Like a soldier with battle fatigue. I know that feeling. It is similar to how I felt when I withdrew from my 2-year custody battle all those years ago.
Feeling trapped in your thinking.
It takes a wise and powerful mind to be able to conclude that it’s own patterns are flawed. Also the word “trapped” suggests a situation from which you desire escape. Which means you want something better for yourself.
In “Falling From Grace” Mason is said to have made choices. This honors his adulthood and freewill instead of casting him as the powerless victim, which makes him sound weak and infantile. I know he would agree.
Grace beautifully conveys that you haven’t quit, but you have done all that you can do.

I like how this lady in long term recovery describes the addicted brain:

“The lack of coping skills to handle day to day challenges physical emotional psychological spiritual etc, are the core reasoning behind the need to use n abuse. All of which leads to self-destructive behaviors & uncontrollable actions that without the desire for change, leads to a self destructive lifestyle. The individual [must somehow] makee the choice to stop & force themselves to feel & learn to manage feelings & problem solve.

If not, they continue to self destruct & live day by day in the life of an addict. Only when the [recovering] addict begins to make rational decisions will he or she allow themselves to rebuild & recondition the mind- learning to think things through by positive reinforcement- Marta Deleon

Keywords”The addict can begin…..” Not the addict’s mom… Everyone has to do their own work. Even then- there’s a certain point (such as where I’m at now) to turn it over to Grace.

I have to remember Joyce Meyer’s word in “Closer to God Each Day:

"We often get frustrated because we are trying to live by our own works when our lives were brought into being and designed by God to be lived by Grace. The more we try to figure out what to do to solve our dilemmas, the more confused, upset, and frustrated we will become.
.....just stop and say 
"Oh Lord, give me Grace (your power and ability)." -Joyce Meyer

I can only pray that there’s enough Grace (divine love or pardon) to catch us both as we are falling.

Falling to Grace.