A Moment To Feel Ok

This quote is so interesting to me, because we (society in general) “seem to” look down on addicts or homeless people in some fashion. I’m not saying there’s ingrained ‘bias’ at all. I’m just going on what I’ve felt myself & seen in my culture and community before addiction hit my family head on .

I realize that not all homeless people are addicts, and of course not all addicts are homeless; but we still have these fleeting first impression thoughts of self-righteousness and judgement when you see that guy -or gal- on the street.

“Why didn’t they just quit
when they first realized they had a problem-or how sad-it’s too as they didn’t get some help“. Or the biggest one “Why doesn’t he just get a job in this thriving economy?”

There isn’t one answer to all those questions, but that doesn’t stop us from seeing them as some sort of weaker species.

As we drive past quickly; thankful to not be under pressure to look at them and face the stark reality of our society- along with the relief of the burden of NOT having to decide to give them something-. (“Because we all. know what they’ll spend it on) or ( “the news stories have proven some are scammers”).

So we gladly drive by, with an exhale & pull out our phone to see what we’ve missed.

What will make us laugh or who liked our last post.

Or we reach for the chocolate covered pretzels to let that delicious fructose melt on our tongue signaling those endorphins to release the dopamines so that the serotonin in our brains will make us happy.

Hmmm. Same process, different ‘drug’.

I mean it’s normal, we are human. We NEED these endorphins to even get out of bed in the morning.

Everyone needs to self regulate their emotions and find their happy place.

The problem is when we fail to see that what we are doing is the same thing ‘they’ did, no matter their reason for starting. ( Drugs or alcohol)

Whether it was surgery or one drink on the weekend to relax, some of us don’t have, or lose that ability to self regulate the amount and be able to stop.

Is that a character defect?

Who knows? Gabor Mate might. Many other experts might. But bottom line, we are all human. We all need comfort, to feel warm & loved & that we belong.

The fact that 21 million Americans have an addiction, with only 10% being treated; tells me that we still have a huge way to go in reducing shame and sigma of addiction.

One way to do this is reduce the judgement that they are somehow any different than us, in the way of willpower or strength.

We have zero idea of what choices they had to choose between, whether escaping from abuse one day or a traumatic event or just normal life’s stress that we all have.
Maybe next time you see someone who’s obviously struggling or “looks like they’ve had a rough life” maybe we could offer a McDonald’s gift card, or hand them a heart shaped chocolate candy, or if they seem safe, ask them if they need you to go buy them anything just for today to help them get by. 💞🙋‍♂️💞

How good would that feel to boost our endorphins for even more than a brief moment, probably for the rest of the day?

Today Was a First

Had covid not happened, today probably wouldn’t have happened. And like most things covid, I wish today hadn’t NEEDED to happen.

Click here for nar-anon mtgs

But it did.

And I did.

It wasn’t really my choice. I mean not technically. It was my son’s choice. Long ago my son’s choices forced today to happen.

I zoomed into my first nar-anon meeting. For the lucky ones who don’t know what nar- anon is, it’s the equivalent of al-anon, which is for families of alcoholics. Nar- anon is for families of narcotics users who became addicted and found themselves “powerless over their life.”

Luckily though, I am not powerless. I chose to get myself some help from the maddening rollercoaster which loving an addict brings on.

What a weird club to be in. Little squares of faces in the zoom boxes on my screen. People from all over.

Tennessee,

New York,

Montana.

People from all walks of life. I see in the backgrounds of some, the old wood paneling from my childhood. Others are seemingly lying on a beach? A few men, but mostly ladies. A few young, most old.

Ladies that have been secretaries and treasurer’s in the organization for sometimes 20 years! God help me if I have to talk addiction for that long!

I mean, can’t my son just get better? Can’t we just go back to our previously scheduled lives before addiction took hold? Can we kayak on Dr Seuss’s La Jolla beach in San Diego again? Can my son yell “Mom! Mom!” In his annoying loud voice with a smirky smile even when I’m answering him from 10 feet away.”What son?” “Watch what I can do!” In his best Stewart impression.

Can’t we go camping again with his favorite Grandpa, his hero, who just passed on? Can’t we go scouting for deer, or look for deer sheds, roaming the mountains for hours, listening to my son’s endless stories of chasing a deer on this mountain or that mountain?

Hey, I know. Isn’t there lots of movies about time travel? So if they can dream it up in a movie then it HAS to BE possible right? Ok. I pick 1988. My now addicted son was 2. His little toe headed hair bouncing over his forehead. His head looked huge compared to his body. He stood up in the 1984 Ford Bronco 2 & pointed to a truck, “Dum bum!” He said. “What? ” “DUM BUM, I WANT A DUM BUM!” We looked at the big dump truck out the window. We laughed. He laughed, smiling at a little boys hopes and dreams of driving a truck full of dirt. This little boy ended up owning a company with dump trucks!

Or how bout time travel to 5 yrs old? He was riding in the seat behind me in the driver’s seat on the interstate as we headed home from shopping. Suddenly, I heard a swish of air blowing in. He had managed to open the door handle and the door was open a few inches with a semi- truck barreling up beside us!!! I yelled, “BRAXTON! Lean towards your sister!” I couldnt do anything but pray that door closed enough and he was leaning the other direction in the back seat, as I maneuvered to the side of the road. My heart was pounding a million miles an hour as I pulled over and proceded to yell at my child for his actions. “Why did you do that? How did you do that? What’s wrong with you?”

In my defense, I probably didn’t say THAT last line, but I’m sure my anger took over in fear and shock.

But in my time travel moment, I can have a do-over, see? I can take that little boy in my arms; I can say “honey, I’mm soooo glad you’re safe, I’m glad we’re all ok. You were led by some unknown reason to pull on that door, and you were very lucky and were saved from alot of pain or even death. Do you know, my sweet little boy, that you will face many big semi’s like that one? Do you know how they can overtake you and make you think you’re safe when really they want to hurt you? They can even transform themselves into other things like an ice cream truck to get your attention. There’s a secret though. The ice cream is poisonous. 🍦🐍

Soon, though, you will want nothing else but that ice cream. And we will all miss you terribly. You will have a little boy who’s just your age now who won’t know his daddy.

But do you know how strong you are? Do you know that you can get through anything? It’s going to seem like you’re lost sometimes, But I have faith in you son. I know you will always figure out a way to live your dreams and stop the enemy from overtaking you when you are tempted or have went down a wayward path.

Oh my sweet strong little boy, let’s go have some ice cream- err I mean some chicken nuggets- and you can tell me everything about today that made you happy or sad or scared.”

” Hi, I’m Samantha & I’m the mother of an addict”.

An Addicts Struggle

I have mixed feelings about influencers & outreach coordinators but I have huge respect for people like Chanda and Nester Nation who are authentic and use their voice (& music) to help raise awareness for recovery. She shows in this video the struggle an addict goes through to battle their demons while conforming to societies expectations. https://www.facebook.com/chandalynn33/videos/1590135494470317/

I Decided I Like Masks

As I left work and headed to run errands amid the Covid pandemic, I slowly put my mask back on that I had been wearing all day as a nurse. Usually I resist putting it back on, because of breathing, claustrophobic & dizziness issues. This time however, I welcomed it. Because today was another highly emotional day in the life of a mom of an addict.

My son is an adult, but the devastation on our family the last two years has been palpable. His two little kids abandoned from their daddy, his ex-wife forced to sell their beautiful new home, and his business that most of the family worked at- was gone.  He had one attempt at rehab and it seemed to make it worse in the sense that it gave him the impression that all rehabs were scammy like that one.

Today, though was another rough one for this mama. He had sent  pictures of himself to me after not seeing him for 5 months. To say I was shocked is an understatement. My once buff, stocky, six foot 240 lb. son looked like a little old man who hadn’t eaten in a month. I, of course, had to torture myself all the more by pulling up his old pictures and making a split screen to show the drastic difference that the toll of drugs has had on his body.

As I walked into the grocery store, the images of these pictures pierced my mama heart so deeply, my eyes stung with tears. I felt my face scrunch up and my body become weak. But I still was able to push my cart around with my mask pulled up to under my eyes, and no one knew the difference. I can mourn my son while he is still alive, amidst other shoppers who wouldn’t have a clue what I am dealing with. I can walk around and grab the milk and eggs and wonder if my son is eating today. I can basically buy anything I want while he struggles to get a few dollars. I can feel guilty for not paying his phone bill this month, even though it seems to not do any good because he doesn’t call in for his court hearings anyway.

Nothing with addiction makes sense. You’re either tough loving them or your enabling them. They’re either going to die, or they’re going to recover.  You feel powerless for the outcome, paralyzed in fear and confused as to what is the right thing to do. Most of all, you have deep sense of sadness for your child that you once knew, is gone. 

My struggle with my son’s addiction is mostly a secret anyway except to family so I literally wear a mask a 24/7. But now, with the current covid precautions and the masks, I can still have my complete daily or weekly meltdown while doing errands and no one is the wiser. I arrive home with my tears dried, my eyes just a little red and my mood lifted just enough to get on with my nightly tasks.  This is a day in the life of an addict’s mom. – Samantha Waters

Excerpt from 1000 Last Goodbyes

Zero. What an awful number. Especially if you’re staring at it, in blaring red neon on the heart machine. I was sitting next to my 86 pound dad in the hospital, listening to the slowed beeping of the machine. His gaunt, pale, sunken face haunted me, but it still didn’t stop me from climbing into his bed with him, knowing I would never get the chance again. The COPD he had battled for years had finally overtaken his lungs, causing him to go into unconsciousness when they wheeled him into the emergency room from the ambulance, a few days prior. The nurse had said, it was only a matter of time, until he would slip away. She came in the room and said it was time, he was going and she left my mom and I to be with him. My mama, stricken with her second bout of lung cancer, sat on the chair with her colored scarf covering her chemo ridden scalp, seemed nervous, scared. She didn’t know quite what to do. I laid my head on his chest and watched his lifeless body slip away as I stared at the machines. I told my mom to come over and say goodbye.  Suddenly, I heard his heart beating again with my ear that was on his chest. ! I said, “He’s alive! Go get the nurse!” My dad raised up his right arm, as if it was a  flailed last attempt to beat this disease, then dropped it to the bed. He was gone. Years of smoking would take his life and then my moms just 4 months later. 

So then why, 12 years later, were me and my oldest daughter, standing in a convenience store, on an Indian reservation, in the middle of December, waiting in a long line of people who were all there for the same reason? To get a carton of lucky strike cigarettes for half the price. It was for my son, of course-Isn’t everything? He was in his first rehab- out of state. Remember, life with an addict has you doing things you never thought you would. Your standards drop bigtime as you celebrate small victories that are unexplainable to regular people with regular problems that don’t involve substance use. As it was, we were actually thrilled to have found these cigarettes for him because we had searched online on how to send some directly to him. Apparently that’s not an option, it’s illegal or something. So that kids can’t buy them..

Turns out that even though both your parents died of lung related diseases-directly as a result of smoking all their life-the shock of finding out that your kids smoke, has completely worn off when you realized your son is a heavy IV drug user.  To ‘Only Smoke” is HUGE compared to THAT world. We were thrilled to be able to do that for him, as long as he was in rehab, and they were allowing cigarettes to help with the absence of the drugs……

My son finished that rehab for a total of 72 days clean. Almost a miracle in the world of addicts. But as naively “first-timers to rehab” we were, we were shocked when it didn’t “cure” him. Our healthy brains could not wrap around this non-linear course of addiction and recovery. With any other mistake or unfortunate event such as a fire or earthquake, you process the shock, clean up the damage, and rebuild. What we didn’t know then, is that fire and and inanimate objects don’t have ingrained trauma or other mental health issues that continually fight against the rebuilding. Habits are engrained in humans to create safety and order. In the ADD, addicted brain it is no different. The path of least resistance, even after a break, and a few good counseling sessions, is to go right back into the fire. That evil, disintegrating , rabid fast burning fire that has shattered so many people and families’ lives. Do you run into it to save them? Or stand there in utter horror, hoping and praying that they walk out with most of their faculties intact…..

Dr Gabor Mate

 "All Addictions are attempts to regulate internal emotional state"            

Rob Waters January 10, 2019

Dr. Gabor Maté, a well-known addiction specialist and author, spent 12 years working in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside, a neighborhood with a large concentration of hardcore drug users. The agency where he worked operates residential hotels for people with addictions, a detox center and a pioneering injection facility, where drug users are permitted to shoot up and can get clean needles, medical care and counseling.

Born to a Jewish family in Budapest at the time of the Nazi occupation, he and his parents migrated to Canada, where he earned his medical degree at the University of British Columbia. Maté, whose personal experience informs his work, is known for tracing substance abuse problems to trauma that often starts in childhood and spans generations.

His work has been acclaimed, but a Psychology Today columnist suggested that his theories are reductionist and unsupported by data — a contention Maté disputes.

Amid the severe opioid epidemic in the U.S., Maté recently visited Sacramento, where he conducted workshops with addiction specialists and families affected by addiction. California Healthline contributor Rob Waters caught up with him there. The following interview was condensed and edited for clarity.

Q: A big part of your book “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts” is about how you came to see that childhood trauma and pain lie at the root of addiction. Tell me about your insights.

Downtown Eastside is North America’s most concentrated area of drug use. In 12 years, I worked with hundreds of female patients, and every one had been sexually abused as a child. Men were physically, sexually and emotionally abused, suffered neglect, were in foster care.

Thirty percent of people there are native Indians, what we call First Nations people. For generations, the government abducted their children and sent them to residential schools. Parents were barred from seeing kids. Kids were physically and sexually abused by teachers and priests. Tens of thousands died. Because of multigenerational trauma, native communities have high rates of sexual abuse, violence, addiction and suicide. It’s the most addicted population in Canada.

All addictions — alcohol or drugs, sex addiction or internet addiction, gambling or shopping — are attempts to regulate our internal emotional states because we’re not comfortable, and the discomfort originates in childhood. For me, there’s no distinction except in degree between one addiction and another: same brain circuits, same emotional dynamics, same pain and same behaviors of furtiveness, denial and lying.

Q: You were born into a Jewish family in Budapest during the Holocaust. How did that affect your life?

I was born in 1944, and two months later the Germans came in. Hungary then had the only population of Jews in Eastern Europe that hadn’t been annihilated. Now it was our turn. My mother had a stressed pregnancy. My father’s away in forced labor; she doesn’t know if he’s dead or alive. When I’m 5 months of age, my maternal grandparents are sent to Auschwitz and gassed to death. My mother is 24, terrified and depressed. In October, they start killing Jews in Budapest, taking them to the Danube and shooting them.

When I’m 11 months, she gives me to a total stranger. She said: “Please take this baby out of here because I can’t keep him alive.” I didn’t see her for six weeks. In a child’s mind, that’s abandonment. I got the template for addiction: a lot of emotional pain, which I suppressed.

Q: You write about your own addictions being a workaholic and binge shopper of classical music, once spending $8,000 in a week on CDs.

I was not addicted to substances but I might as well have been. I couldn’t stop myself. I lied to my wife. I lied to my kids. It doesn’t matter which addiction you’re looking at; it’s the same dynamics.

Q: Last year in the U.S., an estimated 72,000 people died of drug overdoses, most from opioids. The U.S. penalizes drug use harshly and has the largest prison population in the world 2.3 million people, almost 1 percent of the adult population. Meanwhile, 90 percent of people with substance use disorders in the U.S. are not getting treatment. What’s your take on this approach?

The more pain you cause people, the more you shame and isolate them, the worse they’ll feel about themselves. The more suffering you impose, the more you strengthen their need to escape. If you wanted to design a system to maintain drug use and enhance the profits of the illegal drug trade, I would design the system you have.

Q: Let’s talk about the science. How does trauma in the early years of life affect brain development and predisposition to addiction?

Studies show that early stress affects both the nerve cells in the brain and the immune systems of mice and humans and makes them more susceptible to cocaine as adults. If you look at brain circuits implicated in impulse regulation or stress regulation or emotional self-regulation, all are impaired in addicts.

Q: Why do you think the opioid epidemic exploded in the way it has in recent years?

On top of the childhood trauma and the profound social and economic dislocation so many people experience, most physicians are completely uninformed about trauma and don’t understand how to address chronic pain or treat addiction. Hence they have a propensity to prescribe opiates all too quickly without looking at root causes or alternatives. Most people introduced to opiates in recent years started on medical prescriptions. When these are stopped, they turn to illicit substances. All this is greatly exacerbated by pharmaceutical companies’ well-documented drive to induce doctors to prescribe.

Q: Critics like psychologist and addiction specialist Stanton Peele say you’re proposing a reductionist vision in which abuse history and biochemical changes to the brain inevitably lead to substance abuse.

Peele totally misconstrues my argument. Nobody’s saying that every traumatized person becomes addicted. I’m saying that every addicted person was traumatized. There are other outcomes of trauma including cancer, autoimmune disease, mental illness — addiction is only one of them.

Q: You write with compassion about the people you worked with. But you also write about them as broken people who rarely seem to recover. What good are you doing?

If somebody had cancer and pain and you couldn’t cure the cancer, what would you do? Would you say, “I’m not going to help you any more”? Or would you try to ameliorate their suffering? The essence of harm reduction is you reduce the harm. You don’t impose abstinence. If they choose that at some point, I provide whatever support they need.

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Turbulance

I woke up today shrouded in worry & dread.. Wishing for so many “things” that I want to happen…..to me and those I love….
Things that would surely calm my riddled heart of chaos….
Watching the planes go to and from the airport and seeing my little doggie without a care in the world…..I realized that although those planes LOOK like they’re in a straight line…..it’s only because they are soooo close to their destination… They are coming in for the landing..or just taking off with high hopes and lots of turbo..lol yet in the air..they are tossed to and fro……Veering off course many times….

What if they gave up… midair…. And said to hell with these clouds..I can’t see where I’m going…..

Just like the plane’s journey mine and my kids’ are also riddled in clouds at times….turbulence….spilled drinks…. Vomiting…..
Fear, confusion, blankness, seemingly all around…

I realized that most of the “things” I want are long acting things..most are actually out of my immediate control…Sure I can do all the prep work & hustle in all directions trying this way and that way to pull people and circumstances my way…. Wanting immediate results!! But my work must end there…
At some point I have to give it up to Grace…and just love the journey without regard to the many possible outcomes.. i can still align myself into the highest vibration possible …

I can still give unconditional love and support…
But ultimately others have their part to play too…..I can’t force someone to hire me…I can’t take away my kids problems or pain….I can only fly steady…. And appreciate the many experiences and blessings I have NOW!
My day turned out to have allot of turbulence.. locked out of my house, phone dead. Wouldn’t charge. Stuck giving plasma for an hour with no book to read or phone to look at lol (that’s torture)..bombed one interview…
But I also rocked another interview! I was pretty much offered a position that I didn’t even apply for 🤞🙏(we’ll see on Friday)
And I was touched by the kindness angel 😇again… who always seems to rescue me.
❣️✨❣️✨❣️✨
Life is sooooo full of blessings if we can look past the turbulence..

sothankful

NOT ᗰY ᑕᕼIᒪᗪ

For all those who see all the purple banners on overdose awareness day or see the videos of people with substance abuse disorders passed out and you scroll on by thinking, ” I’m glad that doesn’t affect me, I’m glad I taught my kids better” or “someone should have got them help”

I applaud you.

I truly do.

I am sooo glad that you have never had to watch your beautiful child turn into someone you didn’t know,
I’m sooo glad you’ve never had to get a call from the inmate phone system asking if you’ll accept the charges……
I’m soooo glad you’ve never had the experience of watching your 28 year old, 240 lb son thrash around in the back seat sweating, then freezing, begging his own mother to please take him to get drugs to stop this sickness, as you’re trying to take him to rehab…

I’m sooo glad you’ve never had to see a dad in a restaurant with his kids & have your heart ache so deeply that your son isn’t with his kids,
I’m so glad you don’t have to sit down at a delicious meal & feel a twinge of guilt knowing your child hasn’t ate for days & wondering where he even is…

I’m so glad you’ve never had to see your precious grandkids celebrate a birthday & not knowing the words to tell them that their dad has a progressive illness that teaches him lies & that’s its NOT because they are not worthy of love…

The innocent victims of substance abuse disorder

I’m glad that you would never tell a dying lung cancer patient that they shouldn’t have started smoking..

I truly am.
Because I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on anyone.

I would never want anyone to lay awake at night, unable to stop the tears, wondering what they could have have done differently..

I’m very glad that you taught your kids to make better choices, & that you’ve never broke the speed limit or took a drink or had something so traumatic in your life that you just needed to get through the pain for a minute… And if you did, Luckily you were able to stop or walk away with any devastating effects. Great genes, or coping skills. Help teach those to others. Obedience has great results, but not if it makes us look down on others who-for whatever reason didn’t go-down that ←→ path.

This IS everyone’s problem…

Addiction affects every aspect of society whether directly or indirectly.

I don’t want one more parent to have to bury a child as shown in this Facebook group due to drugs or alcohol, but the only way that’s going to happen is if we ALL take on this pandemic & get rid of judgements and stigmas which bring MORE SHAME to all involved.

We need to create practical affordable solutions for all-while eliminate the waste & fraud in treatment.

Even if that means opening our mind up to alternative treatments such as Harm reduction.

The death rate is frightening and it IS A pandemic as it affects the core of the family structure, jobs, crime, the jail system, and little kids who grow up with the stigma of a parent in jail or who has died.

If you don’t have any idea how to help start with the words we use, such as junkie, and worthless. These are very shaming and hurtful to the families & children of addicts. And don’t forgot, under that hardened core of a dysfunctional chaotic addict is a person in pain with zero healthy coping skills. The least we can do is not to add to it.

It’s going to take all hands on deck to help stop this nightmare, just like the virus did.

Please please offer your compassion and time. Even if you don’t understand how it gets to this you can still give
HOPE to a suffering addict, or a kind word to the family of a person with a substance use disorder.

You can give that beggar on the corner a $5 McDonald’s card to let him know that yes someone does give a damn today….
Without hope, everyone suffers

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