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Re- Adjustment

Years ago, there was a show on at night called America’s Funniest Home Videos. I was obsessed with winning the $10,000 prize. That seemed like a million dollars to me. I sent in real VHS videos of my cute little kids doing cute little things. We even decorated a Christmas tree once with spaghetti for some contest on there.

Yup, a spaghetti Christmas tree! I can hardly think of it now, without cringing.

They had a segment or an inside joke they called FOTTF.

Funny Only To The Family

I’m assuming all my videos went to that pile. It appears that my blog now, would fit in some sort of FOTTF category.

I started it as an online journal / exploration of my son’s addiction. It served that purpose to work through the intense emotions I was feeling & as an outlet for them.

My target audience could relate. But as a non- marketer, first time blogger, I didn’t know how to market it to my target audience. I just kept getting in trouble with the mom’s groups for posting self – promotion.

I had hoped to help more people understand the struggles of an addict and their families. That doesn’t seem to be working and it’s not even a case of funny only to the family.

My family isn’t interested in my writing. They’re not interested in family recovery. They’re not interested in my son in his current state. I’m sure they care about what happens to him and just don’t know what to do about it, but they’re not interested in figuring it out either.

He was the hero when he could provide something of value, but as a sick person of society, he is not worth anyone’s time or energy. If he’s not doing what is expected, he is cast out and essentially expected to use a very Ill brain to make rational and responsible decisions. He is being fined with more money than he can possibly begin to pay back by people who know that.

The system seeks to punish and shame him and push him further into a criminal mindset.

He is not allowed to see or talk to his kids. It makes it appear as him being the bad guy always, no matter what anyone else has ever done or said. He’s treated like a criminal, and in due process, as any human does, they become what we treat them…

My son is very ill.

He is in more pain than anyone knows. He feels deep shame and can hardly look at pictures of his kids knowing how pathetic of a dad he is. A healthy brain can see the solution- get clean, get a job, get a car, get a house, and fight for visitation and pay for them.

But as Brandon Novak explained:

To an addict, the sidewalk is a skyscraper.....

They don’t even remember coping skills that don’t require numbing, or distraction.

So they continue sinking…..

Drowning in more legal problems, more health problems, and more isolation from and conflict with family.

My son expresses no interest in fixing anything. It’s like a hugh block. Psychologists would say that their mental age is where their trauma began or when their addiction took over, my son should still be an adult in theory, but the loss of so many things- basically everything he worked for 60-80 hrs a week for 15 years- is gone. So I believe that is where he’s stuck at…. Not facing such devastation and knowing it was technically Him who sold his soul for it. In November of 2019, his friend told me that he saw the light go out of my son’s eyes when he realized he could not save his marriage, no matter what. He said the addiction was a symptom from that made 💯 times worse after that moment.

I have let my powerlessness get to me today. It’s going on 13 months since I saw my beautiful boy. He sent me a picture, 2 weeks ago, the day he got out of jail and I cried at the sadness and pain in his eyes. He’s a lost soul.

The people I have begged for help, won’t. People who have the resources could care less. Even local recovery people who talk the talk on social media are disinterested in private requests. I was told by a very prominent recovery person who pretends to help people that I can’t just go out and find my son a sponsor….which I had no intention of. I just was looking for help. Any help.

No. One. Cares. The ones who do respond, say he has to want it. I think that’s a cop-out. I think that’s societies way of absolving responsibility of having to care or do anything for the dejected and very vulnerable segment of our society. Everyone has their own things to do. They love to talk smack about how much someone has gone to the dogs, screwed them over & over again; without any compassion for the most sickest evilest epidemic I’ve ever seen in my life. I used to think Cancer was so debilitating and sad but at least cancer gets compassion, no judgment, and zero shaming for life’s choices. With addiction, the patient is blamed, shamed, and told that everything they are experiencing is their own doing. It doesn’t matter if they were predisposed, traumatized, or just couldn’t stop at one drink like other people, they are the scum of the earth.

If they lie, cheat or steal as a result of their brain-riddled addiction, they are locked up and told they better get better real fast, on their own, or they will just get more shame and punishment. Because more of something ALWAYS WORKS……..

Take care.

🌼💘🌼

7 thoughts on “Re- Adjustment”

  1. Once again you speak my hearts words.
    May our words and thoughts reach our incredible sons as we hold space for them.

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  2. To do or not to do. How do you decide what is simply kindness from enabling or detachment? This is a concept that is really bothering me. My AS needed some prescriptions for meds for his back. I refused to pay for them because I would have had to send him cash. I know that’s a no no because it would just go for beer. He ended up getting the scripts with money he had. But I’m still troubled that I would have done it for someone else but I didn’t him because I can’t seem to separate these concepts when it comes to him.

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    1. It’s all about cash. I never give cash, I will do anything to help get him to a safe place, buy food that’s not returnable, and pay for anything that can be done over the phone. All the while with kindness not threats. I tell him his earning potential is 10x mine is and I can’t wait until he’s buying ME food again, that he deserves a healthy life without scrimmaging. He knows I won’t give him money, he will still sometimes ask his sister but she says the same thing: ” dang brother, I love and miss you so much – can’t wait to see you again ” she doesn’t even mention the money. He knows we won’t. The trouble with him is he is turning more and more criminally minded to get that money 😥😨😥😨😥😨

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      1. Thank you. I understand not to send cash and he hasn’t even asked me in over a year. Unfortunately he lives a good 60 miles from me. Most places will takes my credit card over the phone so I can get what I feel I need to for him. For some reason drugstores here in Florida won’t do that. I’m still very conflicted about being kind versus detachment and enabling. Guess I need to do more reading. I love your daily emails. Thank you so much for them.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Totally understand the issue involving giving cash to an alcoholic or an addict. I haven’t done that in a very long time. I feel your heart hurting,

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