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A Day in the life of the Mom of anAddict

Matters What? What Matters? And other Thanksgiving thoughts

ᗰᗩTTEᖇS.. ᗯᕼᗩT

As I drove on the interstate to work today, I saw the flashing billboard with the following words:

If they don’t live with you, zoom for Thanksgiving

I felt my eyes stinging with tears.

What about a second option?

What about the family members who you haven’t seen for 6 months? What about your first born son who was the hero & leader of the family who’s now lost in the world of addiction?

In fact, that son may not even be alive today. I haven’t talked to him in 2 days & at that time he was so scared that he would be picked up again for supporting his habit, that he just wanted to run away. 😥

Yes, that one habit that ‘other people’ say- “if he really wanted to quit he could.” True of anything right? If I really wanted to be svelte & toned and dare I say ‘skinny’; I could just do it right?

We all know it’s just not that easy. Not impossible, just not as simple as it sounds.

It’s kindof strange that my son is scared of getting caught doing what his brain tells him he MUST DO! Imagine a smoker getting arrested for buying ciggerettes…..

Imagine the daily guilt and shame and sneaking and lying just to get a drink of water to us…. A needed glass of water….

Not the same? Read my article on cravings found Here. It’s a pretty simple explanation as to what an addict goes through.

Anyway, back to water and ciggerettes and me being skinny. They’re all cravings & desires aren’t they?

OF course, that’s a Matter OF OPINION. As is EVERYTHING these days.

Opinions don’t equal facts. No matter how you spin it because today’s facts can be twisted.

I dread Thanksgiving & Christmas this year. Not because of Covid, but because of my fractured family. Disappointmeant, unspoken & spoken expectations. My inability to fix everyone’s concerns. My inability to move mountains to create stronger bonds…..

My son, 4 hours away, whom I can’t zoom with on Thanksgiving, even if I wanted to see his 100 lb weight loss ravaged body- because he has isolated himself away from his family and his life as he knew it for 32 years.

“Just QUIT!!!!”

I want to scream! There’s help available! You have 2 little kids who need to know their daddy loves them!!!

But with addiction it’s just not that easy. Their brain is hijacked into believing whatever the drug tells them. It’s always just one more time. It’s always not that bad. It’s always you have all the time in the world.

Meanwhile, 1 year turns into 2, and soon we will be heading into year 3 of this nightmare.

Before that, this son had built his dream business from nothing. Along with his brothers and dad.

High school drop-out, but
Worked his butt off from age 16 to 32. Nights, weekends- 70 hrs a week or more.  
Married, 2 precious kids. Built a beautiful hand crafted home in a red rock mecca paradise.


Brought his brothers and Dad along with him. They were unstoppable. 
Custom & commercial cement. Powerline fabrication,an excavating business & a freaking business for awhile.


In 2015 he did $500,000 in labor alone with zero investors which is unheard of in this business..
His closest competitors were multimillionaire companies…
His Gross revenue in 2014 was 70k.  He set a goal to double it…
He reached 1 million the next year..set aset a goal to double it..reached 3,million in 2017..

And then the opiod crisis hit him.

The last year he has lost everything.

I wrote THIS article as we were preparing for his intervention and first rehab. I was so angry at the political climate THEN! The waste of money spent, when my family & many others were DYING !!

Politics aside though….

Haaa!

Although it seems impossible these days to avoid a political conversation and/or have respect for someone who supports a certain group or cause; it can be done!

Groups, meetings, friends  and families CAN get along without spurring a argument, IF they can focus on what they DO agree on.

It takes effort for sure.

But if we can find common ground and unite together in a cause where we can actually make a difference, I think we can help the downtrodden, the mentally ill, the families and lives thrown into addiction.

To Save a To Save a Life – by The Frey….. One of my favorite songs of all time………

I just hope and pray every day that my son’s life is saved…by the grace of God or anything for that matter. I’ll take anything…….😭

A͎ D͎a͎y͎ i͎n͎ t͎h͎e͎ L͎i͎f͎e͎ o͎f͎ t͎h͎e͎ M͎o͎t͎h͎e͎r͎ o͎f͎ a͎n͎ A͎d͎d͎i͎c͎t͎

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Preventing Addiction

I mean…is that even possible? Maybe not with our children, because I believe we do the best we can with what we have while raising them.

But as adults I have always felt that if we stick to our personal “checkpoints” as I call them- we could prevent allot of problems.

When I watch a movie, I’m always curious as to that “ʍօʍҽղԵ” when things changed to start the downward spiral either in the form of stealing, cheating, lieing & addiction.

My very favorite example of this is an old movie with Bridgette Fonda & Billy Bob Thornton. Good Lord, talk about normal people’s lives being thrown to the wolves! A Simple Plan

One of my fav movies.

Hindsite being 20/20 aside-; If we religiously ( I use that word loosely but completely IN context here) have a self -monitoring system that we can use to pull ourselves back from a path that will only lead to disaster, I believe we could catch allot of issues.

This system might actually be a weekly worship, a nightly prayer, a daily journal writing, or a friend who holds us accountable as simply as in the form of a conversation once in a while to help us see how far fetched our thinking is getting – lol.

There are many other ways to do this including Hal Elrods Miracle Morning program called Savers Seen HERE.

Or reviewing Miguel Ruiz 4 agreements daily Seen HERE.

Tony Robbins, of course has his billionaire advice HERE.

Mel Robbins morning routine made her famous ( & Rich) with just 5 measly seconds HERE

Recently I discovered a great list right on the government substance use disorder website thats listed in my GET HELP section on MY site

It’s called “Creating a Healthier Life, a step by step guide to wellness.

You can download it free HERE

Many companies have put their spin on it but it’s basically an expanded version of Maslow’s hierchy of needs.

When looking at this, it’s easy to see how far off the circle IN ALL AREAS addicts find themselves, so it’s no wonder how overwhelming it must be to even begin.

Luckily some wonderful recovery professional made a simple recovery model- which I love.

I hope you’re able to see this 🙂

I hope these resources can help us see how important it is to stay true to ourselves on all areas of life so we can be a healthy, emotionally strong beacon for those struggling. Not to mention to keep US out of danger of going off track for living our best lives ❣️✨❣️

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How Being a Good Hunter Made my Son a Better Addict..

My son grew up with 2 brothers, a dad, a Grandpa, and many cousins and uncles who loved nature; camping, fishing & hunting.

He spent days, weeks and months navigating the trails and roads of the mountain ranges of Idaho.

They sat around the campfire eating hot dutch oven stew and talking about their days adventures.

They forged bonds of comradery & teamwork as they surveyed the land and forged through rough trails.


This was their tribe.

The goal was clear.

Hunting and tracking the deer and elk to provide meat for their families for the winters just like their ancestors before them.


My son was taught to respect the land and use it for the beauty it graciously offered.

He was taught to survive in the cold fall months for sometimes 8 hours a day while they planned endless attempts at tracking the magnificent creatures.
These animals tried to elude them the best they could, not knowing that their short life span would eventually take them with disease or famine.

My son learned that he could do anything if he could successfully track an animal in its home environment.

He learned that a huge mountain is nothing compared to the prize on the other side.

He learned that watching his cold breath in the early morning hours was all part of the game. When his fingers became numb from the cold he figured out how to get the circulation back by jumping in place or blowing his breath into them. He learned to bring hand warmers next time.
Years later this perseverance would benefit his addiction in more ways than I realized.

Thankfully most people couldn’t handle the sheer abuse & chaos that addiction forces a body & mind to endure. But my son learned that his amazing body could handle cold, wet, uncomfortable situations, as long as the goal was in mind.

He learned to be strong, independent, not to whine, and always be focused on the goal.

Even if the goal is now an evil drug who has him captured.

He knows his body is amazingly tough so the drug tells him he’s invincible.

He knows that the goal is more important than anything right now so the drug tells him the goal is to come on over to the smooth side. To be ‘numb’ and content -then everything will be alright.

He knows it takes teamwork to reach a goal so the drug’s evil powers tells him that shady people are his ticket.

He knows that soon he won’t be cold and hungry and tired so he’s willing to wait and do whatever the evil drug tells him to do.

When people say not to coddle the addict, I have to laugh a little because my son was never coddled.
When he became homeless after losing everything he had worked for for 10+ years, he knew he would survive. Tough love didn’t work on him because he was fiercely independent anyway.

When he was fired from his last job, he had no car, no house, no clothes and was in a town he hadn’t lived in for 6 years, yet he still figured out someone to call for a ride, begged for a bed & figured out what to do. He found people he had helped before and they were more than willing to feed him and give him a ride.

I would have collapsed in tears and begged to go to rehab.

But not my son. He’s very resourceful, even though he’s hurting inside. He feels the pain of disappointmeant and judgement enough to cut deeply into his rejected soul yet the drug has enough of a hold on his brain to tell him that’s it’s not his fault.
That he still doesn’t have to quit. All those people just don’t understand.

So he trudges on ….

Through the depths of this madness…

To find some peace, any peace from this battle raging inside his mind.

That’s the goal.
Peace & comfort.
Once he finds that, he will be ok for a minute.

His drug is like the campfire. Now he’s ‘safe’ and warm, he feels ‘ loved’. He’s with people who understand and accept him ….

He’s with his ‘tribe’.

Even if they’re all going down with the ship….

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Why Can’t we Respect Differing Opinions?

It’s sad that we think we can only like or be friends with people who believe what we do.

It’s strange to think that the old debate rules we learned in High School are nonexistent anymore.  Yet history has shown us that it’s easier to divide and conquer if we want a certain policy passed or a way of life to be accepted.

Theres a video called hidden agendas (which btw won’t load-but it was originally on Amazon prime), is classified as  conspiracy theory, and is now unavailable with all the censoring. This only furthers the narrative to make us believe we should only watch ‘accepted’ media.

It’s sad that we’ve been taught that it’s ok to treat the elderly, or the cops, or someone of either party with such malice & hate in order to prove a point.

No matter who we think is right or who may have taught us these things, it’s unfortunate that we ourselves ‘are led to’ believe it to be true…..

Just like Netflix’s latest Social Dilemma shows, we CAN be swayed to believe things. Including that it’s OK to be so drastically divided and shame those who think differently.

Calling someone out on their behavior is different than shaming someone for their beliefs.

It’s sad that all sides of a story can’t be heard by all sources so that WE can decide for ourselves.

It’s sad that we can’t be trusted enough to decide for ourselves what’s true.

I’m especially saddened that one issue can tear apart families to the point of not being able to converse or strengthen family bonds.

You don’t have to believe in a God to believe in an evil force.

I truly believe that the devil is winning by using whatever device, tool, people, addiction or argument that it can muster up to cause such unrest & fear & anger in so many.

We can make a difference by doing our part & starting with what’s right in front of us.

Remember when we joined the big anti- bullying push in schools?  Yet nowadays, online, we feel justified to bully someone into compliance with what WE think. Is BEST for THEM. A complete stranger.

What are our kids learning?

People, ALL people, just want to be loved & respected…. The way they go about it is just different…

Some act out for attention. Some destroy things to feel empowered. Some deflect and cover up with substances or other addictive behaviors.

However, someone chooses to be heard and understand, I don’t think the answer is “raise voices through violence.”

It breaks my heart to see videos against innocent people such as the elderly these past few weekswith people cheering the attackers on saying “that’s go time”. Watch Here. Sad. Pray for peace. 

We ALWAYS Have a CHOICE what our next move will be

This will be the last time I share these hate filled videos, so not too give power to anyones “cause.” I sincerely hope that these viscous attacks fail to provide the wanted results. 🍀🤞🍀🤞🍀🤞

Pray for peace. Let it start with us

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Oregon’s New Law

The Drug Addiction Treatment and Recovery Act was passed in Nov 2020 and this article by Alexander E. Sharp shows how it could be the new end to the war on drugs.

It quotes President Nixon in 1971 stating “the war on drugs has begun”.

“Almost 50 years and $1 trillion dollars later, we can categorically say that the WarOnDrugs has been lost.

Drugs are more widely available than ever. Use has not declined. In short, the drug war has failed even on its own terms: it has not curtailed the market.”

Oregon’s New decriminalization of drugs is their version of the war on drugs following after portugal’s lead years ago.

“Their goal is to move people out of the criminal justice system into the health care system. But the health care system isn’t ready to receive them,” Marshall stated.
Funding for treatment would be handed out via a grants program, being overseen by a newly established Oversight and Accountability Council, with its members appointed by the director of the Oregon Health Authority.
“The Oversight and Accountability Council shall provide grants to existing agencies or organizations, whether government or community-based, to create Addiction Recovery Centers for the purposes of immediately triaging the acute needs of people who use drugs and assessing and addressing any on-going needs thorough intensive case management.

—CNDP Exec Dir Rev Al Sharp examines the impact of Measure 110 in Oregon for the Christian Century:– from Heart of a Warrior Women facebook group.

Theological Walter Wink stated 8 years ago:

“Our attempts to stamp out drugs by force violate a fundamental spiritual principle. Jesus articulated it in the Sermon on the Mount: “Don’t react violently against the one who is evil.” Adapted to fit the drug issue, it means “Do not resist drugs by violent means.” We have merely repeated the mistake of Prohibition.

This articles exolains
The exact amounts they’re talking about decriminalizing.

“Here are the limits:

Less than 1 gram of heroin
Less than 1 gram, or less than 5 pills, of MDMA
Less than 2 grams of methamphetamine
Less than 40 units of LSD
Less than 12 grams of psilocybin
Less than 40 units of methadone
Less than 40 pills of oxycodone
Less than 2 grams of cocaine
The measure reduces from a felony to a misdemeanor simple possession of substances containing:

1 to 3 grams of heroin
1 to 4 grams of MDMA
2 to 8 grams of methamphetamine
2 to 8 grams of cocaine”

Under these amounts, my son would be free to get help and services without this fear of getting arrested. As it is now, he is running scared, with a hijacked brain, not a dime to his name and scared to apply for food, housing, or a job. His brain is in a state of panic and turmoil every day. To survive, not be sick that day with his to illness and try to find money. All the while, the shame of him not fulfilling his obligations, failing at every aspect of his life, being continually buried deep under the facade of his withered pale unfed skin.

Jail is not going to help his illness and make him have self respect again. It’s going to put him in survival mode even more, defending himself against the gangs, proving he’s “one of them” and not “too white” or he will be knifed. 😭

The ASPC treats dogs better than this. Our little kids with a variety of problems that yes med them to use drugs, are being banished from society for having an illness that is 100% treatable.

As Gabor mate states in his Video about addiction and the correctional system:

“In my opinion, the correctional system does very little correcting”.[ for the addicted.]

Even though I’m biased, I tend to agree. I will admit, my bias- ness comes from a place of fear. My son has warned me of the gang mentality in prison. I didn’t believe him until I saw the net flix documentary, Big brother. The scene of the reporter standing by the back of the pick- up truck, talking to the “boy” with his cousins confirmed my sons stories.

But, it hardly matters since I have zero control over the outcome. I never have really. But that doesn’t stop this mom from having hope every day that my strong “beautiful boy” will be back soon.

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The Powerless of Cravings

“If you will understand that we are starving, then you will understand why we do the things we do in our addiction. We’re not bad people. We’re just people. Just like you. But unlike you, we’re starving. This is why we hock, sell, trade everything we have. This is why we do the things that hurt the people we love. Our loved ones will say that we love our drugs more than we do them, but that’s not true. Even if you’re starving, you still love.”

https://medium.com/@samphd87/opioid-addiction-and-the-myth-of-powerlessness-a128dc54d114

This article is one of the best I’ve seen explaining opiod addiction to the average person from the point of view of the person suffering. It also directs people to resources if they are interested in finding out more.The author is a doctor who suffered himself for 22 years.
Dr. Sam Snodgrass received a Doctorate in Biopsychology from the University of Georgia in 1987. He was then awarded a National Institute on Drug Abuse Post-Doctoral Fellowship in the Pharmacology and Toxicology Department at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences. After his Post-Doc, he was asked to remain as a faculty member in this department. In 1995 he lost his faculty position due to his opioid addiction. His use of heroin and Dilaudid began in 1976. For the first13 years, his use was occasional. In 1989 he developed an opioid addiction and did not stop for the next 22 years. He is currently a member of the Board of Directors of the 501 c3 non-profit Broken No More and its subsidiary organization, GRASP (Grief Recovery After a Substance Passing).

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Lines In The Sand

I’m only 53 but I’ve saw a few things in my life. I saw the dust gather on the little black Atari box to make way for the big donkey Kong arcade game at the local dairy Queen.

I watched the excitement of of the neighborhood kids gathered around having asteroid contests. I watched the birth of Xbox, the internet and cell phones.

I watched the cars get smaller while the pricetag got bigger.

I saw houses get bigger while families got smaller. I watched parents work more & more hours while kids did more activities.

I watched the same 24 hours on the clock yet I saw time dwindling.

I saw exhausted frustrated parents at the end of the with nothing left to give to the most important people in their life. Work harder to have nicer things only to have less time to enjoy it.

In spite of this diminished time I saw peoples energy going into things far away from them even when they were home.

The distraction seemed legit.

It seemed easier to have an opinion on other people’s lives than what might be happening behind the scenes of theirs.

It became the norm even brazen to boast about the ridiculousness of something you only heard 3 minutes of information about. It seemed obvious that you would have done things differently had you been over there …. Plus you had expert opinions to guide you.

By the end of the hour, you, the expert & the newscaster had it all cut & dried. Your solution to the dilemma was of course the “right and only way to do the thing best for all involved..jeeshhhh it’s a no brainer, can’t you see that?”

Onto the next thing…

Your world in 60 seconds became a well known household slogan.

After all this WAS your world .. out there.. right?🌍🌏🌎

You HAD to care.. less SOMEone might do SOMEthing that might affect YOU if you didn’t insert your expert opinion..

Everyone knows that….

Don’t they?

Rapid technology has brought us millions of daily information to sort through. It became harder to stay neutral and let it pass. The Social kings have now admitted how they hooked us…

Hook line & sinker 🎣with bursts of dopamine day after day. 🧨We couldn’t wait until the next hit of ego- filled satisfaction. Family time, instead, became hours of internet searching, arguing, reading, playing silly games and surveys But WITH STRANGERS.

Many a study has been done on these effects… But here we are now- 2020- with a major major dilemma.

Before – we could have walked away & not had it affect us …. But NOW we can’t.

We are in too deep.

WE MUST CHOOSE A SIDE…

We must prove we are right & justified in our opinion. We look for evidence to back our claims. And we find it!!!

Social media has shown us how they served it up on a platter to us.

And now they’re taking it away. Suddenly it’s not ok to be us….. Suddenly we MuST think like our friends or our family or our co- worker’s or we are the stupid idiot who has a profile picture that CLEARLY shows what an inbecile we are.

Suddenly we are served limited information according to some obscure fact checker in some random basement ..

Yes I’ve lived half a century but I’ve never seen the intolerance and sheer derogatory venom that comes out of people’s keyboards.

And no.

It’s NOT ANYONE’S fault.

Yes the media can reward us with more of what we want, and we can feel like we’re part of some elite club, but at the end of the day, it’s US, OURSELVES & I that are responsible for Our words & actions.

AT the end of the day what matters?

CNN isn’t gonna be on your death bed, zuckerberg won’t send flowers. 💐

Jim Blow in Yimbucktwo isn’t going to suddenly apologies and say “hey man, you were right- sorry about giving you crap online”

Nope, at the end of the day, at the end of our life, WE are the ones who have to answer to & feel good about the energy and vibes we spread…

WE ARE responsible for the seeds of strength we plant or the fire & venom we spew.

What is your legacy gonna be?

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Honoring Women

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10101124521134459&id=202804929&sfnsn=mo

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4 years ago

Four years ago on Election day. ☑️🗳️☑️  YOU were the one who taught me to care about truth and standing up 4🇺🇲 AMERICA🇺🇲 YOU are the one who explained to me until 2am how evil works..🦹How it entices by promises shiney💎 things with slick talk and comforting words. With fake promises and easy political tag lines🧹🧙🕷️YOU were the perfect example, the passionate 🏇Messenger of all things life.

You, my first born son, were / are one of the most influential people to ANYone who’s ever met you.. With your knowledge, your humor….So it makes sense that you were attacked hard….🤺 You have been completely knocked down over and over.⚔️🤺by an evil demon who made you his slave. I have feared this demon for years. Feared his power and his bravado that he stole my son from his life, his family, his business.

But today there’s a new fear in my life. The fear of change. Today the world may never be the same. Life as we know it may slowly erode into a new, more compliant, less choice, more homegenized, less character.🇩🇪🛡️🇩🇪A new experience for sure. One that might test our very foundations of history and will affect our children for years to come…..For the first time since learning of your addiction, I am scared of something else…. I miss you son……🗣️🦜🗣️🦜🗣️🦜🗣️

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How to Deal with Internet Criticism

As I’m trying my hand at writing with this blog site AND starting my first book, I really needed to strengthen my armor and battle my extra sensitive innerds to withstand future haters. So I was thrilled to read a fellow bloggers advice.

I came across THIS article on internet criticism.

In it they state to “Accept that someone else’s opinion is NOT your problem.”

Duh. I mean in theory it’s true. Why DO we care what Jim Bob from timbuck2 says?

Why does it seem like a direct hit to our gut. Is this all stemming from the era of ‘value everyone’s opinion–because everyone has a voice’ lessons in debate class?

The trouble with modern internet “debates” is they’re NOT debates. They’re arguments. So that in itself should show us that when someone criticizes US or our work, we should take it with a grain of salt- as my Mama used to say.

Speaking of my Mama; They also quote in the article, one of my favorite childhood comedians:

“Carol Burnett once said:
Words, once they are printed, have a life of their own.”

Yup and you can never take them back thanks to screenshots and clouds.

Of course we’ve all saw the damage for ourselves. Arguments that quickly turn to name calling and making fun of someone’s profile picture as “verification” of “no wonder you’re an idiot”. Really? Are we in kindergarten?

All this negative energy and bad vibes doesn’t just harm our health, has a ripple effect too. When we get angry online do we immediately “let it go” & decompress or do we stew about it, take it out on our families, then get back on the thread and defend ourselves some more?

What wasted energy. I’ve always said that the person is judging you for your ONE SENTENCE out of 550 million sentences in your life. So then why so we give credence to their opinion??

It’s ludicrous on our part.

Yet we still get drawn in to the “debates”.

In years past, there were relatively few things debatable. I mean you could argue your theory on anything but EVERYTHING WASN’T POLITICIZED either.

As I stated in this THIS article a few weeks ago, every family, friend, and coworker seems to need to Draw a line in the sand and risk the unraveling of relationships with family and coworkers.

Wtf really matters?

Opinions don’t equal facts. No matter how you spin it because today’s facts can be twisted- says I. In another opinion article. ( Cause MY opinion MATTERS 🙂)

Anyway, you get the drift.

If we wasn’t somehow dependant on “followers” or job reviews to maintain our lifestyle, I suspect we could ƇƛƦЄ ԼЄƧƧ.

But meanwhile… We need a balance of “caring about people just not what they think”

Which leads me to another great article about what people think -written by someone with a great Opinion…🤷‍♂️

Please check out This advise too.

VERY timely needed. (Just my opinion- lol)

https://wp.me/p1KAF8-77h