I’ve written a lot lately about WHY an addict does the things they do. It’s an exhausting pursuit yet I think it helps humanize the craziness. Soon I will stop- but for now, here are a few more thoughts along with a guest blog about those who love the addicted ones.
Copied from a naranon group:
How an addict feels
“They rely on the drug or alcohol. It works. It is their best friend. It keeps them safe from a hundred bedevilments. It numbs inexplicable anxiety, anger, shame, unmanageable moods and emotions, irritability, relationship problems, the boss they hate, the father they can’t call out, the car that breaks down, time that drags, the boyfriend that ditched them, the money they’re not making.
The alcohol, drug, sex or whatever, is the padding in the cell they are locked away in; to which they do not yet have the key.
Don’t assume you can find the key, no matter how much you love them.
No other human being determines if and when they find it.
Their Willingness is the key.
Only they can unlock the cell, or not.
It takes a great deal of suffering, for them to come to accept that they are the problem. And sometimes they never do.
Whether it was their childhood, trauma, or mental illness that shaped their thinking and beliefs which resulted in harmful choices, doesn’t matter. They have to start calling their own brain, beliefs and bullshit out.
They have to root out spiritual ills like resentment and pride, (only an addict lies in the gutter and still looks down on others).
When you come to them with tears, threats, praise and despair, they balk, because the fact that you make them your business is humiliating to them.
That you appoint yourself as their saviour, they see as smug self-righteousness, but they will use it in their favour anyway.
They hear you call them out, while you have work ahead in terms of your own lack of boundaries, people-pleasing, emotional immaturity and a hundred of your own bedevilments.
This doesn’t mean that if you change you will save them, but it does mean that you face any challenge with greater equanimity, when you are healthier.
Focus on that. That is how you spend your time, when your loved one has a substance abuse problem, you focus on your own healing and spiritual growth. And then you learn about boundaries, because limits are necessary when a loved one’s illness threatens our well-being.”
So see……that’s why WE have to find our Peace. For our sanity. And also so we can be an example to what a healthy person does & not be drawn into their madness.
When will they hear us? Not until they're ready., ....
"The lack of coping skills to handle day to day challenges physical emotional psychological spiritual etc are the core reasoning behind the need to use n abuse all of which leads to self destructive behaviors uncontrollable actions that without the desire for change leads to a self destructive lifestyle the individual will make the choice to stop n force themselves to feel n learn to manage feelings n problem solve if not they continue to self destruct n live day by day in the life of an addict only when the addict can begin to make rational decisions will he or she allow themselves to rebuild recondition the mind learning to think things through positive reinforcement"- Marta Deleon
Then there’s those of us who are judged for sticking by them.
I came across this timely advice right after my post on convincing others that my son is still worthy- and thought it fit in great. It’s NOT A CRIME TO LOVE AN ADDICT! Don’t let anyone tell you how could you or why do you? They just don’t understand. And thank God they don’t.
“I have been judged, belittled, put down, etc. Not bc I’m an addict, but bc I love an addict. I wasn’t aware it was a crime to love someone with an addiction? IMO every addict deserves love, sometimes, that’s all they need to help them fight through a day. I may not be an addict, but I suffer with severe mental health issues, and yes, I’ve been made fun of for that. Crazy, psycho, batshit crazy. I’ve been called it all. Being judged bc you suffer with addiction, mental health issues or anything else, is a product of the weak minded world we live in. No on is perfect. Instead of judging these people, pray for them. Reach out to them, even if they don’t respond, always let them know you love them and you’re there. Sorry for my rant, positive vibes just needed to shine on such a shitty week. Hope yall have a great weekend!-Rachel Shelton – fellow addict lover
I was talking to a fellow blogger about this and she stated that in order to SOLVE a problem, someone must first CARE! This is brilliant because I have been trying so desperately to get my son to CARE! He has so many things to “fix” that – I believe- he’s overwhelmed & beyond caring. She stated this in her awesome post here!:
"The deepest problem that a person suffers from, is the unwillingness to care for what is wrong. One can have all the world’s knowledge, with no care for how to apply it. Whereas, it is possible to solve any problem, when the first step to this sequence, has been conquered.
The first step, the desire to care…
Versus, the second step, the knowledge applied for the problem to be solved…
And, one cannot skip the first step, to move onto the second. This is because, as it’s already been stated, one cannot solve an issue, without the genuine care for it.
An “excuse” or a “reason” for why one cannot accomplish their task, may come in all forms. One can say the words, “I do not know how.” Though, their lacking knowledge, for how to solve their issue, is never the true reason. Their truest reason is that they do not care enough. Such means, they have not conquered the first step, in this “two-step sequence to problem solving”......