A Day in The Life of a Mom of Person with a Substance Use Disorder

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Breathe- Just Breathe

“Breathe, just breathe”. That’s what I constantly hear myself saying these days. In this political climate of the world today, it’s SO easy to find yourself in a sudden moment of anger, shock, and surprise at any and every new development. It’s hard not to react and retort with a knee- jerk response. It’s hard to remember that you are no doubt going to waste your energy AND Not likely to change ANY minds. Those of us in the business of momma hood find ourself in this predictament quite often. “Pick your battles” Is our war cry. Those of usContinue reading “Breathe- Just Breathe”

Trails of Smiles-ɢuɪᴅɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ᴊᴏuʀɴᴇʏ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Iɴɴᴏᴄᴇɴᴛs

As I watched the little boy in his navy blue fleece jacket; with his warm knit hoodie covering his wavy brown hair, happily bouncing along the sandy path, I couldn’t help but smile with grateful relief. Every three steps, without fail, he would stop, bend down and draw a circle in the sand. “Look Nana! a circle!” This was my grandson, 3 years old, diagnosed with mild autism a little over a year ago. I had limited contact with him, partly due to distance, but mostly because ofContinue reading “Trails of Smiles-ɢuɪᴅɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇ ᴊᴏuʀɴᴇʏ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Iɴɴᴏᴄᴇɴᴛs”

The Night after Christmas

нow was your Cнrιѕтмαѕ? The words echoed into my ears even before they left my co-workers mouth. I instinctively have enough experience with avoidance and deflection to get a jump on her question. By appearing busy and having enough ‘questions’ and data of my own; I was able to layer my question on top of hers seemingly without a noticeable pause. I understand that I could just answer like everyone else does, with the obligatory, “Fine, thanks how was yours?” However,  being the Infp personality type that IContinue reading “The Night after Christmas”

A Simple Driveway

ᎳhᎽ ᏆhᎥs ᏢᎥᏟᏆuᏒᎬ mᎪᎠᎬ ᏆhᎥs mᎪmᎪ ᏟᏒᎽ It looks like just a house. Some cement. A fence A few trees But it’s more than that to me. To me, this house represents success. It’s represents hope. It represents forward motion. It gives hope to a sense of normalcy again. It screams “Please validate me even while I’m in this darkness!” Specifically, I’m talking about the driveway made of brand new cement. This represents the seemingly long lost talent and grit of my entrepreneur son who did a downhillContinue reading “A Simple Driveway”

Empty Chairs

This time of year is bound to drudge up painful feelings for those who have lost a child or have a prodigal son or daughter who is lost in addiction or otherwise estranged. The happy music, with families dancing around the warmly decorated fireplace, is almost too much for moms like me who are worried sick about their child or children. We go through the motions of forced shopping, baking, decorating, even if it’s the bare minimum. We think no one will notice, as long we do ourContinue reading “Empty Chairs”

Constraining Beliefs

ł₣ Ø₦ⱠɎ After a week or 2 of disappointing events, and a sucky work week, I was destined to a restless and worrisome night – replaying a conversation with a coworker over and over.  This morning when I jumped in my car for an eye appointment, This Talk by Wendy Watson was playing on the radio. I heard the words “Constraining Beliefs”. In my despairing state of mind, I resorted back to my default thinking that has probably held me back my entire life.If I had an argumentContinue reading “Constraining Beliefs”

Anticipatory Grief

ƛ͙ Ɗ͙ƛ͙Ƴ͙ Ɩ͙Ɲ͙ Ƭ͙Ӈ͙Є͙ Լ͙Ɩ͙Ƒ͙Є͙ A person with a substance use disorder. Is the correct title. But today. It doesn’t matter. My son is lost in the chaotic world of addiction. He’s in pure survival mode. And so am I. The middle of the night awakenings are wearing on me…. Checking my phone for “the call”. Apparently its called “anticipatory grief” I don’t care what its called. I hate it. I sink back into bed glad for one more day of hope. Hope that a miracle will happen.Continue reading “Anticipatory Grief”

Rice on White

ƛ͙ Ɗ͙ƛ͙Ƴ͙ Ɩ͙Ɲ͙ Ƭ͙Ӈ͙Є͙ LƖ͙Ƒ͙Є͙ As much as I dislike the title, it is what it is. Time to make do and find the hidden rainbow right? There didn’t seem to be ANY rainbows to be found as I stared down at the floor full of rice. I was at work and had just ran to the cafeteria to grab lunch. I had the privilege of being able to eat alone in my office at this job. However, in my haste to get through lunch while doing someContinue reading “Rice on White”

Hi Santa

Hi Santa Hi Santa, Nice to see you again. Have you been quarantined? Oh you are always quarantined? For 11 months? Well I’m glad you decided to show up this crazy year. Have I been a good girl? Well, that’s debatable. What do I want for Christmas you say? I thought you’d never ask. I want to wake up with anticipation in my loins. I want to be excited about something again. I don’t want to dread turning on the news. Or getting on social media. All thoseContinue reading “Hi Santa”

A Deep Dive

Before I discovered Addiction so intimately within my own family,  I would have written off this Video as just another religious kook. But when you are dropped to your knees with such utter powerless & deep despair, you find yourself seeking out a God, any God- real fast.  The sheer pain & fear along with the loss of someone you love dearly Even though that person is still alive, is humbling to say  the least. After basically going through the 5 stages of grief with the loss ofContinue reading “A Deep Dive”

Leaning In

Check out my latest post from a blast from my past. LEANING IN! https://mandyhawks27.blogspot.com/ Here’s an excerpt: We’ve often heard the term LEANING IN as way to listen to hear and not to respond. In Andy Goldsworthy’s film “Leaning In”, he sees it as one of two ways- You can either walk on the path or go through the hedge.Trailer to leaning in I’ve always seemed to pick going through the hedge and the “most difficult” path, but it certainly has been the most adventurous. On a familyContinue reading “Leaning In”

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