Self Discernment

I felt it coming. That familiar rush of disappointment…

Someone doesn’t approve.

Old patterns of defensiveness crop up.

The yearning to beg for acceptance & understanding starts rising up in my throat.

Yuk. It feels icky.

But wait…..If “I” want to be accepted… Then I MUST accept others!

Which includes their opinion of ME!!! Brilliant!!

What an epiphany!
I HAVE worked hard to become the person I am-Even from a few years ago.
Of course, I want credit where credit is due.
Like anyone would.

I want my intentions to be known as honorable & good.
I want validation for my efforts as much as anyone else does.

And even though it is still hurtful at times to not have people ‘get me’ or be happy for my experiences—or utter a ‘like’ or a kind word of encouragement.
I do understand & respect their view from over there.

Very few have known what I’ve gone thru in the last few years. but from their perspective …a few snippets of gossip or a few posted memes, a singular conversation of someone who knew me when I wasn’t in a good place. Leads to a limited understanding of events or situations that we’re out of my control.

But that’s even more proof that they are entitled to their opinion! However narrow minded it may be!
And besides.. People are in their own struggles.. Their own time consuming fears & thoughts that affect how we view ourselves & others.. Especially on social media… The illusion of all illusions…

Everything needs a contrast.

A balance.

And when I have a negative balance, it just makes me yearn to be stronger & brighter ☀️🌝☀️.
to refine my ego, soften my heart, train my brain to not be affected by the downcast looks or rude little digs or by silentness that etches into the core of human loneliness.

It makes me strive even more, to build (not beg) deeper & more meaningful relations.

With people who truly care.

Not with energy zappers.

It makes me want to be a woman with no regrets, but without bitterness too.
It makes me want to share everything I learn & perpetuate my idealistic vision of everything “just being ok”

My kids know my struggles,

My husband sees my pain. God knows my heart.

He knows how hard I’ve fought, who knows how many tears I’ve shed.
He knows the pain in my heart be that I work every day to resolve.