I would assume that scrolling through your email is a bit like being in active chaotic addiction. You know what you’re looking for and what you are interested in, so everything else is just in the way. There literally could be emails about wars and disaster and even that you owe the IRS 300k and it just doesn’t matter.
Because to the reptile brain who has soaked in enough drugs to affect the reward system, the main goal of the day is to “Get dope or die”. Their habits become so ingrained that it becomes harder to jump off the mouse wheel.
Yesterday was one of those days when I made myself sick after a few nights of no sleep and extreme worry for my son who’s in active chaotic addiction in the middle of one of the busiest and most dangerous cities. I had to go to bed for the day with a piercing migraine, dizziness and almost paralytic pain.
The messages I received, although very few, were people who were concerned about me or needed something from me. I one hundred percent could not deal with them at all. Which of course resulted in them being more concerned and more pushy.
I already have a tendency to pull back when under pressure but when things happen outside of my control, especially things that threaten one of my kids safety or their mental health; it hits me hard.
You could say my nerves are shot from the last few years. My oldest son in active chaotic addiction living in the street in a high risk city. My youngest daughter with severe anxiety, depression, social phobias and a condition called POTS which affects her blood pressure and heart rate causing severe sudden dizziness and nausea. This affects her abilty to maintain a job. Also I have to navigate many other relationships – some new, some with challenging personality disorders. These interactions lately have resulted in a 100 percent failure rate.
Several of the books I’ve been listening to lately, talk about how important the nervous system is in order to function in a healthy way. Feeling safe is important in how the nervous system functions. There are thousands of studies on neurons and chemicals which are responsible for how we feel and what we do.
When my daughter fills out 24 job applications with zero callbacks, she loses her motivation to apply for more. All the memes of “Don’t quit” seem noticeable empty of the needed dopamine required to continue filling out applications. Yet that “one more” could be the dream job for her.
The connection between habits and addiction intertwine extensively. This video by Kevin McCauley is one of the easiest videos I found to understand.
The part about getting out of bed in the morning fits my days like yesterday.
The key is finding your motivation again in healthy ways.
Some use drugs, work or sex to survive and get through the day. Others use their rage and bitterness to fuel attacks onto others. They spend their energy figuring out revenge tactics which fulfills their dopamine supply with validation and justification.
As for me, I scroll through emails with muted interest in any of them. Hitting every brick wall lately has forced me to rest. Being unjustly attacked and accused has taken the winds out of my sails. Seeing the results of all my efforts to support my son in his rehabilitation and movement toward getting his life back together has fallen flat.
At this moment I honestly don’t know how I’ll move forward at the minimum to even show up for work, let alone solve relationship problems and situations.
Luckily, the tools are there for me to figure it out.
- Mindfulness
- Meditation
- Positive environment
- Healthy food
- Water
- Exercise
- Healthy boundaries
- Uplifting books and music
Hopefully I can incorporate these into my routine and slowly come back alive. Because if not, it leads me down a depressive path where I want to do anything EXCEPT stay alive.
It’s important for everyone to gain the tools to have on hand for these rough times. Whether it be in AA, rehab, books, tapes or a relationship with a higher power, learning positive coping skills is paramount.
